I Wish What Could Have Been

Like light and dark my family total opposite from me. While I wonder if I was adopted, I always had mental health issues, from all the trauma I faced. All that I inflicted on my sister and my mother sadly. I don't think they ever truly forgave me.

I had asked for help multiple times but the only person who truly helped me is my partner in life Chris. A man I couldn't truly hurt in my past multiple times but somehow never really gave up on me. That kind of love I'm still adjusting to.

I wish I could have been a better sister, would it have made a difference for her? I am still afraid of my mother because of her sour words she said to me. Those words hurt me so much.

I still don't understand why she hates me so much. Why she doesn't want me to speak to her anymore. When she said please stop contacting us that truly hurt. It's like my mental illness has scared me her so much. I'm still me, that's what she doesn't understand, she doesn't know me.

Fake being happy is something I can't do anymore. I think the only thing I don't understand is I want to have enough money for our new home in Clifton Boulevard. Chris and I are so happy about this. Nothing is ever easy I realize this. I don't get it, whatsoever.

I want to understand why my mother did this, but I fear I will never know the truth.

That's never easy why my sister will never want to know me. Like a sister would want to know a sister. The strangest thing the way she touched my hair it was weird for me.

I know that when I used my action to ask for help. It scared them so much. I thought by knocking on the windows and the walls I would be awakening my power of suggestion. Instead, it made them want to kick me out. Permanently, kick me out. With no way of getting back in, in fact I was banished from my mother's side, and my sisters side. \

I miss doing my YouTube channel it meant a lot to me. I know Chris encourages I get back into it eventually. Just not any time soon. With the baby coming soon it's going to be a full time job.

I am having a hard time accepting that my family gave up on me. How come my mother would rather give up on me then never give up on my sister? Is it because she has a better friendship with her? Or is it something more then that? Is my sister truly the favorite? I think so on all those questions. I feel like that my sister knows the truth that in my mom's eyes I am nothing more then a disappointment to her. I don't know why I am so hard on myself.

The only thing I know is I will never treat my child the same way I was treated all my life.

I was never accepted my mother, never accepted by my sister. And the only reason why my sister helped me by getting Chris and I back together is so I can be not there problem anymore. That truly hurts to say the least, but it's the truth. The truth is the truth, and there is no way in escaping it. I know this is the hardest thing in the world to admit. But maybe the only reason why my mother never could love me is because she has no room left in her heart anymore.