Honey Be

Dear Mom,

I wish I'd chosen you.

I remember you asking. At that moment it felt like the hardest decision in the world and I didn't understand why I had to make it. I was overwhelmed and the orchestra of fireworks and scattered cheering in the background did not help. I clung to your side that night unaware that it would be the last time I ever saw you.

I imagine you pinning my ribbon at my elementary school luncheon & how proud you would've been while I sang and gave my graduation speech. I imagine the overjoyed look on your face as I crossed the stage. I know you would've been so proud of me.

I imagine you comforting me on my first day of high school & dropping off my lunch in the middle of the day because I was so nervous I forgot to grab it on the way out, the tears of joy that would swell up as you dropped me off in front of the school and gave me one of those embarrassing mom hugs in front of everyone.

I imagine getting home and telling you about my day and helping you cook dinner and afterwards you helping me with my algebra homework because I'd convinced myself that math was some extremely difficult & useless invention.

I imagine telling you about my first kiss & you meeting the boy I was so head over heels for only for it to last a couple of months before you helped me through my first heartbreak

I imagine you teaching me how to drive and comforting me while I panic because there are other cars on the road and we'd only ever driven in a vacated parking lot before

I imagine you dropping me off at college and helping me unpack and decorate my dorm room & reminiscing on how much I've grown since kindergarten, the way I'd groan while you showed my roommate embarrassing pictures of me as a baby before smothering me in more kisses and mom hugs, the way you'd say "I miss you already" as you got back into the car.

I was young and I didn't really understand life but I know the love you had for me was real and you would've done anything to see me happy.

I hurt you that night but you didn't show it. The 4th of July fireworks muffled any soft sobbing while you held on and embraced me. I'll never forget that feeling. If I could go back in time and change my decision I would without a second thought, the amount of strength it takes to have something so precious to you snatched away inevitably and still keep it all together,I don't know how you did it. I want you to know I love you and I won't ever forget you. I won't ever forget our moments spent together, I won't forget the 1st, 2nd & 3rd birthdays spent with you, my collection of "pooh bear" blankets, bears, toys and clothes. Our time together was short but you left quite the impression.

That night I experienced true love and I didn't even know it. I hope you're happy and you've lived a life full of prosperity and happiness because you deserve nothing less. I hope one day we meet again, I hope in another life I get to choose you and be your daughter.

It's amazing how much a single sheet of paper changed both or our lives overnight.

I wish you'd gotten the chance to adopt me I wish I'd gotten the chance to love, learn and grow with you.