It has been a year since you died my husband...

Babe, 02/18/2022, a day after 1 year you left me. Yes, I sound selfish because I am not the only one you left here on earth. I miss you honey. I know that I know that I know you are in heaven.

I still remember the night before you went to heaven. Your left leg was in extreme pain. We have been to the ER. Sent you home. Made a doctor's appointment with your pain doctor Thursday but you went home Wednesday. We were praying. You were praying. I was praying. I was crying because I am seeing you in so much pain. all I can do is to massage your leg. I told you GOD said do not pray for easy.

As I was massaging your left leg to comfort you and perhaps the pain will stop. I prayed to God in my head. GOD, please heal David but if it's not your will then please give him comfort. And you said "it's okay now honey, the pain has calmed down". I thanked GOD, in my head. Then you prayed.

David: GOD, we praise and worship you. Thank you for the blessings you have given us. Forgive us our sins know and unknown. God, I am in pain. I am asking for healing. But if it is NOT YOUR WILL then YOUR WILL be done.

As the song, Thy will be done is playing..

Me: **I already know he meant dying** Lord, No, please. Don't take my husband. Don't listen to his prayer. Listen to my prayer. I have been with you longer than him *(as if HE does not know) Crying. Lord, please..

David: Honey, it's okay. I am going home.

As I will Praise YOU in the Storm is playing in the background.

Me: What about me babe? You said we will go together. Still crying.

Then we laid in bed. You scooping me. Me, tucked in that scoop so tightly. Crying. Cried myself to sleep.

Wednesday morning February 17, 2021

Alarm came on. Got up. Turned it off. David woke up to. I said "honey, I am not going to work today. I am going to take care of you". And I went to the bathroom. When I came in you were taking your pain pills. You said " I am going to bed". And that is the last word I heard from you. I did manage to steal a kiss from you. We both went back to bed.

Ding dong.. Doorbell. I woke up. I looked and you were still sleeping. (I know because that was not the position I found you dead) Went downstairs. Pastor Sam from Big Lake Church of God. Church we go to. He brought you breakfast. Eggs, hash browns and bacon. We sat downstairs and talked about how you are feeling honey. Then he asked where is David? I said *(pointing up because that's our bedroom), sleeping. And we prayed.

I went upstairs and I see you still sleeping. I went to the office (middle room) and watched Filipino movie. I think it was a Sharon Cuneta movie or Robin Padilla. And I ate the food that the Pastor brought for you because I know you will not like the eggs cold. And if I heat it up in the microwave it will be rubbery. I will just cook you breakfast.

After the movie, I came in our bedroom. Hopped on the waterbed and said with excitement. "Hey babe! Pastor bought breakfast for you but I ate it because you don't like cold food. I am cooking breakfast. What do you want?

No answer.

I shook him.

No answer.

I still think he is joking still so I held his nose. Sooner or later you will breath by mouth. It's taking longer. You are NOT breathing. Then it hit me.

You are dead. I got angry at you and slapped you because you beat me there. I was supposed to go first OR us together.

Then I started crying. I hugged and kissed you. I laid down right beside you for a bit first before I call people. Our last moment together.

I was probably in shock there for a while. Called Pastor Mike from Big Lake. I told him "I think David is dead". He told me to call 911.

911 what's your emergency?

Me: (crying) my husband is dead.

911 operator: Ma'am, have you checked his pulse?

Me: Yes I did.

911 operator: Do you know CPR?

Me: Yes, I do.

911 operator: Now, perform CPR on your husband.

I did like what she said. I gave David CPR hoping I can resuscitate him. But after a while, I came to realize that it is moot.

Me: Crying. It is no use. He is already dead.

911 operator: Ma'am, continue to do CPR until they get there.

In my head I know that the 911 operator is just distracting me until people get there just in case I decide to join my husband maybe?

Me: No. It's no use. He is already dead. I hang-up on her and called my daughter Fiji.

Fiji: Hey Mom. What's up?

Me: David is dead.

Fiji: Crying. What? Mom? I am heading there now. I am leaving work now. Then she called A'shayia. My daughter from God. She is the mother of my two grandkids from my son Paul. She also left work to come here at our place.

Brandon: Hello? (he is Dave's step son from his previous marriage but they have grown so close that Brandon is like a son to my husband David)

Me: David is dead. (crying)

And I don't remember anymore of the specifics.

Then I saw vehicles coming. EMS. Snow was so thick.

As I was standing up looking outside the window about the commotion outside I felt like I was out of my body watching everyone from the window. I saw Pastor Sam telling and pointing the other driver where to park. Someone shoveling the thick snow.

Me: I was separated from reality. I thought and asked myself "why is Pastor Sam here. What are all this people doing here? And the neighbor, so nice of him to shovel.

Then I turned around and saw my husband on the bed. I sat down on his side, Held his hand. Kissed him. Crying. then.. Pastor Mike came in.

I don't remember much but i do remember we went to the bathroom which is on the other side of our bedroom. He asked me if I want him to call my husband's mom and brother. I said yes. then Fiji came in then A'shayia. and that's all I remember.

I saw EMS people came up. Two of them. I can't go to the bedroom but I was outside our bedroom door. As soon as the lady EMS saw my husband she said "Yep", he's dead. They called the coroner. I can't go inside and layu down again on the bed and hug my husband. We have to wait for the coroner. He came.

For the last time, I asked Pastor Mike to take pictures of me and my husband. He did. Our last picture together. Dave and Juju White.

Then we went back to the bathroom. We have a pretty big sized bathroom. Fiji and A'shayia was there. We waited. Seems like a long very long time. I can't get out of the bathroom because the coroner is here and they are taking Dave's body out to be autopsied. Seems like eternity.

My heart was so broken. My heart is hollow. There is a shape of a heart but nothing inside it. It is empty. I was cold inside, crying, hurt, in pain, mad at God. First night without David. I stayed up and cried and cried and talked to GOD.

I have been a Christian since 2009 And I know better now not to ask for why but ask for what. What do you want me to do next? What do I learn? Why did you have to take David? We have only been married two and a half years Lord. Why Lord?

When you are in the midst of pain you forget GOD's promises. I did. Someone had to remind me.

I do not know how I survived the first night without you Babe. I still slept on our bed. I actually slept on your side of the bed.

Writing this will be part of my grieving process. We all grieve differently.

I am going to write here our story baby. the David White and Juju Ritumalta story. How we met. How GOD wrapped our dating/courtship in six weeks and we got married.

You became a Christian honey. Well, a prodigal that came back home. You are that prodigal. Now you are home David Franklin White. I love you.

...to be continued