How coming from the 'perfect family' has created hardships in my life

I grew up in an idyllic middle-class family: parents happily married for 40+ years, two siblings that I have great relationships with, no abuse, no poverty, a childhood I look back on fondly. My dad worked incredibly hard to provide for us as the sole breadwinner and my mom was a dedicated homemaker. We went to church on Sundays and ate dinner together most nights. I've always felt like my family was picture-perfect.

I know this isn't the normal upbringing for many people, but it's all I've ever known and all I thought existed. I wouldn't say I was "sheltered" growing up, but I was protected from a lot of bad things. I never hung out with the wrong crowd, stayed out of trouble, and most of my close friends were fellow Christians, which I think played a huge role in my not being exposed to negative outside influences.

I always envisioned my grown-up life replicating the one I lived with my parents. I planned on getting married, having children, being a stay-at-home mom, and living happily ever after with my hardworking husband. At one point, I thought I had that. I met and married a man and we went on to have two children - one boy and one girl.

The fairytale life I thought I had soon began to unravel and eventually, my husband and I divorced. Divorce was a bit foreign to me because divorce is so rare in my family. As devout Catholics, we believe divorce is not something you do unless under extreme circumstances. I never in a million years thought I'd end up divorced. We made it just over eight years; far fewer years than I expected to stay married.

To say my divorce didn't devastate me would be a lie. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I know it was the right decision, but it has forever changed the trajectory of my life. It is a decision that will forever haunt me.

Admitting that I am divorced is, to me, admitting that I failed. I failed to achieve the marital success my parents have had. I failed to keep my family together. I failed as a wife. I failed as a mother. I feel like a failure all the time. And I blame this largely on my nearly-perfect childhood.

My expectations for love, marriage, and motherhood have been shaped by my parents. It's clear to just about everyone that their relationship is what most people aspire to have. And they are the kind of parents that every child should have. They are supportive, protective, and I've never had to wonder if they love me. To this day, they check in on me and the kids regularly, asking if we're doing ok.

When you grow up like I did, you don't expect to have anything less than what you had as a child. So when life doesn't go according to plan, it's hard to cope. It's hard to accept that the life you envisioned is not the life you have. I have never owned a new home like my parents have so many times. I never got to celebrate a 10-year wedding anniversary. I have missed birthday parties, athletic events, holidays, and other special occasions with my children because I co-parent and have limited time with them. This is not the way it was in my family growing up. It makes me feel like I'm missing out on so many incredible memories and moments. My parents rarely missed a piano recital, sporting event, or choir performance.

My dad set the bar really, really, high, making it nearly impossible for any man to measure up. He has kept me more than spoiled my entire life. My dad is a unicorn. You don't meet many men like him. I think part of the reason my first marriage fell apart was because I kept waiting for my ex-husband to transform into my father. That was never going to happen; I just couldn't see it at the time. Or, maybe I saw it but was unwilling to accept it.

There is a part of me that wants to see my dad as some type of god because that makes him all the more special in my eyes. I still have expectations that are unrealistic because I've been a "daddy's girl" for over 40 years.

I say all this to make the point that sometimes, having the "perfect" life as a child makes it hard to have a good life as an adult. If I had grown up with more hurt, more pain, and more disappointment, I think I'd be better equipped to handle the ups and downs in life. Instead, anytime something doesn't go my way or the way I hoped it would, I have a hard time handling it. My expectations in life are so high, that I'm easily let down by people; people who are good to me and deserve better than I give them.

If I upset my fiance, I have to make him feel better because I have to be a good partner. If my children misbehave, I have to correct the behavior because I have to be a good mom. If I mess up at work, I have to make things right because I have to be a good employee. I have to feel like I'm living up to what my mom and dad were. If I don't, I feel like a failure.

Would I rather have had a horrible childhood? Absolutely not. I'm thankful to God every day for the life my parents gave me. And while I strive to give my kids the best life I can, I'm working on accepting the things that I can't control. I'm reminding myself that life is messy and imperfect and that's perfectly fine. I'm doing my best and recognizing that sometimes my best is not going to meet my expectations. And that's ok.

At the end of the day, I have a great life. I just need to focus more on the beautiful parts of it, enjoy the present, and stop trying to recreate the life I had planned for myself. After all, what God has planned is even greater than I could imagine, and I have to believe that some of my best years are ahead of me.