I didn't speak at your funeral

To the mom who wasn’t mine but loved me all the same.

I didn’t get up and speak at your funeral because it wasn’t my space. They invited anyone to talk to you-but you know I’m not just anyone and that I HATE funerals. For me, it’s so much easier to just write down what I would have said, because writing can only be taken at the word- and governed by the punctuation used to emphasis it. In speaking, 60-93% of the communication is nonverbal, and my nonverbal side doesn’t communicate well. I didn’t speak cause funerals are for closure, and I am hardly ready to close our relationship. I didn’t speak because I didn’t show up for you and I know you’re ok with that. I hate funerals- and I know you called it a celebration of life, but to me it’s just rebranding.

If I had spoken, I would have had to speak about the first time I called you “mom”. I had never given anyone that title, other than the woman that birthed me. She is amazing- but let’s be honest, she has never really seen me. In high school I felt like you saw how desperate I was for some adult to see me and be ok with the real me. So, I dubbed you “mom”, the word awkward in my mouth. You just flashed that world brightening smile, continuing in your ever consistent way. I would have had to mention the scarring moment when you caught DJ and I making out in my bra. As you casually ended your conversation with, “and Maili, put back on your shirt.” I died. I thought for sure you would hate me after that moment. That I would have to put in extra effort to be loved. I was wrong. You never even mentioned it, just continued to be the mom who wasn’t mine, but loved me. If I had spoken, I would have apologized for eating all the boxed mac and cheese. We didn’t get yummy garbage food like that at my house. I still love it to this day. And I still don’t like to make it myself, where is DJ when I need him. I would have tried to express the number of times that your hug meant everything. I would have tried to thank you for raising your son-in my opinion a twin flame- who got me through high school alive. NO JOKE. When my husband said he wanted a son named after him, a Devan. I knew right away that however we worked it, I wanted to call him DJ then. I would have thanked you for the night on the couch when I was too exhausted to drive home. I’d have also had to apologize for pretending to be asleep, I heard the phone conversation you had with my mom, half asleep on your couch. I was too exhausted to drive, but also, I desperately needed a place that night where things didn’t feel so hopelessly broken. Id mention Cassie, and DJ's graduation, and 100 small little flits of memories I have. I’d have thanked you for not changing in how you loved me, when DJ and I had the awkward moment of moving from together, to friends with benefits… to friends… to not talking. And I’d apologize, cause the not talking bit was on me. (I'm not good at talking).

I would like to tell them about how I met up with you, after my first divorce. And in a world where I felt there wasn’t space for me to belong, there you were again, loving me without expectation. If I had spoken, I would have tried to explain and then try to apologize how I wasn’t there for him when he had been in his accident. A twin flame. I’d have tried and failed to vocalize that I had my parallel spiral into the depths at the same time. But I didn’t roll a car, I landed myself in a nut house, literally. I know you didn’t understand why I disappeared all those years, only to reappear for a random lunch date just before covid to show you how good I was doing. See mom, I couldn’t (and still can’t some days) vocalize what happened, but see, I’m ok now. You, consistent as always, just told me how much you loved me and how awesome life was. Consistent. Meanwhile I moved, again, and my life got swallowed up in the crazy.

What I would have said would have been bitter and angry. Angry at myself for not following up sooner after Christmas when we last spoke. Angry at you, because you made it seem like you were just a hair away from beating your cancer, nothing to stress. I’d have brought my kids up for you to meet. How mad I am that I don’t have a single photo of us together- But saying that wouldn’t matter because it can’t affect change.

So, I didn’t speak. I held DJ’s hand after, I think more because I needed it than he did. I tried to get to know Serena without intruding on their family moment. I adore her, but I’m sure you knew that I would. I’d tell you now that I’ll take care of them, but let’s be honest, I’m still crazy and can hardly manage myself most days. I think they have more of a handle on it than I do. But I’ll try to be more present for them, how I should have been. SO… I’m sorry I didn’t speak, but it wasn’t my space. At least this way, you know what I would have said.