Home Grown

Home Grown

In my world’s beginning,

Home was that fair weathered friend

Who, despite some good intentions,

Always brought the crazy, the chaos and addictions.

Home hit hard like a wingman

Who slyly steals your thunder

Slingin’ at you great balls of fire

Coyly laughing at your blunders

Home was that high school mean girl

Whose compliments were served inbounds

Wizzing by fast from that strong back hand

Landing hard and calling you out

Home was flawless faced Lucy,

aglow from your power yoga class,

who insists on lunch at the town's hot spot

only on days you look a mess.

Home did not always have

my best interests at heart.

I ran and ran from Home

Until I drew my mom card.

Now Home shows a different face.

She is the Rachael to my Monica.

She is Carrie, debt free in the city,

dancing all night in her new Blahniks,

She is full of life like Cameron

Ripped from the bottom of the pool

Lip locked with the truant Ferris

Saving lives as best friends do

Her days wrap up neatly

With ribbons tied just right,

Like birthday wish endings of Andie

Kissing Jake over cake and candlelight.

Home dresses appropriately

In a coat of many colors.

To some she is as elusive

As a golden snitch that hovers.

Some find she flows in easy

And as natural as the sea.

Just as likely as to others,

She is untouchable, a profound mystery.

My relationship with Home needed a makeover,

Actually an intervention, if you may.

Home and my heart must converge

So history does not replay.

What is the point in motherhood

If a loving Home is not conveyed.

I knew firsthand what kind of pain

Came with a Home unmade.

So Home needed to up her game.

She was center court facing Pain.

Final showdown was Trauma,

Whom all-time champ did reign.

Trauma posed as primary tenant,

Resident bitch for life.

Trauma demanded winning

All hours, day and night.

This match was prime time,

Pricy pay per view stuff,

For the stakes were running high

And all the contenders so tough.

Home had to sweep the challenge,

No room for second place.

Home had to win my heart

And steal my soul like second base.

Round one demanded reflection.

Face your demons head on.

Have to know who you're fighting

To get the job done.

My demons hit below the belt

And drank copious brews of hate.

These were the kind who you trusted

Until it was all way too late.

It was easy to dump on these demons

All my rage, hate and blame.

But a wise one spoke at length

About the dangers of the blame game.

Instead he held up a mirror

And asked I meet the demon in me.

A demon that thrived on the poison

That I continued to feed.

Oh and I fed it freely,

Making myself just as sick.

Harboring these lifelong resentments

That drug me down, leg tied to brick.

Wise one told me the poison

Came in many a brew

But the antidote was forgiveness,

Not for them but for you.

I was also instructed to re-parent

The child I used to be.

Advice so bewildering

But vital in setting demons free.

So with time and loads of patience,

While drowning deep in waves of tears,

I learned how to forgive those demons

Who had stained my younger years.

I grew in time, as well,

To love that little girl,

For she silently bore the pain

From carrying the weight of her world.

I gave her that love, long lost

And taught her how to feel

That same love for herself.

She now had permission to heal.

Round two asked the impossible.

I had to set those demons free.

Release them of the power

They held so tightly over me.

I was asked to grant them permission

To be humans who make mistakes

And acknowledge they’re also injured

Let go for love's sake

I felt they should be imprisoned.

No mercy from a cruel fate

No ounce of impunity given.

Punished for punishing's sake.

I was challenged to shift my perception

To recast their roles of deception.

Look for the spark in their humanity

Flickering desperate for resurrection.

Then blow gently on that flame

With kindness and compassion

And offer the gift of evolution

With forgiveness everlasting.

Do this with honesty

And all the love once forbidden ..

They did the best they could

With what they were given

This was a line from the wise one

That struck me as bullshit.

But for the sake of my child and this healing

I swallowed all my resentment

And in time I guess I learned

To be ok with a raw deal.

Because in truth I ended up winning

For I have a child and a love so real.

Oh but how the tides have changed

Now that I count my blessings.

I discovered I'm great as a mother

For me, it comes naturally.

It is so easy to love this child.

This love so profound and deep

Has cast me in the role of a lifetime,

Architect of dreams. Keeper of Peace

My first big heart’s commission

Is to foster a home with foundation

Good bones with which to build

So a healthy life can take formation.

Now I have settled the score

With that arch nemesis I so abhorred,

That school yard bully called Home

Could cause me pain no more.

I had hung up my designer Victim hat

That cast a wide brim under which to hide

And tossed out those trusted running shoes

That carried me far away from home life.

Time is so often the answer

And hard work went without question

Opening my heart to give demons transformation

Gave me the freedom for a full reinvention.

Now Home was as honored as a Queen Appointed Knight.

And what I once looked at so bleakly

I thought was a total waste of life,

Without doubt, I now saw clearly

Our Home was quite alright.

Indeed, the Wise one knew

That beauty is in the eye of the beholder

And I can choose to see Home

For all her grace and wonder.

I knew the importance of time well spent

Shaping with care a young life

I would travel to the end of the earth

If that’s what it took to get right.

When one lives so long without,

They truly learn appreciation

And gratitude grows ingrained

In those who’ve been forsaken.

Yes, Home had hit me hard

I was bruised but far from broken,

I grew strong and wise in silver linings,

Blessed so full with love and emotion

And sure, I hit Home right back

With fists full of forgiveness in devotion

To work hard to repurpose this Home

Into our safe Haven of love ever growing.