If you will have me

As I look out my window I see the amber light of the setting sun giving light to the dying leaves that softly and almost majestically twirl their way down to their final resting place. My swollen belly moves like something out of a sci-fi movie, and thought it hurts a little, it makes me smile. Every breath I take, like a ghost, gets trapped on the glass like another piece of my soul that is now gone. I begin to think of these past few months.

The dread of waking up.

Walking from room to room in order to get a breath in my lungs.

Even outside felt like a cage.

I would give every part of my being.

My chest began filling up, with what felt like rocks, from the second my eyes opened in the morning. By night time I would gag from the weight.

Only to myself.

My kids wouldn't know a thing.. For One thing, they're too young to understand, Two: I have mastered the art of bottling. My bottles are glass and amber. Even my husband was clueless.

Once everyone was in their bed, taken care of and full; I would lay in my bed, in my dark room, next to my husband deep in his slumber. Every incoming thought grimmer than the last and I would silently gasp for air but none would enter whole. My heart would skip beats and my vision completely drowned. My body drained of all energy, still the fear of falling into an eternal sleep, I would stare out the window and watch the sun begin to rise. I blinked and my alarm clock would start.

A few months of this, every night. every day.

Therapy is too expensive, and my husband isn't really...equipped. So I began practicing witchcraft again, writing it down and burning the paper as part of my rituals. The weight slowly lifted, and sunny days were warm once again. I breathed in, and my lungs filled once again

It all seems so far in the past now. Summer came and went, fall is half way through and my third baby is due at any minute.

Maybe one day life will be normal again,

Maybe one day we will be able to afford a proper Christmas for our children,

Maybe one day we'll have our own home, with a room for each of my kids and a dog

Maybe one day my dreams might come true

Maybe.

For now I'm just happy to be here and alive.

I hope to write many stories and poems for you all, if you will have me. Thank you for reading :)