If only we could go back...

I wish I could go back in time, just 17 years would be good. I would change so much. I would take all the pictures I could with my kids even if I felt fat or ugly and was ashamed of having the picture as proof for years to come. I would never let my kids know how I actually felt about seeing myself in pictures. I would want to do this so I could show my kids that it’s ok to get your picture taken, that it’s moments in life you will never get back. Perhaps if I wasn’t so openly ashamed of my picture taken they wouldn’t be now. Maybe they would have a higher sense of self worth if they didn’t see their mom with none.

I also would try harder to not show my fears, I would force myself to get in that elevator and ride it a dozen times if that’s what they wanted not opt to just take the stairs and meet them all at the top. Same with bathroom doors in public places, I wouldn’t get someone to stand guard cause I was afraid if I let the door shut and lock I would never get it open. I was so open with this fear that Kylie is petrified of doors closing even at our house. She did not learn this fear because she was locked in a room as a kid(accidently) like I was. She learned this fear from me showing her this fear.

My kids are afraid to take more then a couple steps into the woods for fear that a bear is just waiting there for us to walk in and it will attack and kill us all. They have never come across a bear in the times we have actually braved the wild but we have instilled this fear into them because of our own fear with crossing a killer bear. Because of this we have deprived our children of so many nature adventures we could have had over the years.

I would change how I stood up to people or lack there of. I have always been the type to just walk away rather then fight, someone calling you names don’t hit them just walk away. I feel as if by doing this I was the bigger person but in reality when I see my kids do it I feel like I made them feel they shouldn’t stand up for themselves like they are worth less then the people that are attacking them. By walking away the attacker leaves feeling like they won the battle because my kid didn’t fight. The attacker person wasn’t raised in such a way that the bigger person just let’s it go, they were raised in such a way that the person who walks away is a loser and they win. My poor kids didn’t stand a chance cause I was always so adamant that they let it go and walk away. I never wanted them to be losers (and in my opinion they still aren’t) but I feel the way i react to conflict has showed them how to react to conflict and in the end I think it actually hurts them more then if they just took the punch and gave one back.

I also struggle with social anxiety ( hard to believe for some that don’t know me well) but yes I struggle with this every single day. And so many times we have missed out on going to see some really cool stuff or doing some cool things because I can’t handle the situation. They have missed out on going to fairs and riding the midway ( although there isn’t much option of that anymore and they did go to the stampede once) but seriously my kids have never been to a water park outside of an indoor wave pool or hotel waterslide. They have been to calaway park but guess they were too young to remember it. I feel like I have deprived them of an adventurous child hood and why because I can’t handle being around people, cause I am so ashamed of myself that I feel like I have no place at those places and my low self esteem prevents me from even thinking about getting into a bathing suit amonst too many other people. And the end result of my character flaws is having three kids that are very much like me. They seem to be more of home bodies then anything and I can’t help blame myself for that. Recently they have been going out more, to the movies or hang with friends and although the worried mom in me is scared everytime one of them walks out the door I love seeing it. I love them having a life outside this home and I love seeing the hope that maybe I didn’t mess them up as much as I keep thinking I have.

And most importantly I wish I had never had to show my kids there is evil in this world or have them hear about it. That not all families are perfect and that even though I have managed to spare them going through what I have they are still very much aware that this evil exsists. They can’t possibly understand your grandpa killing your grandma when you are raised to believe families love each other. They can’t possibly understand why adults would do things to children that will ruin their lives forever and yet still trust people. Obviously I have tried to shelter my kids from most evils that exist but sometimes they just find out or they hear something or I needed to speak to them about it for their own protection. I wish I never had to talk to my kids about many things , things that not all families have to deal with but the reality is these things have effected our lives. These things are the reason for many of my issues which have had ripple effects onto the lives of my children. If I could go back to the beginning of their childhood I feel like maybe I can fix these things maybe I can put on a happier face, be braver about things and hide things from them a little better. I would realize earlier on that childhood goes by so fast and that a person needs to embrace every moment. Don’t shy away from pictures because you don’t like yourself. Take those pictures and smile through them. Go to the fairs and ride every ride you can without fear of falling off, put on your bathing suit and spend the day sliding down the water slides, head into the bush and teach your kids about nature instead of being afraid of it. It’s too late for me to make these changes cause we all know time travel doesn’t exist but it’s not to late for some of you. Just embrace life and live it and ignore the fears and in 17 years you won’t be sitting around being upset at all the missed opportunities.