Journal Entry 2/16/21

Dear Journal,

Here I am sitting here at about 10:30pm thinking about how much things have changed over the past year. It's crazy to think that this time last year I was getting ready to give birth to my amazing son and how his dad and I had rekindled our love and decided to be a family. It has defiantly be a rough year and things have defiantly changed and it has been hard to deal with some days.

It's defiantly hard going from being a family with the man you truly love and your amazing child that you both have prayed for to being a single mom raising your child who gets to see their father once a week or whenever its convenient for him. Its hard to look at your child knowing that you did what you felt was right knowing that you didn't want your son to see you getting abused by his father and thinking that's how a man should treat a woman. I never thought that it would end up like this, but what are you supposed to do when you feel like your life and your child's lives are in danger?

And then on top of everything there is a global pandemic going on and I'm trying my best to raise my son and keep my sanity. It has been a very challenging year from this point last year to now. It's been very painful but at the same time its been a very rewarding time that I'm blessed to still be around to say I've made it through. Its only been a few months since my son and I moved out of his dads house and even since that it's been very rough. Not only am i alone with our child but I'm alone in this crazy world.

The family that I have dreamed about having since I was a kid is now broken apart, but there isn't a way to go back in time and change how things happened and ended. I know everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan. I can only pray that I'm lead down the right path and just keep doing my part everyday. It hasn't been easy and I know it defiantly won't be easy at times, but it will be well worth it in the end.

These last few months have been a major adjustment. I have been getting to know myself again and figure out what I like and don't like. I'm glad I have my son because I have a best friend that will always be there for me and not judge me for my past or mistakes. I know I have to be mom and not always a friend to him. But for now while he's still little he can be my best friend.

I'm beginning to love myself again and it feels great. I forgot what self love felt like but its nice to feel it again. But all of that is for another entry. I have vented enough and it's time to relax.

Thanks for listening to me vent and I hope you all had a blessed and wonderful day.