Inheritance to Love

Love healed my heart; I didn’t know how broken it truly was till one day I received a phone call which changed my life forever. The voice was deep and he said he was lawyer and he was searching for me, why me I asked, he said I have something that has been left to you by your Father, by my Father I blurted out I don’t even know him, this voice confirmed my name and I said yes, then he said where I was born, he knew my mother’s name and by now I’m freaking out inside, I said frantically “Yes, Yes, Yes”, I believed this whole thing was weird, so I jumped into asking what do you want, he then asked for my email so he could send me all the info and then I was to contact him to set up an appointment to collect what was mine, what was mine I thought, he said my father had left me an inheritance, I replied emotionally wreaked “ok ok, I will look it over”.

As I waited for the beep on my phone the notification that would change my life, my mind racing with thoughts of maybe he was an Arabian prince, or a powerful man, then I thought knowing my luck he’s probably just left me his debt, arrggg stop, mind be still. There it is what do I do, how do I feel, opening something from my dad, wait my dad ok this is really kicking in, tears start drowning my cheeks running down my neck, I don’t have many memories of my dad, mum died when I was 5, no one told me about him, I thought he abandoned me, I never seen him again I lost them both that day, I’m totally freaking out, I need to breathe, voices inside are really not helping me, ok I can do this, I open and read.

Dear Nichole,

I am sorry, I am only full of excuses of why I never came back for you and I broke my promise to you, I know there is nothing I can say now because your reading this which means I did not win my fight with cancer, I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough for that either, I have prepared for you though, I spent the past 30 years saving for you, I invested well so my gift to you is that you spend the rest of your life regretting nothing, trying everything and fulfilling your dreams, I know I have no right to ask this but, I do have a condition attached, I have enclosed a little black book, I want you to start with Mathew Fisher, he is my best friend, he’s also a doctor but that’s not why your contacting him, he will tell you about who I am, the book contains 12 people, some friends, some family and only one enemy sorry but the truth is important, Mathew will give you the name of the next and so on the last friend whom helped me the most is Lesous, he will give the everything you need including the keys to your kingdom, you are my daughter, I never left you, I always loved you, you have walked a hard life and my part in this didn’t help, and this may not fill the void, but I will be looking down from heaven with your momma and I will always love you

Your dad

All I can say is nothing, I have nothing to say, I am completely numb, my body feels like jelly and my souls crying out. I have pushed down every emotion for years, I have walked through hell on earth and now, now I have hope, really, do I trust hope, can I trust hope or is this going to be another setback of running around after a man just to be hurt again, but, what if. I have this small soft voice inside me so calmly saying I will walk this with you, ok now I’m shaking, my entire being is collapsed on the floor, aching deep inside my chest where my heart used to be. Tears flowing which I never believed I could cry anymore but apparently evidently, I am, and it feels so strange, so I tell myself, ok, I will do this, and I will find my strength to be able to walk this out, if only to see where this road leads, I will walk it out.

It’s a spring morning, I love the spring, the early sunrises as I stand staring at the sky, rising with its most beautiful arrays of reds, oranges and blues, above the roaring ocean with ships in the distance, mountains afar with snow tips and cloud blankets wrapping them in beauty. This is my morning calm as I sip my sweetened milky coffee, welcoming the calm before the storm. Everyday feels like a storm, one challenge after another, my mind is full of thoughts some challenging and most negative, thoughts of past traumas and pains, I shake my head and say out loud, No, not today. Today I will choose to be in control and not run back to my bed to hide under the blanket, today will be different because today I have a challenge.

I make the call to the lawyers office, a sweet voice answers and says a message I’ve heard so many times “ Gateways offices how may I direct your call” I replied, “can you please put me through to Mr. Pathfrees office please, my heart is pounding, his secretary answers and of course he’s busy so we set up an appointment which I’m so thankful he had a cancellation for this day at 3pm, I’m not sure I could of waited even another day. “thank you mam, do I need to bring anything with me” she replied “just yourself with picture ID please”, just myself I thought, I laughed because I knew that after only finding out yesterday that not only my dad had died, but he thought of me and now I’m in pieces so to bring myself I may have to pull myself together, maybe there’s a glue for that I thought as I laughed, I replied “yes mam and see you at 3.

I’m thoughtless yet mind clouded, having emotional rushes, anger, sadness, fear, uncertainty, what is this, I spent my whole life living in a box in my mind and now it’s like a huge explosion, I didn’t light the match, but the dynamite ignited in my mind. Ok, breathe, I gotta get myself together because for some reason I am feeling excited. I’m gonna start with a shower, yes that’s what I need I can even smell me as I’m laughing at myself. Ok what do I wear, do I need to make a good impression, wait I’ll have my power face on and my clothes well that’s always a fight anyways, my mind says I look homeless no matter what I put on.

As I step in the shower, the waters hot as its running down my bruised inside body, as I wash over my scars, a scar is how I’m feeling, it’s a deep wound that’s cut wide open and now I’m trying to heal it so fast I need the skin to layer faster, please. Inhaling the steam as I fight back the tears that I can feel building up from decades of pain, thinking did he really believe I had a good life, wait he said I walked a hard road, ok this isn’t working I need a drink.

As I wipe the fogged mirror and see this clouded vision of someone I barely recognize, my eyes are so dark, almost black which is the only feature I like about myself, not true I like my dimples too, but now I’m laughing as I resemble a panda, reminds me I need new mascara. I’m gonna make this easy, black pant black shirt and white scarf oh and my comfy boots, I’ll throw my hair up in a bun and I’m good. My hair, I always imagined which parent I got my copper curly hair from, whose eyes do I have, did I inherit cancer too oh no stop.

Ok, it’s almost noon, whisky or wine, wait no, one thing I have learned is not to drink when I’m going through something, I’ve had way too many bad days and many regrets, besides I’m in control and today I’m gonna face it sober, I’ll have eggs instead, scrambled no fried yes fried on top of melted buttered toast with salt n pepper, on it.

As I get into my old red banger of a car, seriously I don’t think there’s anything that doesn’t need fixing, there’s a faint smell between mould and cigarettes that always reminds me of an ole English pub, laughing I think that’s why I keep it, who am I kidding my car resembles me.

There it is I’ve made it in one piece, I’m feeling really proud of myself I arrived safely even with the blackout moments, 999 33rd Ave just off 12th street, I stare at the building, its white washed brick walls with huge tinted paned windows, I swear it’s like it reaches the sky, the red doored entrance with a golden plaque catches my eye, thinking this is where I go, I can’t feel my legs there numb, heart racing, mind flooding with so many voices, thoughts and memories. I make it to the door, and I go in.

Can I help you, the four little words from this sweet, voiced receptionist, her blonde locks floating down her shoulders with her black framed glasses, now she is someone I would like to look like? Yes, please I’m here for my 3 o’clock with Mr. Pathways, wow I said it without stuttering, go straight to the elevator and you will need the 12th floor, ok so far this is easy. As I get in and press 12 and the doors close, I can feel my entire body shrinking, fear sweeps over me, can I do this, can I really, what if he doesn’t like me, oh stop, this is not a date as I chuckle to myself, I check myself out in the mirror then shudder away as I resemble a stranger. That’s it this was fast I’m here. Wow it’s amazing, I have never seen so much glass, glass desks, walls, windows, the walls are clouded and the light so much light, I almost feel exposed, oh my there’s flowers on every desk, white lilies my favorite, I love them, my therapist thinks its because I’ve had so much death in my life, but I disagree to me their like purity and peace that’s tangible to touch but their delicacy gently leaves the evidence of a fine yellow powder which I always get on my nose, so I will resist smelling them as I laugh.

Can I help you, another one wanting to help me, words I would have done anything to hear growing up, “yes please, I’m Nichole I’m here to see Mr. Pathways, I have a 3 o’clock” as she smiles I am mesmerized by her perfectly white glimmering teeth, her deep blue eyes and amazing almost black curly hair, stunningly beautiful, her desk says her names Ariel, even her name is amazing, as she guides me along the hallway I notice her perfect hourglass body, thinking to myself that this woman definitely does not fight to get dressed, she smiles and ushers me in.

He stands and greets me with a handshake, his hair is like golden waves of sunshine and the lightest blue eyes I have ever seen, he smiles, and I feel drawn to him, not sexually attracted but drawn. He gets out a red folder turns the computer screen towards me and begins to talk, ok I have to be focused and really listen. In a soft voice he says “call me Elias” and then begins to tell me all about this black book and a bank account opened in my name with a balance of ten million dollars, ok I’m frozen, I don’t think I heard him correctly, I asked “can you please repeat, he smiles and says your father left you $10,000 000 and there is another signature needed by a gentleman by the name of Lesous, he gave me a list of instructions which he said my father’s friend Mathew Fisher will walk through with me and he’s already arranged to meet us here in about half an hour.

My minds silent for once, I think I’m in shock, because I know I can think but I’ve never had such a silent mind, my body’s slump in the leather back chair and I really need water thrown at me or something, then I think, my life will really change and I’m not scare, I feel like I’m reborn.