Judging Eyes

The world was spinning...things did not make sense anymore. My head was a complete blur, my emotions a train wreck, I couldn't sort out what was up and what was down. I remember very little about being on these ADHD medications other than I did not feel like myself and I always felt trapped inside my own body, my own mind. Performing daily tasks that were expected of me like schoolwork and my household chores were excruciating because I could barely stay awake. All my brain wanted to do was shut down... I was overwhelmed and my brain was overloaded. My mother would later say that it was like looking at a zombie and at one point when she looked at me I just busted out crying for no particular reason at all. That's when she said she knew we needed to go to another doctor for yet another diagnoses. I suppose that was a good thing in the end because at least it meant I got off those dreadful ADHD medications they kept trying me on and each one making me more depressed than the one before it. So, we went to another doctor and I couldn't tell you his name only that he stared at me as he sat across from me while he spoke to my mother who sat to the left of me and they discussed me as if I were some science experiment to be examined and not a little girl sitting in the room with them. Oh sure, occasionally Dr. Whateverhisnamewas would ask me a question but the majority of his questions were directed towards my mother as if she knew more about me than me. However, I will say this by this point I was none too fond of speaking to doctors so perhaps this was for the best as well. However, I'll never forget his final diagnoses and how he came to this conclusion or at least one way he did. He glanced down his nose at me and peered through his glasses and since I felt as if I were a science experiment I, of course looked away and then he told my mother, "Look, see how she won't look at me directly in the eyes and she avoids eye contact? She most assuredly has Asperger syndrome." My head snapped up and I challenged that by looking at him directly however he did not seem to notice. I was put on a new medication that day for being mildly autistic. I felt intense shame, I thought something was wrong with me for having this what I viewed as a disease. For years, I would hide it and not tell a soul except those I got so close to in highschool that I viewed as family. I thought my ADHD and Asperger's syndrome were defects and it was not really explained to me that they are strengths instead. It was more of a here is our answer to what is wrong with you. This is why you struggle in school and why your pretty well too dumb to figure things out on your own so I put on a cloak of shame and pretended to be what my mother wanted me to be. I took her drugs she wanted me to take, I did the very best I could in school even though it still wasn't enough, I cleaned the whole house every week top to bottom because that is what was expected of me but she still came in every Thursday and informed me that I did not do things properly. I was told every Thursday that she would now have to redo the whole house because I couldn't just do things the right way the first time! Never an encouraging word did I get, never did she show me where I did things right but this is what I could do improve here... I could never please her. The times were different though right? It was the 90's. Critically judging your kids was just good parenting as it was what their parents did and their parents before them right? Well, why not guide and direct and give encouraging feedback where its deserved? When I was eleven my first sister came into this world and that began a whole new journey that I was not prepared for...