Inner Ramblings

I've always loved spending time outdoors, whether its hiking, sitting at the creek listening to music, or gardening; I love to write, obviously, and sometimes I did take notebooks down to the creek to write. During the times when I can get across the creek, and when I have time -which hasn't been lately- I like to hike the hill on our property. Fourteen acres of nothing but nature: truly I'd rather spend as much of my time surrounding by nature, as possible.

My dream is to have an off-the-grid house in the woods, or at least without neighbors close, but somewhere that we can still get to family if needed; I want room for at least two kids, maybe three, a couple dogs and cats, a flock of chickens, and maybe some goats and rabbits. I want enough acreage for a garden and greenhouse, so we can plant everything we'll need to be self-sustainable. There needs to be enough sun on the house for solar panels, and I want to look into having our own water somehow, as well as coops, paddocks, and kennels.

As far as home design goes, nothing fancy; like I said, enough room for two or three kids, so possibly four bedrooms. I've been wanting a gas fireplace for a long time, because I grew up with a woodstove and waiting for someone to cut firewood, while you're freezing cold, is not fun and it's not something I ever want to go through again. It's also not something I want my kids to go through...

This part may get dark, so if you're still here, Reader Discretion Advised: There are a few other things I never want my children to go through... First on this list: I never want them to feel like they can't come to me, or their other parent, for any reason. I have felt like that more than once, and I will do everything I can to make sure my future children never feel like that. Second: I never want them to feel like we don't love them. Again, I have felt this, more than once... The pain a child -or teenager, and even and adult- feels when their parent makes them feel unloved, it lingers... and it returns days, months, even years later, for whatever reason, and I.... I don't ever want any child in my presence to feel as if I don't care for of love them, especially my own.

Third: This is something that I may have to touch on in another post, but pitting a child (or in my case, a grandchild) against the other parent (grandparent). I don't harbor any anger or resentment toward my grandparent for this, and at times I can honestly say (and see) how the other grandparent may deserve it.... but I can also honestly say that I will NEVER pit my future children against their other parent. Mine may be a special case, as it is a grandparent doing it, and (as some readers may know from my story "Dads Are No Joke") my father has never been in my life, but that doesn't change what I've just said.

Fourth: I wasn't planning on adding this one, but it hit me as I was typing and I can't not add it... I have a distinct memory of a phone flying toward me... landing within a foot of me... If it had been thrown a little harder, if the man who had thrown it had been standing a little closer... The phone that my mother had bought, for him, would have hit me in the face... I was 10, maybe 11... I won't share his name, because I don't want this story to be taken down, but I remember it. I remember his mother's name, his step-father's... His mother and father were on that trip with us, because it was to see his family in Florida. They were going to get married... If you could see the look on my twenty-six year old face right now...

All the fights between couples that I've seen since I was old enough to understand what was going on... All of the ones I was put in the middle of... I just... I can't fathom why people would put their children in those postions. Why they would put them in danger like that, and I'm not even a mother. I make this promise now: I will never fight or argue in front of my child or children. No matter what the argument is about, no matter who it's with: If my child or children are around, the argument is not happening.

So sorry for turning my future plans story into a Trauma-Dump, but I guess let me know what you think...

Love you, stay positive.