If you hide, I will find you.

Early attachment trauma is a distressing or harmful experience that affects a child’s ability to form healthy interpersonal relationships. It includes abuse, abandonment, and neglect of an infant or child prior to age two or three. These traumas can have subtle yet long-lasting effects on a person’s emotional health.

I found myself unsettled since the reading. It had only been two weeks and already tension was overflowing, savagely settling on the surface of every step I was taking. I found myself watching the walls of my space, the edges of my relationship and the workings of my mind, Etching Capacity!

I can not ruin anything, except, Everything I love!

“Leave, You're not Welcome here! I do not love you!”

The siren of my internal P.A?

The roar of my fear?

The fiend of my Abuse?

“I don't love you, I don't love you, I don't know how to and I don't deserve to. I love you so much that I just keep on hurting you, I don't want to hurt you.”

You know that feeling? When your heart sling-shots adrenaline into your throat and you catch your breath right before you realise the trap door took the load. I feel sadness sinking into the: Core.

Is that the solar plexus or the store room to the centre of our gravity? Because, I think that is the place that hurts! Every-time I feel it I can make it go away, until a stranger told me, I hold the memories! This time! It did not go away!

The reconstruction of my life with the human I love was crumbling again.

I should have never run away from the grief my Mother and Father left, I figured they were dead now! What does it matter anyway!

I found myself walking toward the place I once called home.

My siblings trigger midnight black memories.

I spent a lifetime running from every hurt I was never allowed to feel.

I guess this is why I can never stay long.

Family time has always been a roller coaster straight into madness.

Moderation is essential for healthy connection

‘But! I can not stay here with you, not like this’.

I had to return, I had to go home.

The Crumble was now more like a Shedding that I could not explain to the human I love the most, I left the home and life we share with no words.

If at least! It's unnoticed & too loud to speak.

If they understood, they didn't care.

Insanity is comfort. Because we love and lose the same.

I am allocated space to be whatever it is I am.

I needed to be, somewhere no-one cares to listen.

This tremendous grief; Finds Solace sitting beneath the clouds of acid wash rain. Building castles like therapy.

I found, from there, it's safe to love you.

From here, pain doesn't feel the same.

The words, escape me.

To be continued: No-one knows what it's like to be me!