Joy

"Fresh air is as good as caffeine, right?" Gwen whispered. The question hung in the quiet room as she waited. And then remembered. "That's right. You aren't here." With her hand gently holding her waist, she got up from her bed, opened her bedroom window, and inhaled the gentle May morning. "The answer is nope. Nothing is as good as caffeine."

She shut the window and stood there for a second. And then a minute and then a series of minutes. The cool of the windowpane soothed her face as she leaned against it. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the stinging pulse beneath her stomach. Yesterday was hard. The day before that was harder. But today will be better because today is a day for bed.

Gwen took slow deliberate steps back to her bed while rubbing her face. "I really need to--Oh!" The contents of the nightstand trembled and shifted as Gwen bumped into it and then stumbled face first onto the bed.

"Ow!" Tears brewed in her eyes as pain roared all over her sides. Her fingertips flew to her stitched wound, feeling for any breakage and was relieved to find none. Breathing slowly, she grabbed two pillows from the other side of the bed. "He left so he doesn't need these anyway," she said while wincing from the exertion. She piled the cushions behind her back and leaned back carefully on her plush throne.

"Let me straighten up my mess," Gwen muttered, glancing at her askew nightstand. She leaned over and adjusted the glass figurine of a cherub that was flipped upside down. A black pen was tucked safely back into the cover of a small black notebook. Sitting in a semicircle next to her lamp was a blue and white hospital wristband with the word Joy in black print. Gwen picked it up and hesitated. "I'll wait." Lastly, she reunited her phone to its charger. 6:19 AM and a picture of a sonogram glowed on the lock screen. She swiped away the notification of 7 text messages and 4 missed calls.

Gwen fluffed her pillows again and laid her head back. Her head, heavy and dark with thought, sank into the pillows. I was not ready for this. God, what am I going to do? Tears fell easily from behind her closed eyes and melted into her pillowcase. Soon, exhaustion took over and Gwen dozed off.

She woke up an hour later. Sunlight had begun filtering through the window. It slid through the blinds, striping Gwen's bed and face with warmth. The crystal angel captured a few sunbeams, causing a ribbon of rainbow to dance across her nightstand. Gwen gazed at the cherub, smiled and looked up, saying, "Thanks." She unclipped the black pen from the notebook's cover and began to write on the first page.

I want to start this by stating one immutable fact: I love you. Fully. Completely. Always.

I wasn't prepared for this week to start in such a rocky way. Everything was so unexpected and I'm still trying to recover. But I wish you could understand how much you make it bearable. You are the sweetest part of this bitterness.

Gwen stopped writing when she heard the front door open and heavy footsteps rapidly approach her bedroom.

"Caleb?"

Caleb, her husband, rushed into the room, his eyes wide with excitement. He handed Gwen a paper bag and gently placed a gray baby carrier on the bed. "Babe, you didn't answer the phone!"

"Because you do this every time you go to that store," replied Gwen. "'Babe, what's the name of those chips we like?' You always end up remembering and I've texted it to you a billion times."

Gwen retrieved an orange pill container from the paper bag and quickly opened it. "Dr. Young said 2 tablets every 6 hours, right?"

Caleb nodded impatiently as he picked up their sleeping infant from the carrier. "Yes, yes. But look, there's something else in the bag."

Gwen put her hand back in the paper bag and pulled out a metallic lottery ticket. "WINNER" was printed in black letters above the amount $20,000.

She whipped her head to look at Caleb, who was grinning from ear to ear.

"It's real," he whispered. "And it's ours!" He looked adoringly at the baby. "Just like you."

"Oh my goodness!" A wave of exhilaration crashed over Gwen. She chuckled in disbelief and lightly kissed Caleb on the lips. "A great start to life, wouldn't you say?"

Caleb replied, "I do say that indeed!"

While Caleb continued to cradle their newborn, Gwen returned to her notebook and resumed writing. As she wrote, an uncontrollable grin stretched across her face.

Today, God reminded me that in dark places, His light literally always finds a way to peek through.

My sweet baby girl, I can tell you that life is layered, constant with change, and rich in choices. As the years go on, I want to write down points of light that have helped me navigate and find my way. Hopefully, these points will help you too.

1. Great pain is chased by greater joy.

2. Sometimes, it's OK to have a day for bed.

3. Fresh air is not as good as caffeine. But sunshine comes close.

Gwen hummed a light melody as she tucked the lottery ticket and hospital wristband between the pages of the notebook. Just before closing the book, she wrote a three word inscription on the inside cover.

"For my Joy"