Keeping Secrets Of A Little Black Book

As if on cue, the raindrop universe began exploding on impact. One planet at a time, and then, almost simultaneously, the phone drops from my hand as I begin convulsing on the floor. I wake up from the strangest dreams of post apocalyptic living in the droplet universe and realize I'm in a hospital bed. All of a sudden alarms of some sort go off after being recoiled back down and I notice the handcuffs that were chaining me to the bed. The tall and striking figure of Detective Reid strolled through the door of the room. Through dry lips and glazed, tired eyes, he demands, "When will enough be enough for you young lady?! When you're paralyzed in a coma or buried in the ground? Well I'm afraid it's time for some tough love now. I can't save you from your self-sabotage but you sure can. You have two choices,

A: Go to jail

B: Community service taking care of your mother in her last months, or days!" I glared at him angrily. "So you just have to play hard ball, huh? I have evidence of paraphernalia, possession of illegal substances, public intoxication, trespassing on state property, as well as breaking and entering. I bet your mother could help you out of this vicious addiction you have going for yourself."

Maybe he was on to something. My eyes burned with tears as I thought of the hollow form of disappointment I've become.

A ton of bricks fell in the pit of my stomach. That was not my mother. I mean I remember seeing her with bedhead a few times or sick. But nothing like this. Her olive chocolate complexion, a pale blue hue, worse than mine, almost translucently purple. The darkness around her eyes and loss of hair made her look like an actor from one of those fright night specials with the crazy looking wigs, and detailed make-up.

The light I saw shine in her eyes as she was finally able to muster the energy to turn her head was unmistakable. Knowing how difficult it was she actually stood up, I'm sure out of instinct at first, sheer stubbornness and willpower is what transpired after. Ann gently nudged my elbow breaking the frozen stupor that became me. She was our personal care giver, although she had always been so much more. I rushed to my mother's side and helped her back down where she had been sitting. "Please don't push yourself on my behalf."

"Well honestly, I didn't think you were going to come. I'm so glad to get to see you one last time," She managed to get out. Tears filled her amber brown eyes, that looked right through me, straight to my core. She signaled for me to sit beside her. I was still in shock, yet, somehow managed to force my feet to slowly move one in front of the other. As I took a reluctant seat, it was almost as if I felt myself leave my body and partake from a third-person point of perspective. I watched as my mother took in every detail of me from my matted, nappy locks, to my skeletal face and frame. Next thing you know she pulled and embraced me to her bosom, as if I were a small child again.

"My Poor baby. Mama's so sorry. I see what you've been going through. If only I was able to be a better mother for you. If only I could have faced and beaten my demons a little earlier on in life… I'm sure it would've helped save you from this mess. I wanted to cry too, but that drug had part of my brain. My blood started pumping fast, making my veins feel hot and itchy. All of a sudden it got really hot, and I started sweating profusely, the back of my mouth started salivating. I couldn't help but to lash out instead. as I begaan shaking uncontrollably, once again.

"Ann! Please hurry, and help quickly!

A few hours later and I'm waking up in the master hot tub full of ice. My mother sitting, waiting… Even more exasperated than before. Eyes puffy and red. "Ann, please, some water, if you would." She called out as she began filling the hot tub with hot water and suds.

"Mom." We were both taken back by that, I honestly don't know if I've ever called her mom before." I heard you. Although I was losing consciousness, I heard you…!" I paused, " I'm sorry I've been a rotten kid. I'm sorry I've thrown my life away. I'm sorry I ran away all those years ago and missed so much time being with you. But most of all, I'm sorry I never gave you a real chance at being in my life and getting to know you. If we could, I would like to ask for another chance at being in your life and forgiveness for all the hurt and suffering I've caused you."

I finally managed to get fully dressed and downstairs. "Mom, what is Reid talking about when he says you may be able to help me save myself from my addiction?"

Quite bluntly, my mother explained her past. How she was beaten and raped by a gang of boys she went to school with. She ended up pregnant and nothing she tried would help her miscarry. So just a she was getting information on abortion, which was not only a crime but nearly impossible, she felt me move inside her womb. She finally made it back home, and realized she had to tell her parents and broke down. My Grans wept for her, and then Pa'Pah got angry. He got those boys and they were arrested and imprisoned after being shot at by him. It still did not erase the pain and suffering he felt for his daughter. And so he cried some more. Mi'Mah cried with her daughter and tried to help her through her trauma, but realistically, how could she help when her baby had been robbed of her innocence, and if the Lord wasn't cruel enough, being forced to have a baby that will forever remind her of her attack. A few more months and I'm born. My mother ran away as fast and far as she could, trying to outrun the nightmares that have haunted her since that day. If it didn't numb her to reality, then she wasn't interested. She eventually sought counseling after almost losing her life about the 15th time around. Unfortunately and coincidentally, it was right around the same time my Grans were dying that she was ready to face coming back home. When she did, Pa'Pah died first and was happy while holding Mi'Mah's hand. A few days later Mi'Mah gave me a stern look, weakly stating it was her time and not to worry we would be together again someday, just as she was going to be with Pa' again real soon. She made me promise to listen to my mother, and not to hold on to past hurts as it festers, and creates a void in one's heart.

"Now you know everything. I never wanted you to know, I didn't want your feelings to be hurt. Nothing worse than feeling like you were a mistake, or weren't supposed to happen. I know I made a mistake by keeping it a secret. I can't possibly begin to imagine how you must've felt all this time. I knew how hard things were about to become for you after losing your grans, and I just wanted to try and be there for you. I can promise you this though, I have been trapped in that same exact self-destructive lifestyle you find yourself in now. Homeless, starving, used and abused. Humans that endure and overcome suffering are usually God's warriors. Who better to survive any kind of attack, especially mentally and emotionally?"

Mama's in the den watching Lifetime television over her cat-eye rimmed glasses, feet up on the ottoman next to a little leather-bound, gold lettered, black book titled A Mysterious Secret. "Mi'Mah used to love watching this channel, I said quietly. I sat next to her just like earlier.

This time it was I that embraced her. It's been a long time since I've hugged a person, besides the hug I gave to Reid earlier that morning. " No, Mama. It's me that owes you an apology. I had no idea you went through something so painful. I'm sorry I was birthed out of that trauma, but I also believe everything happens for a reason, like, right here, right now. There's no place I'd rather be, or anything I'd rather be doing than getting to know and being with you."

After that I started working on the Vineyard again. I learned all the jobs inside and out. Most of it was a refresher, while some was learning new procedures and keeping up with the times. I started going back to school, and kept Mama occupied as best I could. Parties, bingo, casinos, traveling, puzzles, scrabble, cards, you name it.

About 6 months past, and I'm different! I've put on at least 50 pounds. I have a bank account, I'm clean and sober, and I just started training for a new promotion in management. I no longer held any anger, or resentment.

'Chime!' 'Chime!' 'Chime!' That's peculiar. Mama hadn't rung her bell yet. And I had been so busy preparing for the day's routine I had lost track of time. Hurriedly, I made my way up the stairs to Mama's room, and there she was still in bed. " Mama, it's late. An hour past tea time." I shook her gently. She stirred and open her eyes slowly. A congested cough forced her sit up slightly.

"Oooh, sugar. I don’t think I'm getting up today…"

"Shhh, it's ok Mama… don't you worry, you get as much rest as you need. I'll still be here waiting to play some dominoes, or bingo when you wake up."

"Noooo, baby girl. I don't think I'm waking up from this nap. Now don't you worry, you know I'm going to be with your Grans. They want me to tell you how proud we all are of the young woman you're becoming, and I know there is much more growth, and potential for you. No tears at my funeral, or I'll haunt you, ya hear? I want one giant party okay? Stay happy, and whenever in doubt don't forget my secret black book."

"Yes Mom." I said quietly. Ann found me, gently awoke me, and we both cried together. She helped me make all the necessary arrangements and had one of the biggest parties the Vineyard has ever seen. Everyone had a good time considering it was still the most somber party I've ever seen. I couldn't help but feeling Mama would sit up in the coffin, like "just kidding!". I was the only life of the party, I wouldn’t dare let sad talk, or one tear be shed on this day. Low and behold my mother left everything to me. She even had a safety net contracted just in case I wasn't fit to own or care for Sierion Vineyard Hall, or any other monetary assets. I was already living the dream, and now a multi-billionaire, practically overnight.

"Here. Don't open it until I pass ok? I can guarantee all the answers to your problems are right in here. Just promise me you'll stay with me until the end."

I make my way to the study and unlock the drawer where I hid the book from myself. Carefully I untied it and it revealed gold rimmed pages, blank. Every one of them but the first and only sentence. I begin to laugh and laugh.The Secret Was Within You The Whole Time. And then cried one last time and went back to working on the Vineyard again.