Is it over?

It all started having suffered a traumatic brain injury on February 17, 2018. I was a long haul driver and was traveling home from an extended trip from the east coast. They told me that if I didn't travel a certain way home that I would lose my job. I knew that traveling I-70 would save me time and wouldn't be such a hazard, but instead I was told that I needed to travel north through Iowa to I-94 to make my way home to Yakima, WA. The rest would be history, as I would later find out in a hospital 3 1/2 hours from where I stopped that I had suffered the brain injury I just mentioned.

A year would pass and in 2019 I would meet the most beautiful woman that I had ever seen. We met on Bumble and would talk for less than a month before finally agreeing to meet in person for what would be our forever first date. I instantly told her that I didn't have anything to offer, and that if we were to start dating that I wouldn't be able to financially support her. I was very honest and blunt. I told her that I had suffered a traumatic brain injury, and that I had memory issues and that my emotions were sometimes like a roller coaster. I didn't have a job, nor did I have a vehicle, but none of that seem to have mattered. When I saw her in person for the first time, I knew that she would be my person - the woman that I would marry and spend the rest of my life with. Sure we got married during the middle of COVID, but what would happen next - not even I could have planned for.

You see, I love my wife with everything that I have. As my girlfriend, I loved her with every fiber of my being. My next move, would create a divide that I never saw coming. I was staying the weekend with her, but had told her that I wouldn't do it unless her boys had said that it was okay. They had been through hell and back just 2yrs prior to me entering their life, that the pain and hurt was surely fresh on their minds and hearts. The youngest, who is now 16, wasn't quite comfortable being alone with me yet. His mother had been visiting with a friend and had been drinking wine, so she asked me to pick him and his friends up from a basketball game. I reminded her about him not being comfortable with me yet, and after a conversation I left to go pick him up. Silence they say is golden, but this would actually be the dagger stuck right through my heart. Pulling up to the house, I began to speak. Telling him that I loved his mother and would do anything for her, I asked for him to give me a chance. Little did I know that he had been texting his father telling him how uncomfortable he was with me and that his mom should have been the one to pick him up. Her friend would leave, mom breaking down in the bath-tub because her narcissistic ex-husband began trolling and making her feel as though she was at fault and was a horrible mother. I approached him in his room pleading with him that if he wanted me to leave that I would, if it meant that he wasn't going to go to his dads. He left, and I left shortly thereafter.

The mistake made was thinking that I had the right to confront her son. I was in full protection mode thinking that I needed to be the father figure in this instance, so that he could see that he wasn't losing his mother. That instead, he got his mother back. She found purpose and happiness in that I truly loved her unconditionally like no other man had done before.

Long story short, I lost his respect in that one moment and would never get it back from him even after marrying his mother. May 2, 2020, will forever go down as the best day in my life. I had survived a previous marriage of both verbal and physical abuse. The likes of which I never thought I'd recover. On this day, I found my purpose in life in two words, "I do".

Shortly before we got married, knowing the plans and dreams we would talk about, I started a coding boot camp & 7mo later I would be a Data Scientist. On December 23, 2020 I would accept a position for a tech-startup out of California with the anticipation of only having to take a straight equity payment for the month of January, then being on a full cash payment scale starting the first week of February. And in doing so, I would then take on the task of starting my own business so that my family would be taken care of. My wife would always tell me, "I love you BIG & will ALWAYS support you in whatever you decide to do."

Then my depression and anxiety hit full tilt, and I didn't know what to do or say. February came along and I still hadn't been paid for January. Finally on February 27, 2020, I got my first straight equity stock payment, which would end up being 28hrs short of what I should have gotten. I was assured that I would receive that for the February's payment. The financial stress of not having cash-flow and not being able to provide for my family seriously did a number on my psyche. I began to feel shame, guilt, not being worthy, and began to doubt if what I did was the right decision for my family. I couldn't say anything though, because as a man I have been groomed to put a strong face on and don't show your feelings and emotions. I became angry, irritable and became a man that my step-kids didn't want to be around. They were no longer excited for game nights or holiday's, because they didn't trust me and because they didn't feel as though I respected them. This couldn't have been any further from the truth because that's not at all how I felt towards the boys.

Today I sit alone and scared that I have lost my wife and step-kids. They may be 16 and 19yrs old now, but that doesn't mean that I have to stop loving them. My wife barely talks to me. She says now that she can't risk losing the boys, but what about me? What about the love we swore and promised? What about ALWAYS choosing us, no matter what life throws our way? I am so used to seeing her 24/7, that now I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about her and the boys. I am fighting to save my marriage, but is it too late? Is it over?