I Wish I Could Tell You

Hey Mom, I never told you this. I’m pregnant.

I was going to tell you weeks ago, but I was never able to. You were snatched from us far too soon. I remember the day like it was yesterday. You were coming over to my house, ready for a mom and daughter date. But you never arrived. I waited for hours, but you never showed. It wasn’t until the hospital called that I knew why you were late. Why you were never going to show.

I still can’t believe you’re gone. I feel like you’re still with me. I’m waiting for a visit or a phone call. You can’t be gone. My mom can’t be gone. I can’t go through the rest of my life without my mommy. My brain can’t process it, and I don’t want to process it. I can still feel your presence, sometimes I swear I hear your voice. I want you to be here, with me, forever. I refuse to believe you’re gone. I want to refuse to believe it… but the truth is staring at me with dark black eyes.

My therapist said to write you a letter. I feel stupid doing it. You’re gone, you’re never coming back. So why am I writing you a damn letter? You’re the one that abandoned me. You left, and you never bloody considered us. How could you? How could you just leave like this? I never got to tell you that you were going to be a Nana. I couldn’t wait to see your face. And now you’re gone? Just like that? How freaking dare you leave me! I want you back, you need to come back!

Please, just come back mom. I’ll do anything to see you again, even just one more time. I never believed in a higher power before, but if there is a God I’ll believe if He saves you! God, bring my mom back. Please. I will do anything. Absolutely anything. Anything.

I didn’t think I’d continue this letter. I thought maybe… just maybe you’d walk through my front door again. I don’t know why I thought that. I prayed and hoped that you would return. But all I’ve been met with is silence. You’re not coming back. You’re gone. There’s a pit inside my hard so deep it hurts. I don’t cry anymore. It’s like I’ve run out of tears. I just feel empty inside. I should be celebrating this new life I’m carrying, but all I can think about is you. You’d be so excited, so loving and caring. I need my mom while I go through this. But I don’t have you. I’ve never felt so alone, so empty.

It’s a girl, you know. I found out not too long ago. I’m going to name her after you. She deserves to have a strong name, a name that carries so much meaning. When I found out I was having a girl… it was almost like you were there with me, telling me it would be okay. I wish you were able to meet her, to spoil her and love her like you loved me. I don’t know how I’m going to be a mother without you. It feels wrong.

I love you mom. So very much. I miss you so much. I know you’re gone, that you’re not coming back. A part of me is still in denial, it’s hard to accept this new reality. I’ll try to keep moving forward for you and for my daughter. I’ll never stop missing you mommy.

I love you. I wish I could tell you about your granddaughter. Goodbye.