I Am a Single Mom

I never wanted to be a mother. Ever. That was not part of my life plan, and I had no intentions of changing that. This decision was for a few reasons, all based in fear: primarily, I really did think I would be awful at parenting a child. My evidence? I could barely take care of myself, I had no energy whatsoever, and I struggled profoundly with mental health. I had also developed an eating disorder from a young age, and that didn't seem to be getting much better despite years of trying to recover. What would having a child do to my body? Would I even be able to control my behaviors enough to deliver a healthy child? Even if I eventually got better, what if I relapsed because of all the weight I would gain from pregnancy? I also was--selfishly, I admit--worried about my career. I am an actor, singer, dancer, and choreographer, and I was terrified that I would be out of commission for quite some time if I ever had a child.

It is also important to mention that I have had a horrible history with men. I almost got married when I was 20 years old. It was a very complicated and personal decision, but I ended the relationship. On the very same day that I broke up with the only person I felt like I had ever truly loved and had ever really loved me, I was sexually assaulted by someone I was working with. Cue my never-ending choice of horrible people to date, increase in self-loathing, an inability to sustain any kind of healthy relationship, and constant emotional and sexual abuse.

Keeping all of this in mind, and the fact that I grew up in a community where premarital sex was an absolute no-go, you can imagine my reaction when I found out I was pregnant in January of 2020. I was just about to break up with the guy I was dating (because I felt like all he ever wanted was to watch TV and have sex) when I found out. I waited a week or so to get the official test from the doctor, after which I called him (the father) up, told him I was pregnant, and ended the relationship. His response to the pregnancy announcement was to "make sure I knew all my options," meaning I felt like he expected me to have an abortion.

Abortion was my first thought as well, but I didn't want to do anything rash in this situation. I thought about it for a while, and decided I would carry to term. I still hadn't decided whether I would keep the baby or give it up for adoption. I just couldn't picture myself as a mom. However, I did not want to risk damaging the life of another, so I went to a treatment center part-time to help manage my eating disorder while I was pregnant. I had been there a couple times before, so I knew the environment well, and I also knew that I wouldn't be able to keep the eating schedule needed during pregnancy on my own. That turned out to be a very smart decision.

During one of the classes at the treatment center, the instructor asked us to picture our future lives. As this was an exercise I'd done often in therapy sessions, I didn't expect much to come of it; but then, it just happened. I pictured myself holding a baby, throwing it up in the air, taking it to Disneyland! In that moment I knew: I was going to be a mother. It was still terrifying, but for the first time, I actually put aside all those fears from before and focused on who I really wanted to be.

There were still many, many breakdowns that happened during my pregnancy--including, but not limited to, both when I found out the baby was a boy (boys had done me a lot of harm), and when I realized my father was right in telling me that some men still want nothing but to hook up or fool around, even if the woman is seven months pregnant, huge, and in constant pain/discomfort.

Despite the breakdowns and the father of my child deciding he didn't want to be involved at all in the baby's life, I needed to figure out a way to celebrate the fact that I was making this choice. I was making this choice by myself and for myself. I wanted to be proud, instead of ashamed, of who I was. I was an unmarried, unattached, very pregnant woman. I ended up having maternity pictures taken and asking some friends if they could help throw a baby shower. When I saw my pictures, that was the first time I saw myself as beautiful in a very long time. I was also shocked and so very grateful for all the support I received both from family and friends; I could never have done it without them. I bonded with my mother and with a couple of my aunts in ways I had never been able to before, which was a real blessing.

My son was born on October 7, 2020. The contractions and labor and all that could be a whole other story, but I will just say that I did it without an epidural, which me feel like a boss. I named him Evander, which means "good man" in Greek. He is the happiest, sweetest, most wonderful little boy I could ever ask for. Although things aren't always easy, we make up our own little family, and I wouldn't change that for the world. Thank you to everyone who supported my decision to put fear aside and be who I needed to be because, when it comes down to it: I am a single mom.