I Drank Alcohol For The First Time Since I Was 4

Honestly, I am unsure of how to start this article. This is one I never thought I would write, nor did I think I would ever share. Please be kind in your responses and if you feel as if you want to share; please do!! There is so much beauty in sharing your story! Each story is beautiful.

Short back story.

As a young child, I was around alcohol continuously. For the first few years of my life, I grew up with an alcoholic mother who could care less about my wellbeing. She would often give me alcohol and even cigarettes just because. I will never know her reasoning. At the age of 4, I would steal alcohol from my mother’s boyfriend and do my best to avoid getting injured. A dangerous game for sure.

How did this impact me?

As some may know, being around alcoholics at a young age can be detrimental to development. Along with other things that come with the abuse of alcohol.

Over the years, I have had a significant fear of alcohol in all aspects. The smell would often bring me back to the scariest times of my life. I could not sit with people who were drinking and if I tried, I would be so panicked, I wouldn’t be able to focus. This created a fear of being around alcohol of any kind. The fear of what could happen and what has happened. Through this fear, I had decided to never drink.

What changed my mind?

Over the years I have been going through many memories and sorting out my feelings. The most recent of which was conquering my feelings toward alcohol. To be honest, I am still a very fearful person. As I work through my fears I have come to the point where I am increasingly more frustrated with my fear. Over some time, I made the hard decision to give it a try.

Oh no! What did I just do?

Trust me! It was not as bad as this title! I got home and ordered myself a pizza, and I grabbed my wine from Wegmans. As I watched YouTube drinking my wine, it occurred to me that I felt perfectly safe in my body. My mind was clear and I was enjoying myself as I sat pondering my decisions in life. The problem came as I went to stand up; my mind was clear but my body was disconnected. I stumbled a bit and just continued to walk. Walking it off worked! After a massive headache and a well-needed nap, I felt great!

Now, a few days later I decided to try beer. I bought the brilliant Hersheys Chocolate beer from Yuengling. Let’s just say it was not as pleasant as it sounded. Either way, I drank it and felt fine. I had no issues. After I finished, I sat and examined my emotions. Nothing came up. Amazed at my nonexistent emotion, I continued to dig into what caused my apprehension. It turned out that my fear caused me to abandon something I never thought I would enjoy. I got to put beer in a box of good experiences instead of the fear-induced box of terrifying nightmares. In this case, my emotions were bigger than the world around me.

What now?

As I enjoy my newfound enjoyment of alcohol, I do need to set up boundaries for myself. Here are the two rules I have for my safety.

1) I will only have one drink.

2) I will not drink to cope. (no drinking when upset, Etc)

I will continue to in a safe environment and mindset with these in mind. I am extremely proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and creating new experiences not based on fear.

This may not be as easy for everyone but I hope you try and see past your big emotions with compassion. Be compassionate towards your fears and walk along with them to create new safe experiences.

With love, I hope you appreciate this part of my story. Please be kind and feel free to share your story :)