How to Deal with the Anniversary of a Loved One's Death

March 11 marks the first anniversary of my son’s (Donivin) passing. My family misses him. As a mother, I think of him daily wherever I go. A trigger of memories, i.e., a glimpse of moments of the good, the sad, and the challenging ones—feeling the emotion of embracing the memories, grief, and the continuing of healing forward.

Below is a picture of my son, Donivin. It was taken by my friend and photographer, Tatiana Roesli Komashko, on Remembrance Day at our home, year 2017, just months before he died, on March 11, 2018. One of those picture moments, when he was smiling and enjoying the company of friends during dinner. It was one of the happy moments he joined us for dinner, as he didn’t really like to be surrounded with so many people. But, he embraced it somehow.

HOW AM I FEELING? I feel I have a very mixed feeling, and it explains it in the poem I’ll be sharing with you below, in the conclusion. Thus, I’m breathing within the moment of today. This first-year anniversary marks the memory of the short life he had on Earth with us, and it also marks his first year being in heavenly places. Oh, how I miss you, my son!

Today, I decided to write to help others who are going through the process of healing as well, like I am today, to find constructive ways by acknowledging and honouring their loved one’s death, and on how to cope, and reframe their holidays, anniversary, or birthday.

Sometimes, there are no words to express our emotions that would remind us of our loved ones in heaven, during every single holiday, birthday, anniversary… But in divine time, as we heal forward, the pattern of words would start to appear as simple as feeling the motion of EMBRACING the moment of the now, ACKNOWLEDGING the memories they have had with you and the life they had known, and LOVING unconditionally without judgement. Just breathe all these three components (Embrace, Acknowledge, and Love) as you go through the anniversary of your loved one’s death.

IDEAS on HOW to DEAL with Anniversary of a Loved One’s Death:

Here is a simple list I have compiled for you, to get started on how to honour the anniversary of a loved one’s death:

1. Look at old photos, and make a keepsake box of things that would remind you of your loved one. Embrace the feeling and emotions it brings. It is okay to cry and express the full emotion, as it is part of healing forward. Keep the memory alive.
2. Make a private ritual ceremony in your own home. For example, light a candle in honour of your loved one, and say a prayer with a photo of him/her. (I have my own table set specifically just for my late son’s “Earth life memory” in my own home.)
3. Donate a time to volunteer, that would give honour to the memory, that was close to your loved one’s heart (as for me and as a mother, I volunteer some of my time to be part of the Branch Committee, at the 100 Admiral Mainguy Royal Canadian Sea Cadet Corp in Maple Bay, Vancouver Island, BC, where my late son Donivin used to go as a Master Seaman/Cadet during his short time on Earth).
4. Search and focus your mind and heart for meaningful gratitude and joy, every day.
5. Take flowers and visit the memorial site, or visit their favourite places to go (go visit memory lane as you heal forward) .
6. Plant a tree that would remind you of your loved one. (My lovely neighbor gave me a tree, and I planted it in a bigger pot, and it is called the Bluebird Hydrangea.)
7. Finish the project that your loved one always wanted to do with you. I finished the project last year, after my son died, and it was the outdoor game of chess we both wanted to do together. The result of that project was it created a space for others to celebrate the memory of my son, while playing the game of chess.
8. Acknowledge, honour, and celebrate the strengths that you and your family have cultivated when you lost your loved one, and give thanks to God for discovering the meaning of the message that it entails.
9. Write a journal or a blog about your loved one. This way helps release the energy flow of healing, within you and through you. It also give others encouragement, and permission to not give up while they grieve, too.
10. Keep sharing the story of your loved one, and the message of strength that you have cultivated from the experience that you never thought you could be and do. You can either share it in a form of a blog, as a book, or through a testimony at a workshop or church. This is a healthy way to heal, when you learn to honour and talk about the life that he/she had known, and the lessons it entails.

If you have other ideas that you would like to share here, please do comment below. I’d like to hear what you have cultivated to heal forward that others might learn from.

Thank you family, friends, and acquaintances for your notes of kindness, love, and support you have shown our family and me, all through the process—to the time of healing forward, from a loss of a loved one.

We also thank God for the continuous provision of comfort, courage, and love, spiritually and emotionally, as we heal forward together as family. We are also praying for, and with, others who are grieving. May you find the inner peace that you are looking for as you grieve, and heal one day at a time, too. We are here for you as well. Stay connected!

We are all here to learn about the school of life. Life and death are part of life, and it’s part of the journey that each one of us will go through. The moment we learn to acknowledge and accept the “as is-ness” of life, the moment we’ll find inner peace and the meaning of life—through the birth, process of life, and death period.

To conclude: I’d like to share with you how I truly feel with this “mixed feeling,” through a poem from L.R. Knost below:

"LIFE IS AMAZING AND THEN IT’S AWFUL…

…And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful, it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing. Hold on through the awful, and relax. And exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life.

And it’s breathtakingly beautiful. "—L.R. Knost

~Namaste, and God bless each one!

With love, GRACE KOSTAMO and family