How Perfect Parents Destroy Families

Parenting is hard, and loving your kid is even harder. You don't get to choose. You will make mistakes. You won't always respond well. Being a parent doesn't change the fact that you are human and are going to screw-up.

Especially when your child says you have hurt them. You said you would never hurt them, but that's a promise you were never going to be able to keep. Quit pretending like you can and don't forget those magic words . Not I love you, but I'm sorry:

 "I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I made a mistake. I will try my best not to do that again. If I ever make you feel that way again, let me know. Always know that our relationship matters more than my feelings, and I am not perfect."

Instead, parents will often find themselves being defensive and destroying their relationships with their children. Why? Because they are the parent. The parent is perfect. The parent doesn't make mistakes. The parent does no wrong. 

Especially not when it comes to their child who they know more about because they have been there since they were teeny tiny babies. The truth is also the lie. Andrew Solomon puts it this way in his book, Far From the Tree:

[M]ost children share at least some traits with their parents. These are vertical identities. Attributes and values are passed down from parent to child across the generations not only through strands of DNA, but also through shared cultural norms…Often, however, someone has an inherent or acquired trait that is foreign to his or her parents and must therefore acquire identity from a peer group. This is a horizontal identity. Such horizontal identities may reflect recessive genes, random mutations, prenatal influences, or values and preferences that a child does not share with his [parents]."

Perfect parents feel like they have ownership of their children. Anything they dislike can be denied, molded, or changed. Even the truth of their child's experience when the parent has made a mistake. This is where the perfect parent wreaks havoc on their relationship with their child. When the parent cannot face the truth of their actions and what they have done. This becomes even more of a problem if that child becomes an adult and the parent cannot let go of the authority they once held over a their life. Your child is their own person. Listen and respond. Do not center yourself, your feelings, or your emotions when the focus should be on your child and your relationship. One you should work just as hard to mature and foster as any other relationship in your life.