I Am Aunt Meghan

It was around 2014, things got very stressful for me. My family and I recently moved from an apartment to a house. My sister just met a guy(before he became my brother-in-law) since she moved in after her college graduation. I have completed and just passed those chaotic classes that drained me. I was worried that if I didn't pass my semester after I failed a midterm exam from that brutal class I ever had in my life. I had to take many appointments from speech therapy to help my language disorder to have better communication and expression in the future. I also had been prepared to do my final year at my second college. There are even more stressful classes before my graduation. Until one day, it was a big surprise out of nowhere. My sister just texted me. I am going to be an aunt (SHE’S PREGNANT!) I was speechless, shocked, and confused. I was so nervous if I wasn't gonna be a good aunt because of my mental health struggles. I'm also prepared as best as I can before the baby is born- suddenly, it's a girl. I was looking forward to having my first niece. When I was watching my sister getting an ultrasound the first time, I couldn't stop looking at my unborn niece, moving around, from the screen of a sonogram. When I was listening to my niece’s heartbeat, it was breathtaking. My family and I tried to get prepared for changing diapers, setting up the strollers, the playsets, finding lovely clothes, finding the right toys for my niece, and finding many ways to help her learn and grow.

On mid-February 2015 - my niece, Adrianna Grace, was born at sunrise. She is so lovely like a little doll. By the time my mom and I got in the room, my sister was on the bed and holding her newborn baby girl. We watched my niece taking her first bath, holding her, and watching her all day. When I was holding her the first time, I smiled at her. I tried to say hi to her, I was a bit nervous but I did. I couldn't be happier. By the time it was my 27th birthday, my aunt, my sister, and I took my niece(two months old) to the photo studio for her baby portraits. During the studio session when the photographer took some good shots of her, I felt my heart deeply how I should be grateful even more. It was the biggest moment that changed my life. Every day and every month I look at her, talk to her, and play with her. I bought many important but very educational books. I also read several good books to Adrianna, especially when she was over a week old after her birth. For months and even a few years with Adrianna, it had gone through many ups and downs. I know it has also been an intense emotional roller coaster(like happy times to stressful times) because I'm a first-time aunt, my sister is a first-time mom, my parents are first-time grandparents, and my brother is a first-time uncle. When Adrianna smiles and giggles, we couldn't lay our eyes on her. Every time I came over to my sister’s house, Adrianna just turned, looked at me, and smiled from her sweet face. I also helped her learn how to say some words like “momma”, ”cat”, and “hi”.

Around 2017, Adrianna was two years old. She took some ballet lessons, but she mostly enjoys gymnastics. Until July, my sister invited my dad and me for dinner. During that, we found two pieces under the plate, something a bit surprising- my sister’s having another baby! A few weeks later, we finally noticed that it's a boy. My niece is going to have a little brother. My family and I were looking forward to Adrianna becoming a good big sister. Somewhere in the later summer or early fall season, I went out with my sister and Adrianna to see the ultrasound of my unborn nephew. I couldn't stop watching him, like deja vu. That Fall season, my dad and I just moved into a much better house with an amazing yard for the kids. After the holidays, but even around January, it was very overwhelming. I have to keep watching my niece while each of my parents is helping my sister and her pregnancy. By the time my sister’s mucus plug was out, I knew it was coming. It has been at least two or three days before my sister was about to give birth.

On mid-January 2018, around midnight, my nephew, Ryker Roland, was born. He is adorable. When I was holding him, he looked so precious just like Adrianna. For months, it turned many ups and downs between two little ones while my family and I are still having our issues. For me, after Adrianna was born, I put on so much weight, even during my most stressful final college years. It's like I'm back in middle school to the early twenty-year-old bodyweight that I wasn't happy about myself. While I babysit them so much, not doing much care of myself and my body. Later in Summer 2018, my sister had officially started her barre fitness business. While Adrianna has started to do preschool, my sister was working as instructed with her clients, my dad has so many cases and trials, I was the only one who babysits Ryker the whole day, even sometimes evening along with Adrianna. It was very challenging, year's by, the kids are still having a hard time sharing. It reminded me of when my siblings and I were little. During that, when I was watching with Ryker, he just smiled at me, drooling and cooing. By the time I joined my sister’s barre studio, I did as many exercises as I could and things I should eat for my body due to stress and hormones since I'm already in my 30s. The food is still frustrating to me, especially the calories and carbs. From 2015 to 2020, The worst thing that has happened to me, while I was babysitting one of them or both, things had gotten very stressful for me. I took therapy every week. I took a psychiatrist every 4-6 months. I know I haven't gotten as much help as I thought because I have been stigmatized for decades. During babysitting, I have had sensory overload and overstimulation issues(screaming and over-multitasking) due to my intense symptoms since I was young. Everyone believes it was just anxiety and depression-but, it's not. Around 2018-2019, I knew something was wrong. I have to get more help until I was diagnosed recently with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder(PMDD), which it's over a year ago. I'm glad I have to get help right away, especially by the time before the COVID-19 starts.

I know it was a big roller coaster for six to three and a half years. But, I couldn't stop loving them. The kids adored me deeply. I could imagine how much I have been so grateful to them. I am so proud of them and how much they have grown into beautiful and smart children they can be. They love to play. They love to go out and explore and adventure. They love playing in the backyard, going out to the park, exploring at the museums, learning new things like from school or from the house that my family and I have been taught many important things like ABCs, colors, puzzles, numbers, animals, and nature. I am so grateful that I'm their role model and I will always love them every day and night. I am Aunt Meghan.