How I'm Dealing with Raising a Child that is not mine.

I didn't ever want her to get an abortion, I don't think any woman could live with out it haunting them down the line. Even if they say it won't effect them, it will, in some way. Though usually woman hate admitting that they are wrong to anyone, but if they eventually do admit it, I suppose a therapist could help them cope (with the haunting of an abortion more than helping the deal with their pride, working on pride is good too though).

Adoption was in the air but it would defiantly be a hard thing to do. To let go of your own child. All the mothers around us said that once the baby was born and in your arms, you would never think twice about letting go. I didn't want to be the one to make her leg go of her own child.

Then we took a look in the mirror and asked ourselves, can we do this? Can we raise this child? My wife (20 years old), she asked if I would be ok. She worried it wasn't fair for me. She thought I would eventually grow to hate her or leave her or be angry at the decision I made to come back and help her. I made sure, again and again to tell her what I am about and why I am here to stay, even after all this crap that has happened to me and even her. I told her I would be here for the long run. I told her that anything and everything that is in front of her, I will be their too.

I didn't know for sure that I still wanted to be with her, but I knew I had to help her and I could not just leave or look the other way, I just couldn't.

Everyone kept on asking if I was excited, while not really knowing my situation. I always said something along the lines of... kinda... but in the end I told them that maybe it will all hit me on the day that is to come.

Then the day finally came. All this preparation, this angst and worry. It all was present in my mind. It didn't really feel like anything built up, it felt more like a bomb, a bomb you knew was going to explode soon. A bomb with no timer, no warning, just sudden blast to come sooner or later. It felt like forever, and at time, you kind of forget there is a bun in the oven. Then, all of a sudden... the day is here.

I wasn't as ready as I thought I was (more mentally then physically)... maybe no one really is. A baby, she's here... and she's... she's hard to comprehend... for a couple different reasons. It's anyone's guess really. There is a 60% percent chance she is mine... though every time I turn my head to look at her face... I see a beautiful baby girl... but I also see the face of the man who took advantage of me and my wife.

Her name is Arabella... I picked out her middle name... Frankie, I thought it was cute. It makes me smile every time I say it, and that's what I'm going to call her for the rest of my days. I wanted it to be her first name... Frankie Arabella Salinas, but the focus groups weren't to happy with that (focus groups being the grandparents).

She is irresistibly adorable, I can't stop kissing every inch of her face. She is nothing but a bundle of awe and warmth to everyone she meets... but to me... she's that too but... she's... she's... she's also a 10,000 pound weight on my back that I feel like I don't deserve, or we deserve (me and my wife). It's not that I hate this baby or my life or the way that its going... Its just a situation that is hard to be in, and I wish that it could have been different but, it's just how life goes.

My wife (who is still my wife now and I love very much) left me due to past trauma and present triggers and this so called "friend" saw his chance to pleasure himself and took it. A man... no not even a man, a parasite that thinks about nothing but himself and what he wants. Someone who sees the wrongs that his actions could cause to others and ignores them. Unless his actions cause himself to have pain or even make him break a unwanted sweat, he will leave his job, friends or even his family behind. I guess with his own father not being there for him, he still learned something from him, he learned when to leave when it gets hard. Most men do.

I am not like this "man". Not to toot my on horn here but I feel like a lot of other men would have jumped ship along time ago, but I couldn't. Not just because I wanted my wife back but also, I just couldn't leave her abandoned, like so many other families, either with a bad father or none at all. I felt like I have to be the one to help her carry this weight, even if so many people told me to leave it, I just couldn't. I also feel like I'm the only one strong enough to help my wife lift this weight and keep things stable and safe in the process. This parasite of a man would just raise this baby to be as selfish and greedy as he is, maybe even worse. I can't know for sure that he would be a terrible father, but I will make sure, he won't ever get a chance to try. His arrogance, selfishness and carelessness is all I need make sure that he stays out of the picture, I'm not the one with the gavel, but I am (legally) the father of this child.

Maybe if I was filthy rich it would be an easier situation to deal with, and easier weight to hold. I could have a big beautiful house with enough room for silence and the space I need do the things I want to do with my 22 year old life. I could hire a chef as a time saver, they could cook me shrimp scampi and pick the perfect wine to go along with it. I could have a nursey for her, so she could have everything a baby should have... but I'm not bill gates. But even though I'm not, I think I still have everything I need to take care of this baby.

I have my wonderful parents and in-laws to help and guide me along the way. I have a beautiful wife, and though we have had our problems and she has her haunting past, we have found help and become better for it. We help each other when we need a shoulder to rest on, or a warm place to let go of the hard breaths we need to breath, or even a third hand to help us get down our shrimp scampi. It's not all bad for me. It's hard, and I know its going to keep on being hard, but it's still not all bad.

I have a job that I am thankful for. I have people in my life that help me, even when I don't ask for it. I have also searched for help when I needed it and found it in good people. It's nice to know there are still good people out there in the world. The pregnancy care center in Rockford IL. has been a blessing to me and my family and they do so much to ease the weight that me and my wife hold.

We will get a DNA test soon, just to ease our minds. Maybe I'm just seeing things when I look at this baby's face. Maybe I'm just seeing things I don't want to see, my mind playing tricks on me. Maybe she is mine, but I guess we will see. No matter what, I'm going to be her father and I am ok with that. I'm not mad... I'm just tired and I wish I could still have my 20's to myself but... It's ok. I roll with the punches.

I'll be a good father, maybe not the best but I know I'll be better than some others that could have been in my place. I'll be a fun dad. I'll let her ask as many questions as she wants and I'm going to answer as many as I can. I will go on field trips with her when she needs a chaperone. I'll make sure she's taught all the lessons that every human needs to be taught. I'll tell her stories that show you can't have light with out the dark. This world that she lives in right now is a dangerous one, and I will make sure she is prepared for the road that is in front of her.

I will tell her the truth, when need be, and if need be. Though for now, I am hers and she is mine... I mean ours. There are so many things I can't wait to teach her. So many questions I can't wait for her to ask. I'm so ready for her little mind to ask the big questions, and I'll be there to answer them. I'm young, I'm still a kid to some, and that's ok. Adults are just kids with more experience. Adults still to childish things, they lie a lot, they eat so much, they don't listen to reason. They cry or get mad when they don't get their way. They can be so stubborn and prideful, and they think they know everything.

Where was I going with this... I don't know... but I don't mind being a kid, or being called one. I know I am a kid when it comes to some things, but in others, I know I am more of an adult then some other adults out there.

I'm a kid, learning what it's like to be nothing more than another human being... living on this hell we call earth. Ain't no rest for the wicked I guess.