How To Save A Life

John glanced at the calendar, staring at today’s date encircled by several thick, red rings of ink. His eyes darted to two days ahead, even more red ink ringing that one. He stared at it, just as he had done over and over again for weeks, no, months now, actually. A long time either way. He’d been determined not to miss it this year. More determined than he’d ever been about anything. Now, finally, the day was here where he would start to right his wrongs.

He smiled broadly, pleased with himself for actually managing to remember. It would be the first time. Well, the first time he’d made anything of it, maybe not the first time he’d remembered. He couldn’t be sure, though, after so many hazy years. But here he was, having planned something and finally taken action rather than just burying it in the depths of his mind and smothering it with drugs and alcohol. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this good, if ever. If ever.

He pulled the chair out from under the table, the legs squeaking on the floor tiles, sitting himself down before quickly jumping back up and reaching for the kitchen drawer. He yanked it open, fumbling around its’ contents in search of a pen before sitting himself back down again, pen in hand, and everything else he needed laid out neatly in front of him. He rubbed his hand across the blank sheet of paper, like some kind of signal to a fresh start. The pen in hand hovered over the page as he tried to think what to say first. He’d thought about it over and over these past few days and decided exactly what to say many times before doubting himself completely just as many times.

John sat back in his chair, puffing out his breath. He reached out and grabbed the pristine notebook from the table. It looked brand new, his mother’s typical care. She’d kept everything in perfect order. He was the only thing that her capabilities couldn’t stretch to, much to her heartbreak.

He flipped it open, flicking through the pages. Like a running commentary of all that he’d missed. On every page he saw his own eyes looking back at him, but happier, he thought. When he reached the last page there he was. The last photo of him with his mother, the one he’d carefully glued in place the night before. He closed it as quickly as he’d opened it, took a deep breath as he pulled himself closer to the table and started to scrawl on the blank sheet of paper in front of him.

“Dear Jessica, I know I’m probably the last person you’re expecting to hear from...”

* * *

Jessica heard the clattering sound of mail being delivered. She skipped to the door to collect it, a slice of buttery toast in hand, half in her mouth. There was an array of mostly bright colored envelopes with her name on. One in particular caught her attention. A package. She didn’t recognize the writing on the front. She flipped it over to read the back. Her mouth dropped open and the rest of the envelopes fell from her other hand to the floor. Just the words ‘From Dad’ written as the sender. She’d never received anything from him before. Nothing. Not just on birthdays but any day. He’d been a very absent father. Was this for real or some kind of sick joke? She was scared to believe it.

* * *

John glanced at the clock and back at the calendar, smiling. The day was here and if he’d timed it right Jessica should be receiving the package he sent in the post just about now. The final pieces of his plan coming together. He looked up, his smile widening as he mouthed the words “thank you, mom” and pulled a chair towards him, lifting his foot onto it without looking at it, his eyes fixed above.

* * *

Jess ripped open the package, sliding its' contents from within, a letter wrapped around what seemed to be a notebook. She started to read...

Dear Jessica,

I know I’m probably the last person you’re expecting to hear from on your birthday but here I am. It’s difficult to know where to start but I guess the most important thing to say is sorry. I’m sorry that I haven’t been present in your life all these years. I know I probably could have done more before now but the truth is I was not the person you would want as a father. I have been fighting my demons and dragging as many people as I could down with me for as long as I can remember but I’m on the right side of all that now and I’m nearly there. But I want you to know I always thought about you. Not a day went by when I didn’t think of you. My mom kept every one of the photos she received and put them all into a book with little notes. She thought I didn’t care but just hoped one day I might. Which I do, now, in fact I always did. I was just too lost in myself to do anything about it. Too selfish.

It was when she passed away that I found the book. I looked at every one of those photos for a long time. You look so beautiful in every one. They all make me feel so proud and so ashamed at the same time. Proud of the wonderful person you’ve grown up to be and ashamed that I didn’t play any part in that. I’m so sorry Jessica. I know no words can ever make up for it but I need you to know that I truly am. My mother passing was the wake-up call I needed. Going through her things ad finding the book hit me hard. I got help, got clean and I saw a way ahead. A clear plan. I knew I had to at least try and right my wrongs before it was too late. You came to me like an angel in that moment, Jessica. You saved my life that day.

Mom left me some money and I knew in that moment if I didn’t make that decision I would just squander it in the worst possible way on the worst possible things. I knew what I had to do and I made that choice right then. I know it’s a drop in the ocean in what it must have cost to raise you but a small offering of what I should have been providing all these years.

I want to make it all easier for you, Jessica, everything.

You’ll find the check in the front of the book.

Jessica flipped the book open open, the folded piece of paper springing open with it. Her jaw dropped and her eyes widened as the figures written on it hit her eyes with a...

BANG!

John kicked the back of the chair and it fell away, his body dropping instantly. A crunching sound at his neck, gurgling in his throat, a last gasp for air as he mouthed the words “I love you, Jessica” then a few twitches before he hung there limp, the last dregs of life draining from him. A picture of a happy Jessica in his mind.

Jessica gasped for air, instinctively raising her hand to her throat. She realized she hadn’t taken a breath since seeing the $20,000 in front of her. She looked back at the letter.

I love you, Jessica. Happy birthday! Happy life!

John “Dad”

Jessica blinked, that familiar stabbing feeling in her eyes as the tears welled. Having no father in her life had been the ‘noose around her neck’ as her mother had always said. They’d managed well enough but it had always been there, the not knowing, the doubt, the wondering what she’d done wrong to make him not love her enough. Why she wasn’t a good enough reason to stay? Now something shifted, she felt a kind of freedom. Not just from the money but the knowing he DID care all along. She breathed deeper, filling her lungs with the new life she envisioned before her. One with a dad

She flipped through the pages of the notebook, every one a photo of her as she grew into the young woman she now was. By the time she got to the last page the tears were rolling down her cheeks. In the last photo she saw him, her dad. He looked older than she’d expected but the eyes were the same. Her own eyes, smiling back at her but with pain and sadness behind them. Her dad. The star of the next chapter in her life, she was somehow sure...