Journal

Tuesday August 6

Dear journal

The counselors recommended that I write in you everyday. I know very little about computers and I doubt writing in it will help but here we go.

My daughter Jru and I were accepted into the new program, Sunrises. An experimental program designed to help at-risk families rise to a level of self support. That’s what the pamphlet says. A deserted army base has been refurbished to house a total of sixty percent homeless Americans and forty percent Immigrants. The barracks are nice and homey. We were told that we would have the opportunity to decorate them however we’d like.

The families with both parents are housed in one section, single moms and their children in another, single dads with their children are in another barracks. There is a section that has children with no parents, they havevthree house parents for the girl’s barracks and three for the boy’s barracks. Those kids will live here until they are eighteen.

The Sunrises program is something called an indentured servant system. Apparently it was used in olden times but was misused by some people in charge. I was told that there were many more checks and balances in place now so people won’t be taken advantage of. In a year or two we homeless families will have all the education, skills and equity to start fresh. Immigrant families have other priorities like citizenship and learning enough English to communicate in an emergency. Ultimately then acquiring the same skills as us for a fresh start. Everyone works except the younger kids and the program takes money from our pay. The money is put into savings accounts, insurance, stuff like that. Besides those things the Immigrant families will have money put into citizenship naturalization accounts for them and their children.

Who am I? Why did they pick me? I am a single mom, mom no, they took my little girl away from me when she was born. I had no relatives so she ended up in foster care just like I did. I’ve only been free of heroin for eight months after six years of that junk. The only thing I gave her was the name Jru. I named her after a friend I met on the street, Julie. She hated that name so she went by Jru. She was the reason I went to rehab. You don’t get many good friends out there and it really hurts when they die. I stole to get my money, she turned to prostitution. She was killed one night, no witnesses, cops don’t care nobody did but me and a few other street kids. I knew then if I didn’t get help maybe one time I couldn’t steal money I might turn to selling myself. If I hadn’t been in rehab I wouldn’t have been picked for Sunrises.

I always felt so alone growing up, no one to call my own. I stopped watching television when I was around ten; there were too many perfect families. I ran away a lot but only because of abuse, sexual abuse. The first time it happened I was around seven, another foster kid attacked me. I told and nothing was done so I ran. In another home it was a parent. Telling on them got me shipped to another home. Sometimes there was a kind “parent” or a teacher or a counselor who tried to reach out to me but my whole life seemed temporary. I sealed off my emotions until I was a rock. When I was in ninth grade I decided to make the streets my permanent home. I was hooked on heroin within months, Jru was born the next year. I didn’t know I was pregnant until she was being born. A police officer delivered her, I begged him to let us both die. Jru was born addicted to heroin, it was so unfair. They sent me to rehab. Right afterwards I went right back on the horse and did my best to forget. The heroin should’ve killed me, but I am here now and I will fight to make things better for my daughter and me. We are all we have in this world.

It’s been six days since we’ve been reunited Jru’s beautiful deep blue eyes rarely look up, they seem glued to the floor. I'm sure she's scared I’ll leave again. She looks so much like me when I was her age. Her shoulder length blonde hair parted down the middle. Caramel colored skin. She even wriggles her nose like I used to do. I was told that she has been in four foster homes; she didn’t report any problems, doesn’t mean there weren’t any. She has excelled in school, two grades above her age group. The counselors want her to maintain that; I do too.

She has her head crammed into her workbook,

“ You really like school?” I ask.

“Yes.” She speaks so quietly it’s a whisper. I can never, never make up for the time I missed with her. It’s all about the future now.

The career training was structured to find a career we would enjoy but we were also told if we didn't like the career we could change. We also have to work which brings me to my problem. I was given the job of teaching basic English to eight of the Immigrant mothers. If it wasn’t for spell check no one could understand this journal, but the counselors thought I could do it. I always have the option to change jobs and I think that may be best. My first session went terribly. Nobody learned anything and I think none of them like me. I have to give it a month, that’s the rules so I’ll trudge on. I have to be disciplined and not let my failure affect my schoolwork. I like learning plumbing and electricity but like I said I only had nine years of school and it’s been awhile since my brain had to work like this. For what it’s worth, signing off.

Wednesday August 7

So journal I thought it was a waste of time to write in you but I was wrong. Jru read you. I didn’t think she should read some of it but she did. We talked about it she told me that no one had ever assaulted her. That was a huge relief. She also said that she had been scared that I didn’t really want her. We smiled a little, cried, hugged and then I looked at her in the eyes and assured her that whatever the obstacles we would face them together. Her eyes filled with tears a moment before mine and my heart swelled. This is so much better than getting high.

This evening as we were both doing homework out of the blue Jru said with a little stronger voice,

“You could bake a chocolate cake and at least everybody might like you then.”

A smile spread across my face then a chuckle.

“That is brilliant.” then I remembered that I have never baked a cake but between the two of us I knew we’d figure it out.

We only had three stove tops and a refrigerator in our kitchen space but with permission we were allowed to use the main kitchen that had four ovens. I got permission and one of the counselors to guide us. Evelyn was so nice and made sure it was mostly Jru and I time. Jru had her fill of licking the bowl because chocolate is her favorite flavor. Evelyn made sure I had a huge pot of coffee, sugar and cream for the ladies. I felt better about the class but not totally confident.

“Mom?” Jru said as she tugged on my hand “They could teach you some of their words.”

Another great idea and the class went great. We laughed and learned together. I admire these ladies. They left behind everything they knew to find opportunities for their children. What would I have done if Sunrises hadn’t come along? There’s no looking back! Til tomorrow.