Hi, So...

Hey Mom. I never told you this before, but I always wished your were my bestfriend. I envy those who can pick up the phone and call their mother and ask for their opinion, ultimately providing guidance and bonding. We don't have that.

Out of the 3 of us, I was the only one not drop out and go as far as graduating 2-year college which in our 'minority' community is a huge deal. It's no a doctorate, but I felt like I accomplished something and wanted to share it with you, but you did not want to attend my graduation, both graduations--high school and college.

Ironically, you voiced my siblings do not understand, and you have shared that I seem to understand you, yet I cannot get you to go out to the movies with me, or take a walk in the park, or spend an evening having dinner. Why do I have to beg for things that mothers want to do with their children?

The forementioned is the most recent examples of your neglect and desire to hide your cruelty under tough love. If I go back to my childhood memories the examples gets worst, and yet I just want you to be my bestfriend. You birthed me, fed me, took care of my physiological needs, but completed neglected my emotional needs. But, I still want you to be my bestfriend.

Youth, teenage years are the toughest years, but at 30-years-old I just want to show my growth and show appreciation for what you have done, but I cannot show vulnaribility, because you ask me, "what's wrong?" with impatience. Unfortunately, I respond emotionally to my surroundings and that includes joy, happiness, frustration, and sometimes tears. It's a spectrum of emotions that humans being have, and to make me think twice about expressing love its just wrong.

My sister asked me why I was so distant. I told her that its comforting to be in my own space--after years of only knowing distance, being surrounded by people, yet feeling alone. My sister and my brother went out for drinks, and was I invited? No. Am I annoying? Am I closed minded to the point I feel like no one wants to be around me? I don't know, perhaps. Ultimately, I need someone to tell me. But, I cannot even get you to be my friend. Do you know how hurt a person would have to be that jealousy sprouts because you are playing with a cat? I think about it, and it just makes me feel embarrassed.

I would like you to know that I will never tell you how much I wish things were different. You have been in control since I was a child, and only fostered distance, fear guised as respect. I wanted you to be interested in me, but in order for that to happen I would had to drop out and go to prison. I'm proud of myself, and learned to appease myself, because it was lacking in my environment. Consequentially this created a sense of toxic independence where I reaffirm myself and do not open up to anyone. I'm aware, but the toxicity is comforting.

I want you to know that I love you, that I wish you were my bestfriend and we could go out for ice cream like the life-time friends that we should be. Hugging you feels strange, unnatural, and it saddens me to know that not being affectionate towards you is normal. I am not as angry, but I find myself repeating this 'distancing,' and justifying it as comfort. At one point being alone won't be comforting, and I will, just like always, wish you were my bestfriend.