Is Your Mother-In-Law Toxic?

This day in age more and more people are finding it hard to keep relationships because of the toxic- -in-laws that come along with the new marriage. Sometimes it comes unexpectedly where the wife and/or husband is caught off guard by the change of the in-law(s).

Sometimes, in cases of having a toxic mother-in-law it’s so much harder on the daughter-in-law because the spouse seems to bend and sway to whatever his mother says because he’d rather not upset his mother, but doesn’t seem to mind in protecting his wife’s feelings and make his wife #1 in his life.

Each time the husband allows his mother to interfere and fills her in on what goes on in the household only allows his mother to have her foot in the marriage.

Cases are rising in marriage by 20% or more, where the cause of a divorce is because of the mother-in-law or in-laws interfering. The spouse won’t put his foot down and stop the interference. He adds on to the problem by sharing issues with his mother and family and they feel they have a right to say whatever they want and don’t care to ask the partner what is going on. They make assumptions.

Until this changes, cases will continue to rise because of the failure of the partner to protect his wife from the onslaught and barrage of issues caused by his family because he failed to act.

1. She’s ALWAYS right no matter what - No one can tell her otherwise and you’ll never find her admitting it either. Are you waiting for an apology? You’ll just keep waiting. If she does manage to give a sloppy apology she will manage to turn that apology into blaming you for her actions and/or words. Maybe she’ll even manage to put on a show of fake tears and tell you how you should be apologizing to her for you causing her to do/say something and try to explain to you how she’s right because….and if you still aren’t in agreement with her, then her demeanor may change because you aren’t falling for her fake tears like everyone else seems to do or they just cater to her to keep her off their backs and BLAME YOU for her being this way

2. She’s quick to disregard anything you say or do - She will gladly ignore your existence in her presence so you know clearly you don’t matter to her. She will ask her son in front of you if her grandchildren can do/have this or that and you may say no but it will go on deaf ears and she’ll do what she is going to do in front of your face and she does not care what you said. If you complain she’ll fake cry and go tell her son how horribly you are to her and she may tend to make up stories to her son to cause issues purposely so her son and you fight then she’ll want to jump in and rescue her son as if she’s doing him a favor and wanting him to see how crazy you are and point out how she didn’t like you from the beginning when she was the one that told you how much she loved you in the beginning. Let the subject of accomplishments come up among others while she’s in your presence where you and your husband share what you all have done and she’ll dismiss anything significant/insignificant and have people focus only on what her son has done. She wants to make you feel as though you are unworthy of ANYONE’S attention. The only thing that she values is what is important to her … being her son and whatever else she can throw in your face to ruin for you on purpose.

3. She lets it be known now she doesn't like you - She will send cards to her son and let him know how much he needs to get away from you because all of a sudden she doesn’t like the fact that you stand up for yourself with her so she tries to manipulate her son to ruin the marriage. She lies to their family about how awful you suddenly are and has any/all siblings of your husband make comments via text, social media and other means that he should get away from you because “all of a sudden” they knew from the beginning that they didn’t like you, which of course wasn’t true because they loved you but it always seems that when something goes down in the family… all of a sudden, they will AUTOMATICALLY say that they knew you were trouble and didn’t like you at all. that you are not good enough for her son or for her family. Funny thing is, she never wants to say it to your face. She loves to talk about you behind your back. You always seem to hear interesting stories of things you supposedly did that you didn’t know that you did, but because of her she loves making up stories about you. Keeping issues going. When you tell your husband how you feel he won’t see your point of view and think that you are over-exaggerating because his mother is a kind, caring, humble woman. He then will want to share your feelings with his mother which keeps her going, although she’ll play innocent to her son and act as if her feelings are hurt that you (her daughter in law) would think ill of her in any aspect when all she’s trying to do is help out YOUR family.

4. She expects subservience - She has had everyone around her do whatever she wants them to and expects you to do the same thing. This would most likely mean you have to agree with all her:

* Opinions

* Religion

* Cultures

* Be part of any/all family get together's

* Learning how she cooks because you are to make her son the foods he grew up on the way she did because she doesn’t approve of what you make for your husband

* Learning to clean the way she cleans because she does it better than you or anyone else

* To have/not have children because she said so and possibly tell you how many to have because she knows best

If you disagree to fall in line with ANYTHING LISTED then you are a horrible daughter in law and she will then tell anyone/everyone that will listen which means church members, next door neighbors, strangers that she comes across, cashiers, pastors of her church, etc. BE PREPARED to be talked about to everyone by her. She will make sure she plays the victim to these people because they don’t know any better and only have her word to go by.

5. She doesn't respect your words, home, space, etc. - She’s made it her choice to pop in to see what is going on at your house uninvited or unannounced and expects you to be happy to see her. Well, maybe she doesn’t care if you aren’t happy to see her but she expects her son (that you married) to accept her with open arms and cater to her every whim. We all know why she has actually come over. She wants to see if she can catch you doing something inappropriate. Something she can report back to her son about to make you look even more vile in her eyes and mind. She finds herself walking around your home, inspecting everything and letting you know things aren’t in place like she would like, letting you know the floors are dirty and/or needs mopped. She has reason to scrutinize everything that happens in your home and finds reason to talk about when she was married she kept the house spotless even when her children were running around so if she could manage to keep things together you should be able to as well. She may even need to tell you that your children should behave this way or that and if her these were her children she would be doing things differently and that you apparently don’t know what you are doing and maybe find reason to talk badly about your parents who raised you and now has reason to be worried about her grandchildren because you don’t do things like her and that is due to how you were raised. She’ll most likely poke and prop and there is no use in telling your husband especially if he is a mama’s boy and he too expects you to just get over it because he has no plans on defending you to his mother. His mother comes first in his mind and she’s made it perfectly clear that she birthed him and how old she has become and her needs are what is important. In reality you should come first, but we all know she will do her darndest not to let that happen as long as she has breath in her lungs. It will be all about her and she will recite that mantra to her son for as long as possible.

6. She is good at manipulation and other games - She’s narrow minded and believes that if she can withhold attention, affection or any other emotion from her son he’ll eventually bend. She may even tell her son that one day she will be gone and he’ll wish he had done this or that for her … She would rather go to her son with these games because it most likely doesn’t work on you since you see through her and manipulations she does and you have no time for it. For her, she is used to doing this to others, and just finds it easier to use silent treatments, guilt, blame, and direct intimidation to manipulate your husband (her son). If he doesn’t side with her, she will be punishing and destructive towards him and letting him see the affection she will give to her other older children hoping it will put him back in his place because he’d want that affection and attention as well.

7. She wants all eyes on her by anyone/everyone, and is concerned with how she looks - Out in public, she will act as a charming, caring, attentive woman who is the selfless caretaker of her family. She may even be known for her wisdom, advice and generosity towards others. People will fall for that and wouldn’t be able to comprehend how you could possibly have any issues with such a wonderful human being such as her. She’s such a great lady in their eyes. There is no point to put in the effort to try and make anyone see differently because eventually they may get a chance to see the side of your mother in law that they didn’t see before.

8. She's completely self-centered and narcissistic - She’s like any narcissist, viewing her children not as being their own individual person, but an extension of herself. She believes that what her children do is a reflection of her and will go above and beyond to try to have them comply with what she wants them to do. She’s decided their paths/their futures and they are to follow that path because she said so. Deciding her children’s path includes who she wants them to marry. Oddly, even though she chooses who they should marry she also is quick to want to try and destroy that marriage because it takes her children away from her. She will find fault in her children’s spouse and put them down saying they aren’t good enough for her child. She will point out to her child how she doesn’t feel they do enough for her child and they should move on. Mind you, even if she agrees and says she likes the person you are about to marry, things will change right after her child gets married because she will find fault in any/all things that spouse does for her child. It will never be good enough.

9. She is glad to smear your name as much/as long as possible - She feels threatened by you and will become defensive, aggressive, sarcastic and everything else. She will feel obligated to try and turn total strangers against you and the rest of her family by lying about you because she feels you stole her son away from her. You may notice that not only strangers around her look at you differently and whisper behind your back but so will the immediate family. That’s because she has made up fantasy stories about you and acts as though she knows what goes on in your home even though she’s not there. You’ll start connecting the dots and see her displeasure when the rumors about you and the lies she’s been saying behind your back comes to light. Eventually she’ll try to turn her son against you, too. She’ll get him to believe her delusions and he’ll only add on to her displeasure and disdain for you by suddenly agreeing that his mother is right and you are wrong and aren’t raising your children like his mother raised him and his siblings.

10. YES, she is vindictive, spiteful, bitter and more - So you’ve now realized she feels threatened by you. Your mother in law sees that you are doing better than she did with her family and feels threatened by you instead of being happy that you are managing your family wonderfully. She’ll make you suffer as long as possible via her son, her other children who she knows will post comments on social media and tag your husband because they know you will see what they have written. Be ready for all the random guilt trips, silent treatments, finger-pointing, blaming, manipulation and more to try and sway people to be on her side and disagree with you and hopefully say something on her behalf to you. She is hoping to make you suffer by turning her son away from you and listen to only her. She’ll try to convince her son that she has tried to tell him time and time again what a bad decision he has made marrying you, how she only cares about her son and your child/ren and would prefer that they move in with her and you live on the streets or in a gutter for all she cares.

Have you disagreed with her son? Did she all of a sudden know about your disagreement and now has even more to say about you as a person because you weren’t supposed to disagree with HER son? Seems that when she comes over she all of a sudden has some snide remark to make commenting on something you disagreed about and wants to make sure no matter who it’s in front of that she knows all about it from her son. By the time she heard the story and it came back to you it is now twisted and is nothing like what had happened. She exaggerated the situation immensely. She seems to enjoy seeing your expressions as she tries to school you on what you are doing wrong and how you can fix the situation and make it better FOR HER… This is also her time to now scold you like a child and correct your mistakes and make you want to beg for forgiveness from her.

11. She shows you her evil/negative side that she seems to hide from others - At some point you have noticed that your mother-in-law has two faces/two sides: the nice, kind, caring, humble one she shows to friends and family, and the evil/negative, critical, toxic side she seems to save for you when no one is around. If you tell your husband what his mother has said and done he’ll look at you and tell you that his mother IS NOT that type of woman that would do/say these things and he believes you are making it up or blowing it out of proportion. If you mention what happened in front of your husband and her she quickly brings on the water works and acts shocked. She has no idea what you are talking about and tells her son how hurt she is that you would make up such horrible things about her. She’ll remind her son of all the things she has done to help him and this family out and how she suddenly feels used. In the end you will look like the most horrible person, that’s what she wants.

12. She pretends to care, but we know it's all for show - There are times that she’s really nice to you, but you know it’s because you did something that she asked of you to do and you just did it so there would be no issue. She may have even remembered your birthday this time and complimented you as well. You are probably thinking that things are about to turn around. DON’T FALL FOR IT! It will not last.

13. She's just waiting for you to let your guard down - Don’t drop your guard on anything. She may be hoping that you’ll drop your guard or let her run the coop if she does one thing that you want for the moment. It may feel warm and fuzzy inside that things are FINALLY turning around. It’ll be like a sucker punch to the stomach, because out of nowhere, she will turn on you just as quick when she doesn’t get her way and you’ll once again be reminded that she will never accept you because you took her son away from her and she’s no longer the Queen of her household in her eyes. She’s lost her son, she’s lost control of what goes on in your household, etc. The thought of not having control over EVERYTHING makes her crazy and she will again show her wrath. Don’t put your guard down.

14. She has lots of control issues - So you aren’t respecting her authority as she wants you to. She can’t get you to obey her and do her bidding, well she’ll take more control of her son, her other children, her grandchildren, family, friends, neighbors, total strangers. How? Remember she’s good at what she does and what should be simple to do, she’ll make it almost impossible and call all the shots. To her it’s not about if you do everything correctly, it's more about seeing how high you will jump if she tells you to jump. She is wanting to see your loyalty to her and she will constantly put you to the test.

15. You’re thinking about divorcing because your mother in law has wedged herself in your marriage - You’re at the point in your relationship where she has wedged herself so deep in your marriage that her son takes his mother's feelings to heart and yours are thrown aside. Somehow, she has managed to convince him that she is the only woman he will ever want and need in his life because she’s his mother. In a sick and twisted way, he believes it. At this point he has allowed his mother to tell him what to do to get back at you for wanting to divorce him because he believes he is the best thing that has come into your life, all because his mother has told him this. His mother has twisted his mind and now wants him to spite you on purpose, to lie about you, to purposely manipulate situations around him to make you look bad. She even has her other children contact her son and come up with false stories and lies about you to make him feel like he deserves better than he has. Your mother in law is willing to destroy her son's marriage at any cost if that means she will be the Queen of her castle again without anyone taking her children away from her.

16. She has become angry that you told someone that her son talks down to you or something more serious and now she wants to smear your name to anyone and everyone - Has her son put his hands on you aggressively and you told her what he did? She probably has already made excuses for his behavior saying:

* He was stressed out from work so it wasn’t his fault

* You stress him out because he has to do EVERYTHING around the house including make your medical appointments as well as his child/ren appointments (which isn’t true because you are the one that makes the appointments, but her delusions say otherwise and she will try to convince as many people she can of her delusions so you seem like an evil, uncaring woman who is only in the marriage to use her son)

* If he hit you or laid his hand on you, you are supposed to keep your mouth shut and not tell your family because it’s none of their business

* If he hit you, you deserved it

* If he hit you, she wants proof that it was him that actually did it because he already denied doing doing anything to his mother

* You are to deal with him hitting you or being aggressive with you because you two are married, so get over it

* If he talks down to you, you need to keep your mouth closed because he is the man of the house and he deserves respect

* If he talks to you, you aren’t on equal levels because he works outside of the home and you only work in the home so he’s more important in any/every aspect

* Who cares if he said he only wanted to marry you to please her (his mother)

* Who cares if he said he only married you because he didn't want to be alone, her son has a right to feel that way

* Who cares if he said he only had a child to please her (his mom), she didn't really want you to have a child to begin with because she considers that her son and you are disabled because you both are shorter than average and therefore she considers you both disabled

Because you’ve spoken out about it she now decides it's time to get back at you for talking about her son even though she already knows and so does the rest of the family that her son has a temper. She has decided that she’s going to exaggerate and make up stories about what you told her to the rest of her family to infuriate them and have them mad at you. She knows that some of the family members will contact you and accuse you of falsely accusing their brother/uncle/friend and you are just mad at him and want to get back at him because you didn’t get your way and disagreed with him. Some may even say you are just doing this because he won’t give you money. It’s funny to see how much his family thinks they know that is going on in your marriage and all of a sudden seem to know what has happened.

17. She calls her grandchild/ren and tries to turn them against you since her son isn’t listening to her about leaving the marriage - She has started to make it her mission to contact your child/ren and try her best to convince them how evil you are and how you should be letting the child/ren do more but you won’t because you are just being mean to them on purpose. She’s probably even tried to convince your child/ren that they are now at the age they can stand up to you as their mother and if you have a problem with what they are doing or saying to you they can just tell her and she will back them up and/or come and get them from the house because she doesn’t approve of you being their mother anymore nor wants you to be married to her son. Why has she gone to speak to her child/ren? Because her son isn’t listening to what she has to say now because he decided to work out the marriage and not go through a divorce that she only made happen and her Throne was overrun once again and she cannot rule everyone like she wanted.

Her son probably stopped talking to her so much because all she wanted to do was try manipulating, guilt trips and more and her only last hope is to get through to the child/ren.

18. She has told you that your son will love no other woman EXCEPT her -Your mother in law is trying to stick it to you one way or another. When it’s you and her alone, she is spiteful and will make sure to tell you how no one woman will love her son as much as her. NO WOMAN! She knows her son like the back of her hand and you don’t. She will tell you all these reasons that she needs to be with her son and every reason that he loves her. Makes you wonder about their relationship! The ways she talks it concerns you about her narcissistic behavior and her always trying to destroy any relationship with anyone else.

19. She has decided that when her son gets in trouble for his behavior she has reason to start lying about you and convince her son that she knows best and she will help him make up lies about you - In the beginning she liked you and pretended to love you and tell you how she wouldn’t allow her son to get into trouble and would blame everything on other people. If her son hit someone she would tell you that she would tell the other kid's parents that that child upset her son and therefore it wasn’t her son's fault for hitting that other child. As he got older she would explain he had other relationships and share how she interfered in other relationships and she would always blame the other woman for the relationship not working out. Your mother in law explained how she wanted her son around and his girlfriend/previous fiance didn’t approve and so she convinced her son to leave that person and he did. Now you’ve come into the mix and aren’t one to put up with the interference and she feels she has to step in and has gone above and beyond to try and ruin your life on purpose and has her other family do the same. She wants the heat off her child and turns the attention on you for as long as possible.

20. She has her other children convince their brother that they never liked you when they first met you before you and he got married - they will also lie on his behalf and make it seem like no matter what they will have his back even if that means lying for him so he looks amazing to others, whatever necessary. You’ve come to the point in the road where his family member(s) have decided that they like to tag your husband (their brother/son/uncle) in posts knowing you will see what they write. They will comment about what an awesome brother/father and husband he is and no matter the distance they will ALWAYS have his back. When you ask him why he allows them to stick jabs at you, he pretends he didn’t know it was a jab of any kind. For some reason, you even find him allowing their toxicity in your home because he won’t man up and back up his wife. He excuses any/all of what his family does to you … but will get upset if you comment about his family. He sees they do no wrong. Well, depends on the day of the week they do no wrong in his eyes or if they don’t upset him then it’s all fine and dandy otherwise he has much to say about them and how how his mother raised him and how he is mad about his mom and/or dad doing this or that and he didn’t agree with it when he grew up.

Still unsure if your mother in law is TOXIC? Let me give you some examples:

EXAMPLE #1

Susie’s mother in law Nancy, came for a visit for several weeks. It always seems that when Nancy comes over she never really tells the honest truth of how long she will be staying but Susie sucks it up because it is her husband’s mother. Susie’s husband Chris works all day and doesn’t get to see the side of Nancy that she does. When Nancy arrived she expected that she be catered to nonstop. That Susie talks to her all the time. Nancy wanted any/all attention on her the moment she stepped foot in the door like she was the Queen of Sheba or something. Nancy already knows that Susie isn’t one to constantly talk. She can be very quiet most times and it doesn’t mean she’s upset, but she’s just not a talker. She’s in a way like Nancy’s oldest daughter Samantha. Samantha doesn’t like to just talk all the time, but for some reason your mother in law thinks that because she came to the house that she is going to change her behavior and acquiesce to Nancy.

A couple hours of being at the house, Nancy wasn’t getting the attention she thought she deserved. Nancy was upset that when Susie’s mother called she answered the phone and talked to her own mother. Nancy made loud moans and sighs to try and remind Susie that she was in the house. When Susie ignored the noises and walked outside to continue speaking to her mother, Nancy had to open the door and stand in the threshold of the doorway to listen to what was being said and made more noises to announce her presence that Susie was ignoring. After Susie got off the phone 10 minutes later and opened the door to head back in the home, she watched Nancy hurry over to the couch and sit and pretend to start crying. Nancy had no tears and began whimpering, she stood up and announced that she was going to leave the home and not return until her son got home. Susie just looked at her mother in law and told her that that was no problem and to be careful which way she was going to walk down the road because in one direction the neighborhood wasn’t the greatest. Susie also reminded her mother in law that her son will be home in about 4 - 5 hours and let her know it’s going to get very hot out there so she should take some water or something with her and stay in a shady area. Nancy didn’t expect the nonchalant attitude from Susie. She expected her to beg her mother in law to stay and apologize but that didn’t happen. Susie was calling Nancy’s bluff and wasn’t going to tolerate her mother in law’s five year old behavior. Nancy looked back at Susie as she stood in the doorway to exit with her purse over her shoulder and a small bag of clothes she gathered for herself from the large suitcase she had in the guest bedroom. Susie saw her out of the corner of her eye while watching t.v. on the couch. Nancy slammed the front door shut and made loud noises as she walked down the small hall to the parking lot and walked away from the apartment that Susie and Chris lived in. She also picked up the phone and called Chris at work to give him the heads up that his mother just left the apartment because Susie wasn’t giving her enough attention and wasn’t talking to her nonstop. Chris said he’d handle it and ended up calling his mother. About 30 minutes later she returned to the house not saying much and stayed in the guest room until her son came home around 4:30 pm. He decided to leave work early to take care of his mother. Chris came over to Susie to hug her and try talking to her, but Nancy hurried out of the room and grabbed her son, pulling him next to her on the couch where she fake cried. Susie rolled her eyes and went into the kitchen to begin cooking dinner. She listened as Nancy was telling her son that Susie said she didn’t like her and she wasn’t wanted there at the apartment. Nancy continued on talking about how Susie doesn’t really speak to her and Chris tried to explain that Susie is the same way as his sister Samantha in which they don’t talk much unless they have something to say. Nancy shrugged as if she understood but fake cried more about how she came here to help us out and I have shown her while he was at work that I just don’t appreciate anything she has tried to do.

Susie couldn’t believe what she was hearing but kept her mouth shut and continued making dinner. Susie and Chris began whispering then Nancy got up and headed to the guest room that was off of the kitchen. She looked over at Susie with a smirk on her face then made fake sobbing noises as if she was crying. Since Chris was behind her he couldn’t see his mother's face and tell she wasn’t really crying. Susie shook her head and looked back at the stove. Nancy glared at Susie before entering the guestroom and closed the door.

Chris came over to Susie at the stove and asked her what happened. Susie explained what happened the moment Nancy came into the house when she arrived. Chris believed his mother about Susie being mean and ungrateful. Why would his mother lie to him about this? Besides it’s true that Susie does seem to “complain” about his mother. He never sees what Susie sees with his mother. Chris thinks Susie is jealous of his mother and the love they share. What else could it be? His mother doesn’t treat his wife, Susie, any different when he’s not around, right? She wouldn’t do that, would she?

EXAMPLE #2

Susie and Chris had a major disagreement between them. After Chris had called his mother numerous times to ask what he should do in the situation regarding his wife. Nancy was so overjoyed. She was eager to add her 5 cents into the mix and reminded Chris that she was the only woman he would need in his life. She was the only one that loved him. Truly loved him. Nancy was quick to remind her son that if Susie loved him like she did, Susie wouldn’t cause issues and wouldn’t argue with him. Chris was then quick to relay the messages from his mother as if it was him that was saying these things. Whatever Susie responded to him, he’d later call his mother and let her know what Susie said. Nancy then would give her son more things to say to his wife.

Whether Chris knew it or not, he was allowing his mother to dig herself deeper into their marriage and lay claim over more and more things.

Chris didn’t see a problem as to what he was doing. He was used to always going to his mother for any/everything. She always made him feel good about himself for giving her information. She found ways to praise and reward him for always doing what she wanted. Susie was different though. Nancy didn’t like that Susie wouldn’t bend or fold like others did for her. Susie was stubborn and Nancy didn’t want someone who had strong will in her family other than her. She wanted her sons and daughter in laws to be weaker and depend on her.

Chris found himself talking down to his wife like a child because he took the advice of his mother. Chris made Susie feel that her feelings and whatever else she said or did wasn’t good enough and/or didn’t matter. Chris made it seem like he was the King of the castle and he ran everything when that wasn’t the case.

He couldn’t understand why his wife was so upset with him. His mom was directing him to do the right thing, right? His mom wouldn’t purposely do anything to jeopardize his marriage, would she? His mom knew best. Right?

EXAMPLE #3

Chris and Susie had debated whether to get divorced. Susie had started the process of divorce because she didn’t see any other option since Chris made it hard to have a relationship with him because there was an interloper in the marriage, that interloper was his mother. Chris moved into another room and made it seem like this was good for them to divorce and help them to remain friends after this was over. He talked about his mistakes he made and apologized for hurting Susie like he did and lying on his wife to so many people, but suddenly something changed.

Chris called his mother and explained what was going on. How he had moved into another room of the home and how he apologized to Susie for what he had done. By the time he was done talking to his mother, Chris had a change of tune and was manipulated to believe that Susie was cheating on him and probably had been seeing another man. Nancy had also made it seem like Susie was a gold digger and was wanting money from him. There was no money! Susie and Chris lived paycheck to paycheck. It was becoming even harder to pay bills because Chris decided he wasn’t going to help Susie pay the bills with the little bit of money she was getting.

Nancy had begun mailing her son cards with negative comments about Susie. Chris would receive these cards and then leave it out making sure that Susie would see them and then pretend that he was offended that Susie saw the cards and accuse him of spying on him and causing problems for him and his family. He would call his mother in the evening time and make up scenarios about what was going on because he seemed to enjoy the drama that was going on and it seemed like he wanted some sort of rush. He got the rush that he seemed to need and he was getting more and more attention and people to feel sorry for him. Why would he give that up?

Susie would tell him that she didn’t appreciate how he was behaving after speaking to his mother, and he would tell Susie that she was wrong for wanting to divorce a great guy and wonderful husband such as himself and his family would stick it to her in the end.

Susie had no intention of arguing with him. She felt sorry for Chris. He, his mother and family seemed to be delusional and delusional people you can’t change.

EXAMPLE #4

Chris had an online/phone affair with an old friend of his that he knew for several years until she moved away to be with her father. It had been over 10 years since he was in contact with his friend Claire. When he found her online, he was so excited about it and shared the good news with Susie. Susie was happy for him. She wasn’t one to get jealous of another female that spoke to her husband. She thought it was good that the two of them could catch up since it had been so long since they spoke. How Susie would later regret it later.

Chris and Claire corresponded in around September and continued to the end of April the following year. It didn’t take long for Claire and Chris to start talking sexually to one another. She would send him half naked pics of herself and he would request more. It quickly just got out of hand. He would tell Susie that he had to go in earlier than normal to work and come home later than normal from work but it was to get out of the house and speak to Claire on the phone and video chat. After work he would pull over in a parking lot to speak to Claire more and get off. He’d speak to her on his lunch break at work as well. Everything evolved around Claire. Even at night, he’d think Susie was sleeping and he’d “sneak” out of bed to talk to this girl and get off with her. Susie decided enough was enough and she would wait a bit while Chris got into a good conversation with Claire and stepped out of the bedroom. He would pretend he wasn’t doing anything wrong. If he was on the computer with Claire he had a second screen ready to open up in case Susie had walked out of the room. Susie was good, where she had ample time to take a pic of their correspondence because she knew he’d lie about it.

It went as far as Chris and Claire telling each other how much they loved each other on social media and Chris’ family loving how close the two were. Claire would call him her Papi (Daddy) on social media and not one of his family members questioned it. In fact, they were happy that someone loved their son/brother so much.

The more Susie confronted Chris about this lewd affair he was flaunting all over social media and him sneaking out of the bedroom, leaving early and coming home late was enough, Chris would get defensive. He would start posting on social media half sentences. Half truths. He would post that he was in a deep dark place and Claire would immediately respond how she’d take care of him and get ready because she was going to call him. Susie even contacted Claire and asked her to back off and Claire would flat out lie and say nothing was going on between the two then she’d contact Chris and tell him that his wife contacted her and how funny they both thought it was. Chris would then contact Susie and tell him that Claire said she felt threatened and that Susie needed to apologize to Claire for upsetting her.

Several more weeks went on of this and Chris posted more half sentences on social media. So much so, that his friends and family (especially his mother) would send him cards in the mail. His mother sent him cards with bible verses. One of them being “...tis better to sit on the corner of a tin roof than in a house with a contentious woman…” Susie became livid. Had his mother truly lost her mind by condoning what was going on? Susie befriended Claire on this “secret” website Claire had Chris join. Claire quickly claimed that Susie was her best friend and then it was that Claire started to share stuff about Chris’ wife. How crazy the wife was and how ugly she thought the wife was. Susie of course used a different name and pretended to be in shock at what was happening to Claire. Claire then began sharing what she and Chris had been talking about. Not only had she shared the conversations with Susie, but she spread it all over this “secret” website she had Chris join.

Not only did Susie befriend Claire, but she also called Chris’ mother and shared with her how disrespectful her son was with her and how he’s having an affair. Nancy wanted to know if Claire was seeing him in person and Susie said no. Nancy said that her son deserved happiness and apparently needed something that Susie wasn’t giving him and to get over it. She was happy her son was taking care of his needs and Susie needed to keep her mouth shut about it. Her son can do whatever he wants and that’s that. She didn’t want to hear anymore about it. Nancy also claimed that Susie was misunderstanding what her son was doing with Claire. You can't misunderstand sexual conversation and mocking Susie on social media to others! Nancy said she didn't want to hear these lies and negative things about her son because he was a great father and husband and doesn't have time to do anything else except work.

On the last day of April she waited until Chris came back to bed and she got up. She looked for the last bit of info that had happened between Claire and Chris and she went back into the bedroom where he lay and asked him how Claire was. He pretended he didn’t know about what Susie was talking about and she let him know of their conversation in the middle of the night then left and closed the door. He hurried out of bed and wanted to discuss everything. Susie didn’t want to hear what was going on. She got their child on the bus to school and came back inside their home. He wanted to talk. He wanted to come clean. There was nothing to come clean about. She already knew what was going on. He got ready for work and said that he would call her on his lunch break. Susie told him to block Claire’s number and he had to contact his phone company to block international calling. Susie then contacted Claire by phone and told her that he blocked her from contacting him any further.

Chris then left to work a short time later and Susie let him know she also contacted his mother and told her what was going on. She let him know that many people know.

A week after he stopped speaking to Claire he wanted to bring her up in conversation. He asked Susie if he could start talking to her again, but there would be no conversations sexually that would happen. Susie made him choose who he was going to be with and she also let him know that their secret website they shared that she shared with everyone their supposed private conversations they had. So she played him as well. He was shocked. He asked her to prove it and she discussed a couple conversations they had together in great detail. He was speechless. He asked Susie if she really contacted his mother and she said she did. What she failed to mention was his mother’s response to what he did.

Susie lost time with her husband because he thought he had something better with his old friend. Susie wanted more children and time wasn’t on her side and Chris knew that. He thought he could have his cake and eat it too. He thought he could have his fling and his wife and that would be okay. Claire wasn’t looking for a relationship from Chris. She wanted money which he sent to her and she wanted a chance to return to the US with his help since she had moved out of the country to be with her dad. She was willing to use Chris and he was blindly falling for whatever she was saying to him.

What kind of mother would tell the daughter in law that she approved of what her son was doing? Susie found that her mother in law had no boundaries regarding what her son was doing. It was all good to her. She expected Susie to keep quiet about it.

To make the situation worse, Chris’ sister emailed the entire family and made up lies about what was going on. She accused Susie of having Munchausen by Proxy to slander her on purpose. She twisted anything and everything she could to make Susie look bad. Why? Because Nancy told her daughter what Chris had done and to make sure no focus was on their brother/son, they both had input in this mass email that went out. The sister in law, said anything and everything she could and accused Susie of not allowing her child to go out and do stuff which wasn’t true. It was surprising all the schemes and lies that were being spread and even more discussion of how they would try to remove Susie and Chris’ child from the home so Chris could live with their mother and raise his daughter away from Susie.

A couple months later, Nancy showed up at the home of Chris and Susie. She gave Susie the cold shoulder and made comments aloud to her son about how certain people in the home have to watch what they say around a certain someone because there could be a misunderstanding of sorts.

EXAMPLE #5

Susie and Chris were expecting their first child around Mother’s day. Chris’ mother Nancy decided she would come down for a week or two because she expected that the grandchild would be born earlier than what Susie had said. Nancy had to constantly sit extra close to Susie at all times and touch her stomach. Susie tried to suck it up and knew that her mother in law would only be there for a week and wouldn’t be around when the baby was born.

Mother’s day came and Chris took his wife Susie outside to give her a gift and talk to her alone, but that was short lived. His mother stuck her head out the door and pretended to weep and cry. She made a scene and went back inside. Chris left his wife outside to be with his mother. Susie took her time to come into the house and watched as Chris was trying to console his mother who had no tears in her eyes and played victim. Nancy pulled out her wallet to look at the other grandchildren who were home and how she was alone and had no one to appreciate her. Nancy carried on for a long time and finally told Chris how she isn’t appreciated at their home and all she wants is to go home and be with her family that loves her. Susie quickly responded, “I’m not stopping you from leaving. Go ahead and go home.” Nancy glared at Susie then looked over at Chris and pretended to weep.

Nancy carried on for what seemed like forever and finally told Chris that she decided to stay until the baby was born. She wasn’t going to leave. Susie gestured for Chris to follow her into the bedroom. She made it clear to her husband that she doesn’t want his mother here for that long. She never asked if she could stay this long and his mother is only stressing her out. Chris of course said that if his mother stayed he could get some rest that he needed. Rest? Really? You want to sleep and get rest?

When it was time for Susie and Chris to head to the hospital, Nancy sat there in the front seat with her son letting him know how amazing he was instead of letting Susie sit next to him. Nancy told the doctors she was going to go into the delivery room, but Susie shut that down and said she was not to step foot in the door. In fact, she didn’t even want her husband in there. Chris recorded what was going on in the waiting room while he waited. Nancy was causing a scene and weeping the whole time. Susie’s relatives came up to the hospital and waited as well. Nancy did her best to try and make the situation about her instead of what should have been on Chris and Susie. Even Susie’s relatives were disgusted with it all.

A couple hours after all was said and done and Susie was finally placed in a room, Nancy popped her head in the doorway and said, “You ARE GOING TO let me do whatever I want with MY grandchild!” Then left. Susie laid there in disbelief about what just happened. A short time later Chris came into the room. Susie told him what had happened and how no other woman was to hold their child first except her, since she gave birth to their child. Chris of course blew off what his mother had said and tried to tell Susie that she took it the wrong way.

The next day, Nancy came in the room and told Susie she was going to decorate the apartment before the baby came home and Susie nicely told her not to and Nancy smirked and said she could do what she wanted to do because it was HER grandchild. She also decided to express that she was quite upset that Susie and Chris had a child because the two of them were shorter than average and it hurt her heart and since they were shorter than average people (she considered them disabled) that Susie made a mistake and was trapping her son ON PURPOSE.

When Susie and Chris came home, Nancy had decorated the door and the apartment anyway. As Susie approached the door, she took the decorations off the door and entered. Nancy wanted to grab the baby and Susie stopped her. For the first 3 nights, Susie never had the baby in her room. Nancy took those precious moments away from her because she kept coming to get the baby and with Susie having staples in her stomach and such it was difficult for Susie to keep getting up and down to get the baby and Chris kept saying he just wanted to sleep and liked the fact that his mother had the baby with her.

When it was time for Nancy to leave she begged Chris if she could stay but Susie told her that her mother was coming down and it was time that Nancy left. Reluctantly his mother left. Susie’s mother didn’t come down for a couple days which was okay. Susie wanted time alone with their child.

Hours after Nancy got back home from her flight she called Susie and asked if her mother had arrived and Susie told her the truth. Her mother wouldn’t be down for a couple days. Nancy was angry that Susie lied to her. Susie explained that she wanted time alone with their child from the get-go. She explained that they never had time to themselves before the baby was born nor after. She never got to spend those first few days with their child and bond. Susie explained that her mother wanted her to have those moments before she came down because it was important for mother and child and not everyone needed to be there and try to take over. Nancy was angry and hung up on Susie only to call her son on the phone.

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Sadly, you have a toxic mother-in-law and until her son/your husband puts his foot down and is on the same page as you and protects his family which excludes his mother things will not change. As long as he allows his mother to interfere she will. As long as he allows her snide comments, she will do so. It’s not going to work if you just tell her to back off because she already has you pegged as any evil person has taken her son away from her and as nice as it was in the beginning she didn’t think it would last as long as it has and you are and will always be considered a vile woman because you aren’t taking her orders and trying to prove yourself to her.

You need to set boundaries for your mother in law in order for your marriage to survive and to show her that she cannot run your family. Until you are all united as a family it will only get worse for you and your marriage. You’ll have to decide if this is all worth it in the end because until she is stopped, it will only make your life harder.

There will always be some sort of conflict and confusion. It’s in her nature and if no boundaries are set it will also be in his nature to keep bringing his mother into your marriage until it’s irreconcilable and whatever friendship you did have with your spouse, will be completely destroyed and she’ll be there on the sidelines watching and planning on how else to destroy someone else.

I can guarantee you, once she has destroyed her child’s marriage she will put him down and make it hell on him and he’ll wish he hadn't left you, but by then it may be too late to turn back the clock. Then he’ll blame his mom for what happened and act as if he had no part of this game and she’ll pretend that she did nothing and play victim.

SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

1. Your home is YOUR sanctuary and no one else gets to disrupt that

2. Make your wishes known beforehand and if rules can’t be followed then the person/family needs to stay away

3. YOU and YOUR spouse set the rules so you BOTH must remain on the same page and be consistent

4. Know that a scene may be made because of the rules, but stay strong and mean what you say and say what you mean

5. If need be, you both may need to re-establish boundaries and not allow family/friends/etc to enter into your sanctuary until they can show you they are on board. Not just one time, but all the time

6. Schedule family get together's and other time when certain family members come over to your home

7. If your mother in law or in laws in general seem to question your where-about's and expect you to explain yourself, then you need to put in “I”-statements and letting her/them know that it bothers you that she/they have a need to keep track of how long you are gone, who you have over. Explain that it hurts your feelings and you don’t appreciate being treated like a child. You can explain you appreciate the concern, but you need space and you need her/them to understand that she/they are crossing over boundaries that you don’t appreciate.

8. If you have a point to make to your mother-in-law and/or in-laws then make it and be as nice as you can be but don’t beat around the bush.

9. Your spouse is going to have to be straightforward with his mother and/or other family members. He’s going to have to let his mom and/or family members know to stop spreading cryptic messages about you and having the need to put you down at any/all opportunities otherwise it makes both him and you think twice about letting your child/ren go over to their house because you are both concerned that you will talk bad about one of them or both of them to their children.

10. If your child/ren comes to either parent and lets you know what his/her grandparent/family member says, don’t blow it off. You both need to be united in protecting your child/ren and it’s not about him wanting to defend his mother/family members and excusing what is being said and expecting you (being his wife) to get over it. You HAVE TO be UNITED

11. If you happen to go to the in-laws house or you allow them to come over, always let it be known that certain things are off-limits to talk about. If you are at the in-laws house and the mother in law/other family members decide they are going to talk about topics that you put off limit then make a stand and get up and leave. Don’t call their bluff and tell them you’ll give them one more chance. You aren’t there to raise them as a child. You kindly excuse yourselves and leave. If they are at your home, you will need to request that they leave. They may call your bluff but you need to mean what you say and say what you mean

12. Know that it’s okay not to stay at any of the in-laws homes. You aren’t required to do it. Both parties need to be on board not just one person. Otherwise it won’t work. You are allowed to have the space you want and need.

13. Don’t allow plans to be made in your presence without running by you to see if it’s okay/or speaking as if you are non-existent or have discussions out of your presence/behind your back about what is going to happen with your child/ren without also speaking to you. Just because they make plans doesn’t mean that they get the final decision. You are the parent. You get to tell the mother in-law and/or other in-laws to tell them the child/ren's schedule and you’d want them to obey this. If they can’t obey the rules you have for your children then they don’t get to have your child/ren at their home or anywhere alone.

14. Sometimes the mother in law and/or other in laws find it okay to hound you with text messages or phone calls since they aren’t talking to you in person. The rules still apply in which they HAVE TO respect you! Your spouse has to be on the front with you regarding his family. He can’t cower behind you and act as if he’s going to stand with his mother and family on what they do with you, how they speak with you because he’s afraid to stand up.

You have a right to temporarily or permanently block their numbers so they can’t reach you or change your number. You aren’t required to give them any new number of yours because they feel it’s necessary to barrage you with their delusions. You aren’t required to give them any number of yours or anything else especially if they don’t even attempt to respect you.

15. If you/your husband/child-ren have medical appointments you ARE NOT required to give your in-laws information about what happened. If you are pregnant and go to a visit at the doctors you ARE NOT required to give information unless you want to. There is no need for your mother-in-law and/or in-laws to suddenly make plans to come over to discuss the doctors visit at your home.

16. You and your husband need to let it be known that your family won’t be going to your in-laws house for EVERY holiday. That was fine before when he was single, but now he has a family of his own now and you and your family want to make your own memories in your own space. There is nothing wrong with doing that and wanting that. So don’t feel bad about it.

17. Avoid being in the same room alone with your mother-in-law and/or other in-laws because there may be always something said sarcastically to you and lies are spread that way. You also don’t want to be alone in the room with an in-law especially if you are there with your child/ren and they talk about you to your child as if you don’t exist in their presence.

18. DO NOT allow your mother-in-law and/or other in-laws dictate to you how to parent. What you and your spouse believe about raising your child/ren may not be in agreement with what your in-laws feel you should do. In fact, your mother in law may point out she wants her son to raise your child/ren how she raised him/other siblings and it’s the only way to raise your child/ren. You also don’t need your mother-in-law or other in-laws dictating to you that your parenting style is wrong or cause problems

19. You’ve come to a point in your marriage that you and your husband are needing help financially. Should you ask his family for money (or yours)? The answer is NO. While your family may be the total opposite of your husband’s family, knowing this, you will lead yourself into a bigger headache with your mother-in-law. I can guarantee you, you will open up the door for his family to believe they can tell you what to do and be under their thumb. If you feel you have problems with them now… you will have even more after asking for money from them. You need to make sure that your husband is on the same page and doesn’t sneak and ask for money without you knowing and you're left dealing with the repercussions after the fact.

20. Compromise Compromise Compromise. Did I say Compromise? If you know that when his family has the child/ren they feel they are only going to feed the child/ren junk food just because, SPEAK UP! Allow one small junk food a day. Some in laws will take it to the extreme because you allow one junk food a day and make it the largest pile of junk foods in one sitting and sarcastically inform you that “you were the one that said junk food once a day and she/they followed your rules” This is the time that you and your spouse have a serious conversation. It will be your husband that should speak to his mother and/or other relatives about the situation and he needs to let them know that you two are united and he doesn’t approve of what they are doing.

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In the end, it comes down to if you and your spouse are going to be on the same page and say the same things so it shows you both are consistent. You both are united at the front and you both are doing what you need to do for your family not theirs.

The longer that your spouse decides he isn’t going to stick up for you and defends any/everything that his mother and/or family does, it will never work out for you. Your spouse cannot be at your side one minute then the next flip and be on his mother/family's side. It’s all or nothing. There is no in between.

You shouldn’t be made to sacrifice your peace, your sanctity, your joy, yourself and everything else because you are supposed to deal with rude in laws.