Is there only zero tolerance for domestic violence?

I recently received a question: my husband and I have been married for 10 years, he is very gentle with people outside, and work-related relationships are handled very well, but not have much patience with me. He usually takes care of me, but to catch him in a bad mood, I speak angrily with him, and we will easily quarrel, quarrelsome he will push me.

Afterward, he will apologize, will take the initiative to do more housework to compensate me, will also coax me, and make me happy, he will half-jokingly say that he grew up with parents so fights, beating kissing, and scolding are love, parents fight and scold all their lives now is not still living a good life.

I think it's not too serious anyway, so I've been putting up with him, but last week, he pushed me down during a fight, my head knocked on the corner of the TV stand, and three stitches, my husband took me to the hospital and kept apologizing to me. But I'm really scared, I admit I spoke quite angrily that day, which hurt his self-esteem, but he escalated his hands, I'm afraid that in the future he will fight more and more aggressively, and I should consider divorce. e?

This lady, perhaps you have heard the saying, "there are only zero and countless times of domestic violence". Although your husband often pushed you during quarrels before, this time you were hurt and you felt you could not tolerate it, and you did not dare to tolerate it anymore, I can especially understand your fear and worry.

In my counseling experience, I will not cut domestic violence across the board, I will look at a key point, that is, how the man sees his violent behavior, if he feels that he has a good reason for his wife's hands, then the sooner you leave him, the more serious violence can be avoided; if he can face up to the fact that hands are behavior that crosses the bottom line, but he will commit it again from time to time, we can help by adjusting the way of communication him to change this bad habit.

To judge a husband's attitude towards domestic violence, it is not enough to see if he has apologized or not. Those men who feel they have a good reason to do it, even if they apologize, do it to keep their wives, and their apology is just a coping strategy to settle the matter, not real remorse for hurting their wives.

Some visitors I have received will justify their husband's domestic violence behavior, they will say, "I did something wrong", but you should know that whatever you did wrong can be solved in a non-violent way, if both you and your husband feel that because you did something wrong, he can hit you, then such violence Indeed there will be countless times because no one can guarantee that they will never do anything to make each other angry in their lifetime.

From your description, your husband does not fall into this category. His violence, in the heat of emotion, is a subconscious way of solving problems that he is familiar with. He said his parents just fought and fought to get by, and half-jokingly said that beating is kissing and scolding is loving, which reflects that in his subconscious mind, using violence is a way to get close, and using fights to solve problems is also the way to get along as a couple.

In a rational situation, he knows that it is not right to do it, but the quarrel when emotions in his head, he will not be outside the face of colleagues' leadership, when the conflict to maintain restraint, he felt that there is nothing consequential to fight with his wife, parents have been fighting, not still lived a lifetime. The good thing is that he can return to his senses after the incident, can recognize that violence will cause harm to you, and will also take the initiative to do something to compensate you.

To help him change this bad habit and completely stop him from hurting you with violence again, you need to deal with it from three aspects.

First, seriously correct his subconscious concept of "beating is pro scolding is love", telling him that scolding is hurt, this way not only can not solve the problem but also hurt the couple's feelings, you accept communication, not accept his savage emotions.

Secondly, set rules with your husband and tell him that in the future, you have zero tolerance for hands-on behavior, and once again, you will not give him another chance. Your husband can be harmless and gentle outside, which means he can control his emotions, and he is in full control of himself knowing the consequences. He knows that if he gets violent outside, he may lose his job or even be legally responsible.

He is perfectly capable of using his ability to control his emotions at home, and the reason he doesn't use it is that he realized there are no consequences for being rude to you, and you will forgive him anyway. In the future, if you feel your husband getting emotional when you fight again, you can issue a timely warning to him, emphasizing in a gentle but firm tone the consequences of doing it.

Third, understand and avoid your husband's pain points. You need to review your past conflicts, do sorting and summary, and take stock of the circumstances in which your husband will not be able to control his emotions, and which of your words will hit his burning point, after understanding this rule, even if you can not avoid quarrels, but at least you can avoid saying things that anger him.

You can also tell your husband that if I say something that makes you feel particularly uncomfortable, you can immediately tell me, and I will immediately calm you, or you can throw pillows to vent your emotions.