In Heaven, I love you.

Finally, The day came. This perfect day. So long overdue. The day when all that bullshit. Kept alive. In my mind. The events and circumstances. They led me here.

Yeah, I know childhood trauma.

Neatly labeled and gift wrapped as post traumatic stress disorder. This traumatic life. Filled to the top with abuse, and neglect.

These events. These years. I used to excuse the mess. Spilling over into my life each day. All that stuff. I held onto.

Every single day. . I cried, “ It wasn’t fair.” And, “ Oh, Why me?”

The hundred war stories. We so often trade. It does not have to continue. Not today. You see.

That is what happens. So often to the “victims” of childhood abuse. This Childhood Trauma can last an entire lifetime. For me. Just a little over 47 years. When I realized one day.

To continue in such a state. To live with fear, insecurity, and addictions. This pain. Every time, I Isolated.

Every time, I felt unworthy.

Every moment. I felt unlovable. Not to mention.

Every time. I felt sorry for myself. I was allowing those who hurt me. As a child. To continue hurting me today.

Every time. I thought about and talked about this trauma. I was reliving the tragedy. Feeling helpless and just as unlovable. As I did back then.

This day came. When I saw this truth. Those who abused me. Now dead and gone. For whatever reasons.

Yeah, they hurt me.

No, They were not aware. They had no idea the actions they took. The damage they had caused.

What a burden to carry. The incapacity to love ones own children. My mother never was able to experience empathy or compassion. Oh my. How awful. That would be.

I now see these abusive parents. As vulnerable and weak.

Today I took all the power. For years I allowed them to keep.

There is an old saying. That in my opinion. Is absolute truth.

Taken seriously. It is freedom.

Forgive and Forget.

Finally. Today forgive everyone. Including yourself Then forget it completely. It is time to live life without fear.

I don’t think about the childhood trauma. In the same way today. It does not hurt anymore. My mother was cruel, unable to love me. Though, I still loved her. I was angry. For a long time. .

When my step father passed. (The most incredible person I ever knew) My mother was on her own. She had never been alone and she was vulnerable. Still, I loved her. Even though she could not love me. One day I was at her house. Doing chores and visiting . Which I had done nearly every day. Since my Step Father passed. Two years. I tried to care for her. Though I was angry. One night. I was listening to her talk. When I saw this look in her eyes. I saw fear. She was scared. Like a child cowering waiting for the strike of the fist. It took me by surprise. I did not want that for her. Instantly. Like it never was there. All that anger. Suddenly disappeared. . I told her. “ It is gonna be alright, mama.” “ I forgive you”. I don’t know. If she understood.

My mother was ill. Perhaps a genetic anomaly.

Two weeks later she passed away. A few days after the memorial. I had the most amazing event. Take place. One night. In a dream. She just appeared. In front of my eyes . Looking beautiful, but still herself. She wrapped her arms around me. She pulled me in close. She said, “In Heaven, I Love You.” Then she was just gone. It felt incredible. I felt emotion and for the first time. I felt her love. In that dream.

A lifetime of pain. Healed by a single moment of my mother’s love. Forgiveness set us both free. No, I do not suffer with childhood trauma. It no longer an issue. These days.