HD

HD pulled the old armor out of the chest he hadn’t opened in many years, the bronze on silver had always made him think of a fried egg. The sounds of battle filled his ears but he strapped the breastplate on with practiced calm having spent most of his life in the wall guard. The straps were tight, far too tight for the armor to fully cover his fat haunches. He then removed the old short sword from the chest and stretched the belt around his waist and looked at his reflection. He saw a fat egg with a sword, every piece of leather straining.

He stepped out of his home, to see smoke rising from so many fires burning around the city. He heard screams and clashes of metal on metal. HD walked with calm resolve, from his home to the city wall was only a hundred paces and he could walk them blindfolded. As he approached the wall he saw a body fall from it, followed moments later by his decapitated head.

He slowly climbed the stairs, something that was easy when he was in the guard, but doing it now, in forty pounds of armor, took his breath. When he reached the top, he stopped for a moment to catch his breath and survey the top of the wall looking for the Black Knight that he had heard yelling minutes earlier. “I challenge any of you to single combat and if one of you can take my life my liege and his men will leave the field.” That was why HD had doing this, he was going to defend his city, his king, with his life.

The troops had put fifteen feet of more between them and the Black Knight, none having challenged him since seeing their general fall, head severed from his body, so quickly in single combat. HD slowly pushed himself through the mass of men, muttering apologies for needed the extra space for his fat body. As he cleared them he spoke out loudly, “I challenge you, Black Knight. I will free my land of your tyranny!” When he spoke all the men went quiet, quiet enough that he could hear his king and cavalry approach from the inner walls, having heard the Black Knights challenge the King had come to challenge his as any good liege would.

The Black Knight removed his helmet, seeing HD without his own. His long red hair streamed down his back and his red beard dripped with sweat and blood, not one drop of it his own. He laughed, it was more like a roar, but his face cracked with a huge crooked smile, he laughed and said, “Are you here to fight me or feed me, Egg? If I crack you open will I be able to fry or scramble you?”

HD didn’t wait, he drew his sword and charged the knight, sword pointed straight forward. He caught the knight off guard, he was still quick for his size and he closed the distance before the knight could fully draw his own weapon. He screamed as he ran, pulling his sword backward, aiming for the small crease in the knights armor where breastplate met pauldron. The Black Knight was only able to raise his blade point up but he could see that the fat man’s armor was bulging at the edges, he knew he would be able to kill the little man quickly.

The knight’s broadsword was much longer than the short sword HD carried, he knew he would die in this one pass but he would make sure he liberated his kingdom in his death. He charged forward rotating his right hip slightly back to make sure he could sheath the entire Black Knight’s sword in his fat body, and he did. As the sword entered him, he smiled, he would join his wife soon in the grave. The look of fear in the Black Knight’s eyes made HD smile as his blade easily slipped through the crease and quickly pierced the knight’s heart and he watched the light leave the eye’s of his opponent.

HD fell from the wall, hitting the stones below right at the foot of his King, he coughed, spitting blood and smiled up at his king. As the King dismounted many of his medics rushed forward in hopes of saving the hero’s life but he quickly bled out having given his life for his people.

Days later things had started to return to normal. Their attackers having honored their champion’s words, leaving in peace if any one man could slay him. One of HD’s neighbors, walking to the well, heard the ring of hammer on steel and he looked to his left to see a man tacking a plague to the town wall, in the place where the city’s hero had fallen. The plaque read:

Humpty Dumpty defended our wall

Humpty Dumpty fell, to save us all

All the king’s cavalry, and all the king’s paladins

Couldn’t save our hero’s life again