I Miss You

For 32 years you were my constant. You were the one I ran to when things were tough. Now I find myself all alone. There was not a day for 32 years that you were not there to love me and protect me. I miss your laughter, and I miss your smile. I miss your strength. The days come and go now. I fight everyday to get up, and not go back to sleep. It has been 3 years now when does it change. I did not get to mourn you the way I should have. Instead, the trials I was going through only made me ache for you more. I had to fight everything in me to go on.

Your grandkids will never know you the way I did. All they get are the stories that I tell. They will never know the person their mom gets her strength from. I miss you every day and every night. I was so angry when you passed, and still am. I was angry with you because you lied to me, you lied to everyone. You knew the cancer spread and it was no longer possible to be cured. You knew you were going to die, and you made us all believe you could be saved. As time went on, I realized I was not angry with you, I was angry with myself. I knew what it meant when you told me where it had spread, and I allowed myself to believe you. I was angry with myself because I did not do more. I should have visited more once I was not 1600 miles away any longer. I came when I could, and you felt up to it.

You fought hard, but it did not take long for the cancer to get you. We found out, and 1 year later you were gone. You spent your whole life fighting for us, taking care of us and none of us could help you. Yet, I found myself asking why you could not fight one more hour, day, week, month, or year. None of this felt fair to us. It has been 3 years now and I have made little peace. I know you were in pain, and you were tired. I know you stayed long enough for us all to come and say goodbye. You left us peacefully in your sleep. Yet selfishly I still want you here, I still need you here.

I find myself going in and out of moods. Somedays I am so incredibly happy with my life as I should be and others, I am just miserable. The grief process is so unbearable sometimes. People do not understand what I am going through unless they have gone through the same. I try so hard to push through and keep it off my mind, but it creeps back in when I least expect it. I know my kids deserve a better mom then I am most days now, but I try. Somedays I just do not want to be bothered. I know my husband deserves a better wife but somedays I just cannot do it.

The anxiety I feel now is beyond what I can take. I hate driving in the direction of where you lived, I cannot breathe. I cry for no reason, just because a song hits, or a video. I had to quit my job because I could not do it, I freaked out. I became physically sick thinking about having to tell someone or their family that their insurance would not cover something. I went back to school when you passed to follow my dreams finally, but even that is suffering.

I am sorry I could do more to fight for you. I am sorry I could not save you. I miss you more than I could ever say. The hole in my heart is not healing because you are no longer here. I love you to the moon and back sweet angel. I hope you are happy and healthy in Heaven. Until we meet again, I am just stuck missing you.