Hey Mom. I Guess This is My Way of Telling You All the Things I've Never Had The Guts To Say Out Loud

One of the most beautiful moments of one's life is meeting your child for the first time. You hear the sound of screams, and then suddenly you are handed a tiny human being with big brown eyes and a few hairs on the top of their head. It's a miracle, plain and simple. The fluorescents above your hospital bed are replaced with car beams as you make your way home, to your new life. You were excited. You loved me so much.

But what you didn't see coming, is your depression. Many women get postpartum depression after giving birth, but at the time, you didn't know much about that. I am sure you were very scared of the way you were feeling. You wanted to take care of me and enjoy every moment. You did too. But, you lost yourself a bit in the process. Now that I am 23 years old, I am grown enough to look back and see things for how they were. I wanted to tell you a few things that I never had the guts to say out loud, Mom. Here it goes.

It's like looking into a mirror.

I feel like since we think so much alike, we end up clashing a lot of the time. The way I see it is that I am the match and you are the comb. It's like we're in a room, across from each other. You can get upset at me for something, or vice versa, and then a fire will ignite. One so large that it reaches the ceiling and we can't even see each other.

I am the reminder of who you used to be and you are the reminder of what I can become. But in many ways, we are the same right now too. It would be an honor to be as kind, giving, loving, understanding, and patient as you are one day. But it would be just as frightening to be as sensitive, sad, anxious, and fragile as you have grown to become too.

These days, whenever I look at you, it's like looking in a mirror. The only difference is, that these feelings and qualities of mine are subtle. For you, it has amplified into something so large that it has left you debilitated. I find myself getting frustrated with you because I hate to see you this way. It's also because you are a representation of all of my fears. I get angry with you because it feels like I am getting a glimpse at the inevitable. I am sorry if that sounds cruel. I just wish you could pull yourself out of your misery. If you, someone who is beautiful inside and out, have become this broken, won't the same thing happen to someone like me?

I wish you would take care of yourself first.

We share the same heart, Mom. But yours is larger than mine. You love people, (you go out of your way for others actually) to the point that they will and have taken advantage of it. The hardest part is seeing how you can't help yourself. No matter how many times people have asked for your help and pushed you down, you always stand back up and ask if they needed anything else. You have been stuck in a cycle of your own sorrow because everyone in your life has been putting their problems onto you and you can't handle it anymore. Who could?

Since you are always busy taking care of everyone else, you forget about the most important person you are supposed to take care of; yourself. I'll never forget the first time I saw you in bed in the middle of the day. It was 3:30 pm on a Thursday. I asked you why you were still under your sheets, your eyes puffed and red. You looked up at me, barely able to speak. "I'm just tired," you said. But we both know what you meant by that.

I am sorry that everyone takes advantage of you.

For a few years, I have been telling myself that eventually, all of our problems will go away and everything will be perfect. But that was foolish. I know now, that there is no such thing. I wish I could stop Dad from projecting all his frustrations onto you, or decline Grandma's calls because every time you answer, she won't stop word vomiting all the things she hates about your father. I wish I could get my teenage brother to spend more time with you, but he is at an age where he wants to go out with his friends whenever he is not in school. Try your best not to take it personally, because I promise he loves you to pieces.

Then there is me. I am a 23-year-old who can't even leave the house anymore due to my depression. I'm trying my best to fight it, Mom. I know you feel like you are the one that needs to fix everyone, but you don't. I keep thinking about one thing most of all. It seems that your kindness has led you here, and now you are being punished for it.

I am sorry for what I have become.

Sometimes, things just happen to your children. The kind of things you can't prevent that are not your doing at all. Yet, you blame yourself. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry for all the times you have watched me cry. I'm sorry for the times I refuse to leave the house because I can't wear anything without feeling terrible. I'm sorry for all the times I have said I hate you in the heat of an argument when really, I hate myself.

I'm sorry for not telling you how appreciative I truly am. I rarely say it, and it seems you don't know it, but I am grateful for you and feel lucky that God placed me with you in this life. You have never once abandoned me. You are always there for me when I need it. That is the one thing I don't have from you and I wish I did. You are selfless.

You are an amazing person and mother.

Ok, so this is something I have said to you before. I know I am a bit biased here, but anyone that has met you has said you are a great mother and more so, a great person. I remember when I told you this, you had the saddest look on your face that is now engraved in my mind. With certainty, you responded, "I am a terrible mother. I rarely take care of any of you these days. I don't do anything. Everyone in our family keeps telling me to stop being sad and start being a mom again. Something is wrong with me. I am not a great person."

I know that you feel like your depression has turned you into a bad mother, but that isn't true in the slightest. You are an incredible mother, even more since you have been struck with your mental health issues. Your strength and ability to keep going are proof of that. You are able to drop anything and be there every single time I need you. You still have that same joy for things and make sure you make time for it. Your laugh is just as bright as before, even though you are going through so much now.

Don't let believe anyone who tells you that you are a bad wife or mother. That's their stuff, not yours. It's because people will continue to expect you to do everything for them if you always did. I know as human beings, we choose to focus on the negative voices more than the positive ones. But I plead with you, to believe me when I say that you are an incredible person.

Do you know what I think? The best human beings are those that get stepped on the most in life. I find it both admirable and sad that you are always loving, even though certain people don't deserve it. How do you do it?

Let's help each other.

I know it's hard to see me this way, just like it's hard for me to see you that way. But don't you see that you are not alone in how you feel? Out of everyone in our family, I understand the most. I'm sorry for how selfish, cruel, moody, and stubborn I am just about all of the time. It's not fair to you. Due to how giving you always have been, we have all taken advantage of it. I promise you, that from this day forward I am going to fight even harder to love myself. Life can be beautiful, but we have to let ourselves see it that way. Since we are in similar boats, let's help each other row to the shore instead of sinking to the bottom.

Lastly, I need you to know that no matter what we disagree on, at the end of the day, I never leave a conversation thinking you are a bad mother or person. Don't let your mind trick you into thinking that.

I love you always and forever, Mom.

I will make sure to say this to you out loud too.