Humming birds and daffodils

I got my first tattoo when I was fourteen years old.

I had my fathers name written in scripture on my neck in a friends basement. “Tony” was always going to be my first- ever since I had thought about tattoos- ever since I experienced pain. I decided to put it on my neck because he is always in between my heart and my head.

My father died when I was eight years old from brain cancer. I watched him battle and deteriorate. I saw it all. The doctor apps, seizures, surgeries, chemotherapy side effects, you name it- I saw it all.

I lost myself when I lost him. My depression started so young that I have just a few memories of true happiness (in the days when he was healthy).

My father and mother met when my mother was in high school. They were married as soon as she was legally allowed to. They were the love story you hear about- those ones that are so rare.

My parents raised us in the small town of Alberton, Ontario. We were raised on 27 acres and we were so blessed to have what almost people would say was a perfect life.

We had so many different animals growing up that I would have a hard time listing them. Dogs, cats, ducks, rabbits, birds, a Canadian goose (to name a few). We helped rescues and we all had a soft spot for animals. One of my favourite animals growing up was the humming bird. I knew how special it was to see them- how fast their wings would fly. The amazing colours on these birds is just unbelievable- they shimmer in the sunlight and they’re more like a mystical, magical creature (if you ask me). I remember filling up the hummingbird feeders with the special sugar water, hanging them, and waiting to see these magical birds appear for a sweet treat.

Most of my childhood ended after my father died. I was forced to grow up. But I always kept those special moments in my heart.

My mother couldn’t keep our home, and so it was sold and we moved. She entered into an abusive relationship and I’m the one that got the brunt of it. My life went from complete happiness and innocence to a house filled with anger,pain and hell.

I started doing drugs, alcohol, and I started getting tattoos.

Almost all of my tattoos are dedicated to my dad- it seemed that I got a new one during each hard time (or after) in my life.

The tattoo you see in the picture above is the one that means the most to me.

In it you see two humming birds (one is me and one is my dad).

Hummingbirds represent eternal life.

One of the hummingbirds is suckling out of one of the daffodils. For anyone who’s had cancer or knows someone with cancer- you know daffodils were the first flower to represent cancer and has been the cancer symbol for many years.

Surrounding the hummingbirds and daffodils are forget- me -nots... those are pretty self explanatory. I miss him so much it makes me sick if I think about it too long.

This tattoo is located on my lower left hip, just above a lioness coming out of a zipper (another tattoo). On my other side is a cherry blossom branch which goes from under my arm pit to my ass.

My father died 26 years ago, on January 11 (111). I am now 34 years old. His passing was the start of my mental illness - and after a life time, with more harder times than easier ones- I have developed a panic disorder, an anxiety disorder, and ptsd.I have been so blessed to have co- authored my first published book “Shes No Longer Silent”. In this book I share my story, my struggles, my weaknesses and my strengths. I used to say that if it weren’t for the pain release I get from tattoos, I wouldn’t be here. There’s something about the physical pain that helps like therapy for my emotional pain. This tattoo is so much more than another tattoo- it’s a special dedication to my hero in heaven and it tells a story of love and loss.