hush little baby happy meals

It’s a waiting game I play. I wait for my brother and sister to give up on our battle of guess the object and fall asleep, I wait to see the lights shut off from the crack under the door so I know mom’s gone to bed, and then I wait for dad’s car lights- and this is the trickiest part.

I did a project on barn owls for school last week, and now there’s one that comes to see me in my dreams at night. I know he’ll be waiting for me but I'm on a mission. I keep quiet to army crawl to the end of the bed where the window is and draw the blinds up just enough to sit underneath it without shining light into the room. Sometimes there’re false alarms, but I’ve become good at knowing it’s dad driving.

The game isn’t over when I see his car though. We live on the 11th floor and the garage is massive so it takes a long time for him to get up to us. But this is what I need because it gives me time to creep out of our room, into the hall, and wait at the door so he knows I was looking out and waiting for him, and it’s a surprise.

He doesn't usually see me at first, but it’s dark because I leave the lights off to stay under the radar. He's shaky too at night and he blinks very slowly. I hear the older people say that it’s the booze messing with his brain. His brain seems fine to me, and he smiles so big I know he’s happy, happy to see me.

We go to the kitchen and he puts me down on the counter where I usually climb up to get our bowls for breakfast, and then he always goes into the fridge.

Today we’re having whip cream, straight from the can.

He’s going back into the fridge now and sees the blackberries. He makes this sound and I couldn’t tell if it came from his nose or his mouth, but then I see his eyebrows go straight and I know he isn’t happy anymore. It’s a whole carton but he throws it right into the dustbin and says he doesn't know why my mother does things like this. He’s shaking his head back and forth, and now I’m scared. But he looks up at me and the smile comes back, and my smile comes back. He says he’s allergic to the berries, just the black ones, like his dad was too. Maybe I haven’t grown up enough to have the allergy yet, but I should never eat them again.

Now it’s time for bed, but it’s still nighttime so my friend will be up too. I must have fallen asleep right away because all of a sudden I’m with the owl, and he is ready to go flying. We visit every place in the world together, except Antarctica. It’s my second favorite thing.

My mom always comes in and wakes us up when it’s at the good part of the dream but it’s okay because it’s dad’s day to drive us to school, and he’s picking just me up today too since my brother and sister have dentist appointments.

We rush for everything- to get dressed, brush our teeth, get our breakfast, but it’s always like this when mom has to get to work early. We get to pour our own cereal though, and she's too busy to say no to Lucky Charms. She leaves before we’re done, but never before telling us to make sure we’re on time and to make sure dad wakes up. We always sneak in an episode of Fievel Goes West but my sister, she’s older by two years and thinks she’s in charge when mom’s gone, makes us get our things together at the end, and get dad up. The room is full of his warm smell in the mornings, and jumping on him always works to get him out of bed.

It's fun when we're riding in the black car. It's huge with only two doors and we call it the Oldsmobile. Sometimes it stops in the middle of the road like today, but dad always knows what to do. He tells us to wait in the car, he's going to look under the hood. It's like we're in one of those movies, and it's always a good reason for why we're late.

He's there for a little bit, closes it up, and I watch him walk over to the trunk. I turn back to look under the little window between where I can see through. He wipes his hands, and grabs two bottles of beer. He's back in the car now and asks me to grab the opener from the glove compartment, he tells us it helps daddy drive, and I think it’s exciting to be his co-pilot.

***

More projects are being presented today at school. It makes things easy because all I have to do is listen, and mostly I just look out the window and think about whatever I want, like what I’ll do with the owl tonight, and where we’ll go. Lunch is good today too; mom has been sending us Lunchables a lot this grade, and I know my friends wish they were that lucky. After lunch is okay, but then I just can’t wait for dad.

He’s running late so I get to stay behind and help my teacher put things away. The room feels so much bigger with just me in it. I get to go into her crayon cupboard, and there are so many more things in there than I could’ve imagined before, it really is a good day. The teacher keeps looking at me like my mom looks at us sometimes where she’s smiling but her eyes look like she's going to cry. She gives me one of those cookies from the blue tin, the ones with different shapes and you get to pick which you like, I always go for the one with the sugar crystals. I know by the time I’m done dad will be here, so I go slowly to make it last.

Me and my teacher are sitting on the steps outside and my mom’s car pulls up to the front of school. It’s like she spent the whole day worrying or something, because she’s still the same as in the morning so I know there’s no point in asking why she’s here or saying anything at all. The ride home I look out the window and listen to the radio.

When we get home my brother and sister are watching Talespin so I run in. I jump before I sit down though because the door to mom and dad’s room slams. My sister tells me to just sit down and passes me the grapes. It’s hard to concentrate with all the yelling, but it’s good to have all the space this time since we don’t have to be locked in the closet away from the noise and things breaking, so we decide to play the sliding game- you keep your socks on, run from the carpet part to the hallway floor where it’s tiles and you can slide. We see who can get the farthest. It’s my turn, and I have to beat my brother. I can’t stop, and I’m so scared because I know we’ll be in trouble if I hit the door. I don’t remember it hurting but I see my dad standing over me, and I’ve never seen him look so scared. The next thing I’m in our bathtub and there’s blood spraying everywhere.

I have to go to the hospital to get stitches. It’s pretty scary but my dad promises we can get McDonalds on the way home. The doctor tells my dad he wants to keep me overnight to make sure my head’s okay. I think it’s a good thing it’s my dad who brought me since he’s used to sleeping in chairs already like at home. My eyes are starting to get heavy and the last thing I see is my dad leaving the room.

I can tell the owl isn’t as excited as usual for our adventures. We go flying and he keeps on with this hissing sound, scaring things around us. My head is hurt in the dream too so it’s hard to keep up, and he’s so far away from me. The daytime comes quickly in the dream and I know it’s time to wake up. I can hear my dad snoring loud but it’s so strange to not be in my bed. The doctor comes in to take out the needle in my hand, and says we’re good to go. He asks my dad to talk outside. I see them through the blinds and then my dad starts talking angry loud like he does at home. He comes back in quickly and says it's time to leave and to get my stuff. He tells me the doctor should mind his own business, and let's blow this popsicle stand, we have nuggets and fries waiting for us.

I’m having a great day, I get to miss school too, which means I can pick whatever I want to watch when we get home. Except my mom is there when we get back. She gives me one of those big hugs that makes it hard to breathe, and asks me to play in our room, which means no tv.

It’s weird because I don’t hear any screaming, but after a while I hear them at the door so I come out of the room. Mom’s crying, pushing him out, they're right in each other's faces so I run in between, I don’t want it to be like this all the time. It’s hard to see because my tears are getting in the way but then I hear the door slam closed and he’s gone. She hugs me again, but now all I really want is to be back in my room so I can go to the window to look for his car coming out of the garage.

I lay on my bed for a while and it feels like the next minute my brother and sister burst in. We talk about what it was like at the hospital, and everything that happened in between. My mom calls for us, it’s time to get the table set to eat, but I’m not hungry. I just want to know when dad is coming back, it’s Tuesday, and it’s his day off so he’s supposed to be home for dinner.

Everything’s so quiet. Except the phone keeps ringing, but my mom won’t answer, she's just sitting there staring with tears falling down her face and I think she's feeling sorry for herself, but she got what she wanted, she's the one that sent him away.

We sit down to watch a show afterwards and then there’re these loud bangs on the door. It’s so hard you can hear it shaking. It’s dad; I can hear him yelling that he wants to see us so we run to the door. Mom is faster though and she gets in the way. She tells us to go to the room and close the door. My brother’s really sad so my sister pulls him away and does what mom says, but I’m not listening this time, I just want us to do dinner over like it’s supposed to be. Mom yells at me so loud my ears hurt, and then she pulls me back hard by my t-shirt so I run to the room. We just sit there and stare at each other; all of our faces are wet.

Then there’s a knock on the door for our bedroom, and it’s weird, mom and dad never knock so now we’re really scared. A police officer comes in. She asks us to come out to the hall and give our mom a hug. We get up right away and do what she says. There are more police officers in the hall when we come out; we’re never allowed to have our shoes on in the house like they do. My mom’s face looks long.

The police officers ask us about how we’re feeling and if we’re scared, and my brother nods yes, but I say no and I want to know where my dad is and that I want to see him. One of them says we’ll see him soon and then asks if there are any tricks we know or any toys we like and want to show them, we can each choose one. I hear one of the other officers ask my mom about my head, but I say she wasn't there when it actually happened or at the hospital, she doesn't know, and it wasn't my fault, it was an accident. They’re kind of nice about it, but it feels hard to swallow.

I won’t see the owl tonight; I just want to wait up for dad. He doesn’t come back though- the night after, or the one after that. I still stay up after my brother and sister fall asleep, and sneak out down the hall to the tv room where my mom can’t see me, and I watch whatever she has on. I don’t like her shows, and I wish I can change the channel, she isn’t watching it anyways, she’s always just crying.

Nothing is fun anymore. My brother is more annoying, my sister acts like she’s my parent, and my mom wants us to just do what she says. She says we're not allowed to see my dad, we need to stay away from him unless we want to be taken away. They make us talk to this lady at school, Mrs. Omar because it’s supposed to help. She has a quiet voice, but she asks too many questions that I don’t want to answer, and it makes me feel like one of the kids with problems because everyone else doesn’t have to do this.

It’s lunch recess at school and I see him. He’s walking over to me from the parking lot and all I can think of is ‘run.’ It feels like a million nights waiting up at the door for him all in one. He hugs me and smells my neck, brushes the hair out of my face and says how much he’s missed me. He puts me down and kneels down too, but we’re going to have to hurry if he’s going to take me away with him now, before the hall monitor sees so we can escape. But then he asks me how mom is and if she’s been okay, and he’s crying. Then I remember that barn owls mate for life.