Honey I'm Serious!

"Follow your mother! Ellie, where are your gloves?!" Dad with practiced experience quickly begins to ransack the minivan as mom herded the little toddlers towards the pathway leading to the small pond.

"I found the gloves! Honey, I found the gloves!"

"What about her stocking cap?!!!" Mom replied.

Quickly walking to mom and handing over the much needed gloves, dad says, "You guys keep going. I'll find her stocking cap and meet you at pond." Within a few moments, Dad finds himself back at the van.

"Huh? I didn't leave the van door open, Russell must of left it open...little monster." "Oh God what is that smell?!" Dad looks around trying to find the culprit...a spoiled milk bottle, a dirty diaper, rotten snacks wrapped around every crevice near the car seats. "Ugh, the smell gets worse the farther back in the van...so help me those little monsters better not of left something to rot back there!" Dad, trying to avoid the countless crackers, gummy bears, cheddar chips in the back seats, takes a stretched look at the under seats of the van. "Whoa, what is that?" Dad sees what looks like a 10 inch turd twice the size any grown man could summon laying underneath the farthest seat. "I think I'm gonna vomit!"

Dad looks around for a random plastic Walmart bag finds one and uses it as a makeshift glove. "Seriously, you can't kill them or give them back! Little monsters hid poop back here!" With his eyes closed, he holds back a little vomit from coming up as he reaches for what looks like a turd..."Please don't be squishy!!!"

Dad quickly pulls his hand back realizing that whatever it is laying in the back of the van isn't poop at all. The object in fact is incredibly hard and heavy! Rethinking that maybe the object isn't a turd but rather a long lost tool, Dad quickly reaches back and begins to drag the smelly object closer to him.

"What the hell? You gotta be shitting me! Is that??? Is that???" Dad begins to clean off the object and realizes the dirt that has completely covered it was hiding its true color. Gold! "This shit's gotta weigh at least 10 ounces or more!" Dad quickly looks toward the back of the van, wondering what other treasures could be back there. Dad finds an old twinkie, mom's long lost earring, and a few screw drivers that rolled back that direction over countless road trips. When Dad was about to give up, he notices something laying on the ground near Russell's door.

"That's not ours! What is that?"

An old black book lay crushed into the frost-bitten grass directly beneath the van door. Bending over, Dad picks up a torn, black book. His imagination runs wild as maybe some hidden treasure or even a treasure map may be in the pages! Unfortunately, as dad opens the book, there are many drawings and small dried out leaves. Nothing of value. Dad then sees some small sketches of people... oh wait, not people something smaller. Something greener. Something monster-like! Dad then sees a few sentences written in crude English font.

"I Trondle the goblin, who lives at the water's edge, my bones are old and none the wiser. May I die and turn back into gold!" Dad quickly shuts the book and shoves it in his coat pocket."

"Honey!!! Bring the kids back to the van! We gotta go!"

"Huh? What the hell? We are just about there! No!!!"

"Honey!!! I'm not messing around lets go!!!"

Thirty minutes later, as the kids are sound asleep in the van Dad leans over to Mom and whispers.

"Honey, I got a piece of shit in my pocket, and it's worth a lot of money!"

"Oh God! So that was you who farted! You're such an asshole! "

"No seriously! I have about 10-12 ounces of gold in my pocket! It is worth a lot of money! I'm guessing it's worth around 20 thousand dollars!"

"Shut up! Roll down a window! Pull over and take a shit! Use that dirty old book as toilet paper! Ugh, throw it out! Why do you collect such trash?!"

"I'm serious, honey!"