I'm Here.

I’m Here

“Levi?... Levi DON'T!”

“Shhh, I’m here.” Eden soothed as she lightly ran her

finger over Lollys forehead “Put that away. We don't

need it right now.” Lollys eyes moved back and forth

behind her eyelids a few times before opening and

darting around the room like she didn't know where

she was. “I’m here.” Eden repeated placing her hand

on her bestfriends.

Lolly smiled brightly when her eyes found Eden.

“Hi”

“Hi” It was getting harder to bring Lolly out of her

dreams, harder to keep her memories at bay and

even harder to keep her in the present. She needed

better help than Eden could offer. All she had to do

was convince Lolly of that.

“Was I dreaming again?”

Eden nodded. She pushed Lollys long blond hair out

of her face so she could look into her beautiful blue

eyes. Lollys classic beauty has been on a steady

decline over the past few weeks, the weeks leading to

the anniversary of her twin brother's death, ten year ago.

It got worse each year. This year was by far the

worst. She hadn't left the house in days, Not even to

go to work. Dark, almost black circles under eyes

made her fair skin look pale and fragile, her hair was

dull and heavy with oil from not being washed. She

hadn't showered in more than a week.

The normally clean apartment was filthy, a layer of

dust covered most surfaces. The counter and coffee

table were full of coffee cups and plated with half

eaten food on them. The sink was full, the fridge was

empty, dirty clothes littered the floor… Eden was

losing her best friend and didn't know how to fix it.

“Why do you look sad?” Lolly asked, rubbing the

sleep out of her eyes.

Eden forced a smile “Why don't you go have a

shower and I'll make you something to eat.” Eden

suggested. “Tomato soup?”

Lolly pushed herself to a sitting position. “I'm not

hungry.” She looked down at her phone, 3:30 she

must have fallen asleep watching television again.

Pushing aside the pile of blankets crowded around

her, Lolly got up, used the washroom, went to the

kitchen and returned to the livingroom with two

mugs of coffee. She set one on the table in front of Eden then curled up on the sofa once again. “What!”

she snapped when she noticed Eden staring at her.

“Lolly, you can't live on little bites of this shit.” She

held up the remnants of an old pizza pocket.

“Obviously not true since here I am alive and well.”

Lolly grinned

“Well you're alive, I'll give you that much.” Eden

said under her breath. Then decided on another

approach “What do you want to do today?”

“Nothing” Lolly said snuggling deeper into the

blankets as if trying to hide from the idea of leaving

the house.

“Come on Lol, It’ll be fun. We can go to the mall,

have dinner, maybe get our hair done.” Eden pulled

at a strand of bright red hair in her long black

ponytail. “I've been thinking of going all blue.”

Lolly made a face “That's a terrible idea. Why don't

you try those rainbow highlights everyone is getting.”

Edens face lit up. “You'll come then?”

Lollys head dropped back on the sofa and she closed

her eyes. Her pain showed clearly for a minute. She

hated disappointing Eden. She also knew she should

want to go. The same way she knew she should clean

her apartment, shower and maybe eat a few vegetables. Lolly knew Eden was right, this was no

way to live but just the thought of doing it exhausted

her. “Not today Eden, I'm just not up to it.”

“You haven't left the apartment in days Lolly. You

can't keep doing this.”

“Not today Eden!” Lolly said more firmly “You

know what today is.”

“I know what today is Lolly, It's a day I'll never

forget but do you really think Levi would want this

for you?”

“Levi was thirteen Eden, he didn't know what he

wanted.” Lolly fired at her. She closed her eyes and

took a deep breath. Then sat her coffee mug on te

table pushing aside a pile of dishes. A piece of stale

toast and peanut butter fell to the floor, she thought

of picking it up but didn't. “I'm sorry.” she

whispered “ but today isn't the day for shopping. You

go, have fun. Bring me back something good to eat…

No blue hair though ok.” She kissed Eden's head and

went to her room.

“I'm here.” Eden whispered cautiously in Lollys ear.

“Please come down from there Lolly.” Eden held her

breath as the semi conscious Lolly climbed over the

rail of their fourth floor apartment fire escape. She

didn't take another breath until Lollys feet were

firmly planted on the floor. “What are you doing up

there?”

Lolly let herself slide down the exterior wall of the

building until she was sitting on cold cement. She

pulled her legs up to her chest and rested her head on

her knees. “I don't know… He said something to me

before he jum… fell before he fell… he fell.

Eden pulled Lolly close, wrapped her arms, around

her body and rested her head on her best friends

while she cried. “Lol, I love you, you know that

right?” She waited until she felt Lollys head move up

and down. “ And you know I am here to help you

anytime you need me…” she waited again for the

nod. “Do you think maybe it's time, maybe to

talk to someone… someone who can help you better

then I can?”

Lolly lifted her head. She looked so hurt. “I'm not

crazy Eden” she said, not sounding very sure of

herself.

“Of course you're not.” Eden said, trying to reassure

Lolly. She took Lollys hand and held it tight “You are

not crazy but you have lived through a life altering

trauma. You have never talked about it to anyone.

Maybe it's time you did, Maybe it will help you move

forward.”

Lolly pulled her hand out of Edens and stood up

“I'm fine.”

Eden flinched at the sound of Lollys bedroom door

slamming.

Lolly sat on the floor in the corner of the kitchen.

Her legs were pulled up to her chest, her arms

wrapped tightly around them holding them in place,

her face was buried in her knees as she rocked back

and forth attempting to soothe herself. She looked up

at Eden with eyes raining a deluge of tears down her

pale cheeks. Her face held so much pain it sucked the

breath out of Eden.

“I’m here.” Eden said in a hoarse whisper. She sat

cross legged in front of Lolly and held her arms open.

Lolly accepted the invitation and curled up with her

head in Eden's lap.

Eden caressed her head until the tears stopped.

“What happened?’

One last sob escaped Lollys lips before she sat up,

wiped her nose on her sleeve and said “Mom and Dad showed up.” She said so quietly that Eden had to

strain to hear her. “They just showed up.” fresh tears

began to flow. “ All they wanted to do is talk about

Levi’s accident” she made finger quotes in the air as

she spoke the words. “ But Eden… It wasn't

really….”

“I know Lolly, I know.” Eden interrupted “Don't

think about it.” She traced her finger along Lollys

forehead “We don't need that right now.”

“They think I'm crazy Eden. They said if I can't get

myself together they will put me in the hospital.”

Eden didn't speak right away. She was trying to

decide if she should say what she knew was best or if

she should just agree with what she knew Lolly

wanted to hear. Agreeing would make her feel better

in this moment but really wouldn't help her in the

long run. “Lol,” she began almost changing her mind.

“Do you think they may be right?”

Lolly glared at her “How can you think that?”

“Let me finish,” Eden said, pulling Lolly back into

her embrace. “You are not crazy and I don't believe

you belong in the hospital but I do believe you would

benefit from talking to someone.”

Lolly was silent so long that Eden thought she had

fallen asleep. Something she did during stressful

times. But then she spoke “Okay”

Eden kissed the top of her head “Thank you. Did

your parents give you a number to call?”

Lolly nodded “Eden, Why is your room empty?”

The lights in the room dimmed making Edens heart

beat faster “Empty, what are you talking about? You

helped me decorate that room when we moved in.”

Lollys body relaxed. “Where did that come from?”

Lolly shook her head “It's not important.” She stood

“I think I'm going to bed.”

Eden watched Lolly leave feeling like she wasn't

being told something. Something important.

“ How’d it go?” Eden asked Lolly when she returned

from her first doctors appointment.

Lolly shrugged and set her keys and purse on the

table. “I got drugs.” she said holding up a small white

bag.

“That's always fun.” Eden forced a smile trying to

push away the feeling of impending doom she had

been feeling all day. “How'd everything else go?”

“Not much else happened this time.” Lolly said and

poured two coffees. Eden followed her into the now

spotless living room, courtesy of Lollys parents. They

had forced her to have a shower and cleaned while

she washed. “It was a get to know you meeting this

time. He wants to see me twice a week” She trailed

off as she looked down into the steaming brown

liquid in her mug.

“What?”

She shook her head “I think Mom and Dad talk to

him before me.”

“Well they probably did.”

Lolly sipped her coffee then looked at Eden. She

was about to speak when her eyes fell on the full mug

on the coffee table in front of her friend. ( Why do you

have so many full cups of coffee all over the place?)

Her mother's voice echoed in her head. “He knew all

about Levi… He knew all about you” (I don't

remember a friend named Eden… How can you not

remember the best friend I ever had since i was just

little Mom).

“About me? What's to know about me?” Eden

asked surprised that with all the problems Lolly had

since Levi died that her doctor wanted to talk about

her. “What about me?”

He knew that you were my best friend, that you help

me through my ...episodes… Why don't you ever

drink the coffee I pour for you?”

The lights flickered. Eden looked at the ceiling in

response and realized it was on. She looked at the

window, A shadow passing. It must have been.

“You're being a little weird Lol. I thought you'd need

a mug when you got home So I made a pot. I had one

while I waited. “ Eden leaned closer to her and took

her hand “Have I done something to upset you Lolly?

I don't understand.”

“What, No.” Lolly said and squeezed her hand like

she never wanted to let go. “I'm sorry, It's not you.

Mom and Dad just have my head all scrambled. It's

been a long day. I think i'm going to have a nap.”

Eden watched her go once again feeling like Lolly

was holding back some important information.. The

feeling of impending doom was growing with each

day.

“Wow, You look great!” Eden said genuinely happy

to see a smile on Lollys face.

“Thank you” Lolly said and did a little twirl “It's

new” she pointed to her sweater.

“You went shopping? I love it” Eden hugged her

tight. It was good. She was happy that Lolly was

getting back to normal. She hated that her thought

felt fake. “How about you and I get some snacks,

settle in and watch a movie tonight.”

Lollys smile faltered “ I can't, I'm sorry. I made

plans with some people from work.” She looked truly

upset. “I can cancel…”

“Don't you dare.”

“You could come.”

“Nope. You go have a nice night out with your

friends.” Eden was so proud of Lollys' progress over

the past few months but she couldn't help the stab of

jealousy she was feeling at being left out. I'll wait up,

you can tell me all about it when you get home

tonight.” Eden put on some music and turned it up as

loud as it would go. Then helped Lolly get ready for

her night out. It was the most fun they had since…

Eden tried to think about the last time they had fun

but most of their friendship really revolved around

Levi… She barely noticed the lights dim again and

she didn't care at that moment because Lolly was

laughing and dancing and happy for the first time in

forever. Eden was filled with joy.

Lolly stumbled into the house around 1:30 in the

morning. Eden was curled up in the couch, She

laughed when Lolly danced in circles then did a cha

cha move. “Looks like you had a good time.” Still

smiling, Lolly danced to the tv, turned it off then

went to her room. She didn't even look at her. Eden

felt her eyes fill with tears. It was dark, Eden told

herself she probably just didn't see her… but the

room was silent. The volume on the TV was turned

down, how did she not hear her.. And how can the

goddamn lights blink in the dark!”

“I'm here.” Eden brushed the sweat soaked hair out

of Lollys face. “Put it away, we don't need that right

now.”

“No I do need it.” Lolly said, still a little drunk. “I

could almost hear him… what does he say Eden,

what does he tell me?” she sobbed

“Shhh” Eden soothed and watched Lolly fall back to

sleep.

“Good morning” Eden said When Lolly rushed into

the kitchen “How do you feel?”Lolly poured herself a coffee, took a sip. Then

grabbed a banana from the bunch on the counter.

Eden stepped closer to her and said “Lolly!” a little

louder than she intended.

Lolly startled “God, I didn't see you come in.”

The lights dimmed.

Eden stepped back in confusion. “I've been here the

whole time trying to talk to you.” she said, filling with

anxiety.

“I'm late for my appointment. Can we talk

tonight?” Lolly kissed her hand and blew it in Edens

direction.

The lights dimmed again. Only this time Eden knew

it wasn't the light that was going out, it was her.Long

forgotten memories pulled at the back of her mind.

Lolly stood at the big window in Dr Allen's office

watching the people walking on the street outside.

The blinds were usually closed for privacy but Lolly

didn't care if people knew she was here. She was

truly feeling better.. Good and that's what mattered.

The door opened. “Good morning Lolly. How are

you doing today?” Dr Allen asked as he closed the

door behind him. He motioned toward the thick

pillowed sofa.

“I'm good Doctor, how are you?”

Dr Allen took his seat and scanned a file before

looking back at Lolly. “We have spoken a great deal

about your parents and about Eden. Let's try a new

topic today.”

Lollys body tensed. She knew what he wanted to

talk about but she didn't need that.

The lights in the apartment dimmed, almost black,

then grew so bright that Eden had to close her eyes.

When she opened them again she was no longer in

the kitchen “What the hell? Where am I?” Then she

heard Lollys voice and saw her sitting on a large

brown sofa across from Dr Allen. That's when those

memories that had been poking at her mind began to

return. It had been so long Eden had forgotten why

she was here…

This is why, this exact moment is the only reason she

was here.

“Maybe next time Doctor.” She said calmly even

though her heart beat madly in her chest. This

statement had worked each time he brought it up

before. “Something is up with Eden, she has been

acting weird.”

Dr Allen nodded his understanding but remained

firm. “We can talk about that next time. Today, let's

talk about Levi. Tell me about his accident.”

Lollys eyes filled with tears. She looked everywhere

except at the Doctor as she tried unsuccessfully to

trap then behind her eyelids. “It wasn't… Eden?

What are you doing here?” She looked at the doctor

“Did you invite her here?”

“Did I ask who to be here?” The Doctor asked

curiously

“Eden”

“Lolly, it's just you and I here”

Lolly laughed nervously and looked at Eden. Eden

just sat next to her holding her hand.

“It's time Lolly” Eden said softly “ I'm here”

“I don't want to Eden, I don't need it.” Lollys tears

broke loose and rolled silently down her cheeks.

“Then let's get rid of it. Give it to the Dr.” Eden

said softly and squeeze her hand “I'm here”

Lolly nodded silently and looked at the Dr. She

took a deep breath “Levi was always so unhappy. It

didn't matter what we did or said… I mean he wasalways the center of attention. The whole house

revolved around making Levi feel loved and needed.

Dot get me wrong Dr I wasn't resentful or jealous.

Levi wasn't a happy person most of the time but

when he was..” Lolly paused and a sad smile curved

her lips ”When he was happy, boy he was a

beacon.” she sucked back a sob. “ The day Levi…”

She couldn't say the word so she just skipped it. “My

friend chloe was having a sleepover and I wanted to

go but Mom and Dad had another special night

planned for Levi and I had to be there for it.” She

stopped again but Eden squeezed her hand and

nodded for her to go on. “I had a tantrum. I stomped

up the stairs to my room, yelling about how unfair it

all was. Not long after Levi came in. I was sitting at

my desk, he sat on the corner of my bed. He was

crying again, telling me how sorry he was.” Her lungs

stopped working for a second and she couldn't catch

her breath.

“You're okay. Just take a deep breath.” The Dr

encouraged.

Eden wrapped her arms around Lollys shoulder.

With her free hand she gently caressed Lollys

forehead “Shh Lollipop. Just breath. Everything is

going to be okay.” Lolly looked at Eden closely. Levi

was the only one who ever called her Lollipop and

only when he was happy.. “Keep going”

Lolly stared at Eden for a few more minutes.

Something wasn't right. She looked back at the

Doctor and continued. “He was crying, telling me he

didn't care if I went to the party… I wasn't mad at

him. I knew he was genuine . He really didn't care if I

went to the party. He probably would have enjoyed

the alone time with Mom and Dad… But…”

“You were still mad.” Dr Allen said a bit worried

about what was happening. “What did you say?”

Lolly sobbed “I asked him if he ever got tired of

crying and being sad. I regretted it the minute I saw

his face in my mirror. So broken.”

“Did he answer?”

Lolly nodded “He just said Yes. Then he left. It was

only a couple seconds before I followed him.. His

bedroom window was open. On hot nights we used to

climb out on the roof and watch the stars.” the

memory made her smile. “Mom hated it when we

went out there. She was always afraid we’d fall.”

Lolly leaned forward and pressed her palms to her

eyes. “I planned on climbing out there and telling

him I was sorry… By the time I reached the window

he was already standing on the edge of the roof

looking down at the driveway.” Lost in the memory

now Lolly spoke as if it was just happening “Levi,

what are you doing? Come inside I want to talk to

you.. Please Levi come away from there. I love you…

He was so close to the edge that he almost did slip.”

she said returning to the present. “God he looked so

tortured. He looked me in the eyes and smiled. “I'll

wait for you in Eden. Then he let himself fall off the

roof. I swear I saw his leg ben as he pushed himself

off…

A sudden understanding descended on Lolly. Her

back stiffened as she looked at Eden. Eden smiled at

her in spite of the tears that rolled down her cheeks.

“I'm here Lollipop.” She said and placed her hand

over Lollys heart. I'll always be here.” She kissed

Lolly on the forehead and disappeared

Lolly didn't think she had anymore tears to cry but

more fell as she searched the room for her best

friend.

“Lolly, what's happening?” Dr Allen asked

“Edens gone… She's gone.” she could feel the panic

rising in her stomach . “What will I do without her”

“That's okay Lolly. You don't need her anymore.

Everything is going to be okay.