In My Minds Eye

Well what does it mean..... Let me start by saying there is no easy way to explain this, in fact some things may not make sense to you at all, they barely make sense to me half the time. Bipolar is my condition, it has brought pain, strife, confusion, humour, heartache, adventure and joy from an optimistic stand point. Mental health is complex to say the least but even in sheer distress the wildest of adventures can play out, some good, some bad, some seriously horrendous but all together huge life lessons can be had. I am going to share my story in full at some point but first I thought I would throw out a teaser.... to reel you in of course, I have lead a very interesting life some days are boring like most average days but others............ Especially the ones from dark but humorous memories tell a story that one cannot deem real unless experienced from believing in prospects of being Married to Hollywood superstars, musicians etc (like I seriously thought Trey Songs was going to marry me in REAL LIFE....SERIOUSLY) "insert straight face emoji" .....To thinking I was a Ninja in a battle with every human in close contact while pregnant..... YES I DID SAY While Pregnant! There is a lot to tell so much that at some point in the near future I will be sharing all these stories in An OFFICIAL Autobiography...... untill then I will share snippets of my rollercoaster life to keep the creative juices flowing. My family tell me I am very dramatic (this is true) So don't be surprised with the mix and blend of fictional and non-fictional accounts from my effervescent imagination. (Gotta mix it up so you don't think I'm completely off my rocker)................For now please indulge, ask me questions, share your fantasical ideas so I can stay inspired and ME! I will share the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth....... As long as I am not triggered into a spiral of Depression....... I hope I can keep you ENTERTAINED...... Love n Kisses xoxo

This is my life introduction.......Just one Girl in the Hood,

Bipolar and my upside down Story

CHAPTER 1

I have a story to tell a very long story and I couldn't think where to begin, I think it's important to share, as many feel alone where mental health is concerned, even though we live in a society that is full of information as well as millions suffering from different forms of mental health conditions whether they accept the thought or idea, process or label, stigma and the best part.............. therapy and medication.

It's no easy struggle and often more difficult if you don't have the support you need to get through life Bipolar or not....... In respect to this I am fortunate so I'll start from my humble beginnings CHILDHOOD. Personally I think I had a good one. I think it kept me grounded my family mean everything and I felt loved from the jump.....now imma open a can of worms, who knows when the story/journey ends I may learn something new about myself which I envision as the most incredible form of therapy.

I was born and raised in North London, Tottenham to be precise my life journey began in North Middlesex Hospital where my mother gave birth to her first born, me. My beautiful mother was a teenager and had me at the tender age of 15 .... My dad was in the same school year and a young man of 16....... It was love, but a short lived love. The beauty was that although I was raised in a broken home senario, both sides of my family shared a closeness from early that made us in-seperable and as a child I was blessed with love from both sides. From early on my warm spirit and tenacious wit was seen as the Sunshine of the family, coming from an African and Caribbean stronghold I was fueled and influenced with a vibrant culture that was heavily set with the wisdom of my great grandparents and my maternal and paternal grandparents..... In fact my Grandma's were my best friends.... these youngins of today do not realize how much they can learn from the elders. Me I never took this for granted.

As a child I remembered nothing but fun, lavishly made dresses by my great grandmother who was a skilled seamstress, Priscilla was a strong-willed woman a true battle ax. To the children she was strict, sometimes miserable always telling us to be quiet but also ever so loving and often spoiling us with pocket money and sweets. Grandma Liz was never afraid to piss anyone off, she always thought she was right even when she knew she wasn't she was argumentative and to be honest bullied my Grandma a little bit. Grandma Liz was fortunate to have the daughter she did caring for her every need to the very end, as the attitude she carried sometimes most wouldn't. To be honest my mum's mum Grandma D didn't have much of a life of her own when I was growing up she spent most of it caring for my Great Grandparents. My Great Grandfather George was a wise old man and a 2nd World War Veteran, I didn't witness a happiness shared between those elders when I was young (himself and his wife I mean), my Grandad George lived not too far in Wood Green and I would often visit with Grandma D when she went to complete chores and check on his health, when he did visit Grandma D's house I always wondered why he and Grandma Liz would not ever be in the same room as each other, they did not speak to one another and he would never go upstairs ever. I did think it was strange but because they were both old, miserable and scary I dared never ask lol. Listening to the adults arguing was funny at the best of times. My Montserratian (if I even spelled that right *shrugs shoulders*) heritage had me and my cousins in fits of laughter when my Gran-uncles, Grandmother and Great Grandmother stuttered through arguments, swearing included. (I honestly believe this is a trait amongst people from Montserrat) My mother and my aunty who are twins did not know their father as he passed away when they were babies to my knowledge it was an asthma attack a health condition which was unfortunately passed to them also....... doesn't stop either of them smoking mind you. All I did know of him was that he was an African man and for years I thought he was Nigerian, only because prior to this relationship my Grandmother was married to a Nigerian man who is actually my uncle's father (my mum and aunts older brother) so I shouldn't have but assumed their father was of Nigerian decent also, in actual fact he was South African, not sure exactly where from, funnily enough my grandma and I were so close I'm quite surprised we didn't have this conversation. Now she is no longer with us I'll never get those answers. Although I did not know my mother's father I had a beautiful relationship with my father's father. Grandad Green was an awesome Grandad, a handsome, always finely dressed and sociable man. I have fond memories of him as a child myself and my cousins Ree and K loved when he would chase us around the house pretending to be a tiger, that game was one of our favourites while Grandma would be shouting from a distance "unu be careful, tap di noise, mind yuh hurt unu self" and we'd be chuckling away hiding waiting on grandad to find us and ROAR! Grandad god bless him loved his family dearly was a helpful husband never shying away from the house chores and akin to Grandma was a superb chef. My grandad loved me and loved how I could handle my pepper from an early age my cousins couldn't, his favourite line to all of us was always "remember yuh ah GREEN" with passionate emphasis on the green. Grandad also had a serious alcohol problem as I got older it became more evident and less funny, so you could describe him as a functioning alcoholic as he was able to be a strong father, husband, grandfather, friend and Christian. Being so charming he had his way with the ladies too, maybe I'll revisit this later, maybe not one thing I'll never doubt is his love for his family. Well my two 1st best friends were my Grandma's ....... Grandma Dylcia my mums mum, and Grandma Green my dads mum. Two of the most phenomenal women I've ever met, where these two are concerned I will probably go back and forth through moments in my life discussing their words of wisdom and memories of laughter, joy, pain etc. They both are a strong focal point of who I am as woman today, I have so much of them within me and that makes me proud, I know they are both smiling down from heaven on me, their love was immeasurable. The very best part of my relationship with them was that they were also best friends... I grew up having them so close to each other themselves my years growing up was filled with memories with both bearing witness and them two together, both different and unique qualities of their own made a strong friendship. Their relationship taught me how to choose my friends and how to show true love and honesty no matter how hard. How to support and defend your friends, as well as telling your friends when they are wrong. and boy oh boy did these two know how to have fun, the laughter was endless, they worked together, traveled together, cooked together, cried together, cussed their children together and others of course. both kind and warm and caring of people and their community. I've never known any two women like them and they made me strong.

As I wizz through memories of my childhood I may get things back to front but hopefully it will all make sense..... and letting you in like this may just mean I make sense, as in me as in who I am. Personally I don't think I'm complicated I have just experienced some unfortunate events in life like most. Most of all understanding the Bipolar side of me in an unapologetically, interestingly important as well as a heavily tricky feature of mine, although it's been tough at the of best times, it is a part of me and something I embrace.

There's one particular memory of mine that I could never get out of my head to this day, it's not a very good one but I think it taught me a life lesson at a very early age....... I was about 5 years old and I was at my uncle Len's house, I remember quite clearly that my cousin Lance was with me and my mum and Robert (years later he became my mums partner ironically) were in the front room. I don't remember my uncle being at home nor my aunty Jay I'm sure this was long before they separated and neither of Lance's older sister's Lee n Sel were apart of this memory. This is what I have seen repeated in my mind to this day, Lance and I were playing and my mum and Robert were sitting on the sofa next to each other talking, the front door knocked and even though Lance was 5 at the time he was tall enough to reach the lock on the door to open it.......... It was Derek my 2nd n 4th siblings father (I'll get to that later) I remember he was already angry as he came through the door and went storming towards the front room. My mum looked shocked to see him although they were together at the time, then everything got very loud the adults were shouting and arguing and then .......... my mind goes completely blank almost like whatever I saw I blocked it out because I didn't want to remember........ next I remember which was likely to be the following day walking down the small hill of Grandma D's road holding my mum's hand on my way to I don't know where but towards Tottenham High Road and looking up at her with dark shades on in an attempt to cover the biggest black eye I'd ever seen. (Sigh) Domestic violence is not ok and effects everyone involved but especially the children watching their parent suffer.

This early lesson taught me to NEVER accept an abusive relationship and for me at 5 understanding physical violence as wrong and emotionally painful. My mum went through a lot where her relationship with Derek was concerned, but That feeling and memory has never faded because I think psychologically it still makes me angry and I think those experiences of my mum suffering made me mentally grow up too fast in my innocent eyes.

Let's get back to the not so tough stuff, I'm not sure if you can tell from my writing that I talk a hell of a lot, so much so that I'll never forget being at the dinner table at uncle Len's with my cousins Selina, Leeanne and Lance and I would chat chat chat away when I was supposed to be eating and they would all finish their dinner before me and I would be sad because I was last at the table eating by myself. My cousin's would always laugh at me saying "Careen if you eat one rice grain at a time you'll be there forever". It would always be the same routine at dinner time no matter where I was with those three big cousin's I never learned my lesson. Simply because I couldn't stop talking.

As I said before my mum and my dad's relationship didn't last very long, I'm not sure how they even met..... I'll ask so I can copy n paste it here _ Both versions of the breakup differ but similarly my mum said my dad cheated and my dad say's it was my mother to be honest it doesn't matter that much to me at all they were young and bound to make mistakes , what does sometimes baffle me to this day is how much my mum still has so much anger towards my dad, that has been a consistent theme throughout most of my life. I think that sometimes when you really love someone and your heart is broken you never really get over the pain/violation, I do believe my mum's version more mind you not to discredit my dad but he was a bit of a play boy in his younger years, he picked up that trait from his father. So him cheating sounds more realistic and my mum actually had a back up story but dad said he couldn't really remember, which I don't believe for a second........anyway I still think my parents are awesome and both posses some incredible qualities. Mind you what do I possibly know the fact remains they were very young. My mum and dad met around the ages of 14/15 my mum went to Saint David's and Katherine's secondary school in Hornsey known as DnK by my generation with her twin Aunty Fran who I like to call 'Frankie' and my dad went to Drayton based in South Tottenham with his older sibling aunty Dorrel and younger sibling uncle Rodney. I also attended what was known as Drayton but by the time I went to secondary school the school was called Gladesmore school.

My mum and dad to this day do not get along, my mum cannot stand my dad, he is an interesting and problematic individual at the best of times and my mum the more humble of the two will never see him as a person with sense. My dad on the other hand thinks my mum is a hater (lol) and tries to blame my bipolar on her (too much responsibility too early is the ways in which he would describe it). Before my two grandma's became best friends the relationship between my mum and my dad is probably what brought them together as friend's, they were the mother's of two teenagers about to embark on becoming parents (I don't think either of them were impressed at the time) I remember a massive beautifully made chest of drawers grandma Green had it was like a chestnut brown colour with a marble looking affect glossing with shine and gold dainty handles. There was a mark on the second drawer down almost as if it had been cut with a knife....... the story I was told was that when my dad gave grandma Green the news that my mum was pregnant, grandma threw some heavy metal scissors across the room at him, luckily enough for him it hit the chest of drawers rather than his head (oooooh that would have been brutal) funnily enough or not so...... depending how you look at it, I remember the exact weapon of choice, those scissors were dangerous lord god.

Another thing that additionally brought my grandmother's together was that my aunty Fran and uncle Rodney (my dad's brother) also decided to fall in love and have a relationship for some time, their relationship lasted much longer than Rose's (mum) and Barry's (dad) and even for a period of time Frankie enjoyed living in the Green household. I'm also gonna ask Frankie and Rodney how that ended so I can get both versions of the story (hahahahha) but if I was to guess which I think I'd make a good estimated idea, my aunty probably grew tired of uncle Rodney's lazy attitude towards relationships and life itself. (Sorry if this offends you uncle but I think I know you very well) To be fair they were still young and figuring life out so when you're in your early 20's what do we really know? At that point it's safe to say we all think we know it all in our 20's but life and the journey of adulthood would have only just begun.

So.............. Frankie say's her and uncle Rodney got together at 16 til they were 19 years old. Rodney was out all the time, while Frankie spent her days between work looking after my grandma and grandad and after some time, decided that she'd be better off if she moved on.

I have not spoken to my uncle Rodney yet! But we can come back to that later... anyway where were we on My journey called life?

Oh yeah, my mum and my dad's relationship was short and not long after that my mum met my 2nd and 4th siblings dad, aside from my mother's abuse experience Derek once that had stopped physically was not a terrible guy, it took me a long time.... years to see him as much of a father figure. He did not treat me badly I even feel to this day he cared about me a lot and still does, I just think growing up he didn't know How to be a father he had children outside of his relationship with my mother and from what I do know he didn't have a great dad/parent relationship with those children either ....... but that was then, now its better but nothing is is perfect and to be fair who's life is? and I'm yet to find the perfect human being. My first baby sister was born 4 years after me and my sister and brother after that were born with 4 years between the last baby prior to them....... I consider all my siblings close to me including my dad's children, I have a step-brother who is exactly the same age age as my very 1st sibling whom I met when I was 8 years old so he was 4 and my siblings shared with him are my brother who was born when I was 14 and my baby sister who was born when I was 21. Much larger age gaps but we are still close which is beautiful.

So being the eldest and big sister to all of those siblings I have and cherish very much, from early on I had a nature about me that was nurturing and very responsible, with supporting my mum in my little ways, I feel I had a life advantage, I learned to cook early for in family settings. I thoroughly enjoyed this and this particular life skilled was encouraged an enabled by spending much of my time with both of my grandmothers whether within their separate homes and the joy of having them together gave me the genius cheffing skills I learned at a young age, this is one attribute I shared deeply with Grandma Green, we loved to cook and watch as people enjoyed our food, still brings me a lot of joy to this day.

So anyway back to my life ....... I think my parent's broke up when my mum was 17, therefore my dad would have been 17 almost 18 so I would have been about 1 years old. I am not sure entirely but I do not think it was a very long time after that my mum met my sister's Candece and my years later to be born my brother Cameron's dad Derek (there's a sister in between them Dayna but I'll get to that). I wonder how they met (hmmmmmm) he was much older than my mum she was 17/18 and he was well into his 20's 100% over 25 I think he may have been 27 at the time which I think is still a big age gap especially when you are that young (mum) but who am I to judge and what do I know *shrugs shoulders*. I'll always remember my dad saying that he didn't understand and because Derek had a yellow porche at the time, that Derek thought he was nice (which I believe) and my mum thought he was the shit too (my dads words more or less I don't think that would have excited my mum mind you she's not the materialistic type). Personally I think it may have had more to do with the difference between a boy and a man......... and well Derek definitely had the age part on his side (technically of course).

I think from an early age I knew a lot about relationships and being from a broken home, however it did not mean I understood relationships at all, but I got used to the idea that families do not always stay together...... being so young I found this sad, I did not want to be a single parent like my grandmother, mother and Aunt. I liked the idea of stability so there was hope as like the generation of my grandparents, my dad's mum and dad for example maybe I would one day get my fairytale dream and get married and have children with someone to share my family with, there was hope yes but life is never that simple...... I dared to dream as the alternative didn't seem as sweet.

Anyway back to my younger years, from what I can remember our first house was on Shelbourne Rd, I have small pictured memories of that house, my mum, myself and baby sister Candece lived in that house, we had a nice little garden....... One thing that never leaves my mind was a lullaby projector of moon and stars played in the night likely to soothe my baby sister but it soothed me too, I loved staring at the ceiling looking at it, I can even hear it in my head. I also remember the smell of homemade chips and popcorn and sometimes sneaking downstairs to be with my mum and watching bits of Freddy Kruger with her...... this was terrible my mum loves Horrors and scary stuff but I could have only been 5 or 6 years old, it was probably a cheeky way of my mum letting me be fast so I would go back to bed, I do not remember being scared at all, just mum, chips and popcorn Lol...........after that time my memory fades a little, I know my mum was in an abusive relationship with Derek at the time I likely blocked a lot of that out because when you're young and innocent like that you cannot do anything to help, you are in fact helpless hoping for some saviour or superhero to make all the pain go away someone to save your mum, makes me sad thinking about it, I was so little and knew too much which often happens in senario's like this. What my young mind did know was it was wrong, maybe from that early I subconciuously decided that I would never accept that abusive behaviour in my life.

I didn't have to wait long for the Superhero to arrive.........still around 5/6years old my mum met a man named Ian. Boy oh boy did I love this guy, his smile and laughter were infectious and he was kind, warm, caring I could tell he made my mum happy her smile was bright again. It felt like this is the type of feeling you get when you have a real happy family.......... My most favourite moment back then was when my mum and Ian took me and Candece on a trip to the Zoo, I don't remember being at the Zoo hahaha I just know we had a lovely time, I do remember very clearly that me and Candece were brought helium balloons and in particular we had a minnie mouse one and when we got home we were playing with it in our bedroom out the window watching it blow in the wind, the wind took the balloon and we watched it go too far out of reach and we both started crying....... we told mum and Ian but it was too late, Ian felt so sorry for us telling us not to worry and we'll get another one and not to cry. I think he actually made us feel better, which is part of the reason why Candece, and I loved him so much.... We truly did we were happy so much so not sure how long at all but we knew we had our own dad's of course ....... even still we had a deep love for Ian we both started to call him Dad, I can almost guarantee I started that trend being the oldest and he accepted us as his daughter's it was beautiful.

Time goes by so quickly going through these memories has made me seriously realise so much happened and since then a hell of a lot more happened.....Wow.