Happy Birthday Mom

Celebration...

Today is supposed to be a good day, a day where I call my mother and say Happy Birthday and sing a silly song. A day where my mother opens a gift and multiple cards because one just couldn’t explain to her how much love and appreciation I have for her. A card that ends as I always wrote, “I love you forever I like you for always as long as I’m living my mommy you’ll be.”

Today as I “celebrate” with my son I read him this same book, Love You Forever, but at the end of each page I have noticed I always find it necessary to add to I love you forever I like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be, “and even past that”.

As I sit and consider this crazy journey with its ups and downs I try to remember that this life always has beauty and as my mother would tell me to keep my, “Chin up”. The vivid images of her struggle and the pain pop in to my mind randomly each day out of my control and I am filled with a unexplainable pain. I then wonder why and how and what is the purpose of this brutal beautiful life. Why is it suddenly so damn hard to keep my chin up?

This somehow feels like the first year of living without her. I forgot that last Christmas and her last birthday she wasn’t here. The first year I just shut myself off and avoided feeling anything. I guess we all cope differently, but I can’t say it will get easier, just easier to avoid.

10 years ago I lost my Oldest brother and always thought, no one could ever imagine such pain unless they themselves lose a sibling. I thought the pain could get no worse. I was wrong. Losing a mother is unexplainable, losing a unconditional and irreplaceable love.

I knew it was coming, we had roughly a year to say goodbye, but it didn’t make it any easier. If anything that last year with her made it harder. Watching the tears she tried so hard to hold back roll down the side of her eyes as the doctor told her she had two weeks left, and trying to hold back my own to be strong for her, that was the worst. I thought she was ready after suffering for so long, but that day I realized after everything she hadn’t given up faith. She may have said she was ready, to help us feel better, but her face that day showed me the truth. She wasn’t ready.

That’s the real kicker, trying to keep my own faith knowing it got her nowhere.

The truth that I make out of all of this is no matter how kind and how strong one can be, you must think positive and love yourself. She let herself get walked on by others and she always felt she had a dark cloud over her head; Which if anyone knows her life story, she did. What she went through makes me want to say, nice guys finish last”, but really the truth is, in this life you must face this world knowing and having an unwavering belief that it will treat you right. Without self love, and a positive outlook on life the world will ruthlessly crush you like it did my mother. She did almost everything right, she just failed to love herself and to believe the world would take care of her. She filled her days with worry and stress always loving too much, in the best and only way she knew how. The power of thought is powerful and she always thought with worst case worry.

Today for her birthday I hope I can give her gift this year to you. The “light” that came out of her suffering is a bright one for my future and the future of my son as I will teach him what she unintentionally and intentionally taught me and it will hopefully continue for generations to come. Two major lessons my mother and her life journey has taught me I will now share with you for her birthday.

One- Living life is not enough, you must live with love for everyone. Compassion and understanding that, “they are what you would be in similar circumstances”. My mother is missed and loved by so many because she always instinctually went out of her way to be the “nice guy”. Try to remember No matter how ridiculous someone acts or seems they are that way for a reason. My mother would give and give to help anyone and everyone and she would feel every ounce of pain that that person felt and share her love with them. She was a master of compassion and because of this, she did not “finish last”. So remember you can and should be the “nice guy” this does not mean you will finish last as I have thought for so long because I had failed to understand the following lesson. Remember as times are hard to look at the people you love and smile no matter how ridiculous they may seem or act at the time. No matter how big the fight or anger you have for and with another open your eyes and see the love that you can and should feel for them, just smile instead. It is a fleeting moment and nothing in comparison to life without them in it. Try to never take anyone for granted, especially those closest to you, and if you do, have compassion for yourself. Apologize for your harsh words and ways and carry on not repeating such mistakes. Forgive, let the small stuff go, but most of all live a life of compassion.

Two- This lesson I hope you never have to learn the hard way as she and everyone who loves her did. While not forgetting lesson one you must instill within yourself a belief that you deserve the best and will receive the best that this world has to offer because you are such a master at lesson one. Do not dwell on the negative aspects of what could happen and has happened in this life instead spend your thoughts on what is happening and the beautiful things you wish to come. Remain positive and the dark cloud can not exist. You have the power to send the cloud away just don’t wait until it’s too late.

If you master lesson number one that will not guarantee your happy ending, as it did nothing for my mother, but if you can at least strive to learn and improve upon both lessons one and two, I have a unwavering faith that you can create your own Happy Ending.

I have mastered neither lesson, but what seems important is that I am working on it. I have not given up no matter how much the past pains me. When I am reminded by family and loved ones of how hard life is without her I try to remember that her fate was not up to us. We could not keep her just because we loved her so much, but we could have spent a little more time loving her the right way and “smiling instead”. Yes life does seem less beautiful without her in it, but again because it’s not up to us the only thing we can do is carry on with our chin up reflecting on the lessons her short life has taught us.

Mom- Losing you has broken me. I am broken and have lost a part of me I have always had. I will never be the same, and often wonder whether the horrid images of you suffering will ever subside. This is not the way Our family imagined it, a life without you, but we must live on just the same. Your grandkids, your sons, your family are still living in pain missing you. I hope they, as I am still, realize that the only way to live is with your lessons, lesson one and two. Hopefully one day they will lead us to you.

So Happy Birthday my mother, “I will love you forever, I will like you for always, as long as I’m living my mother you’ll be, and even past that!”

(After walking inside after finishing this her favorite somewhere over the rainbow was playing on Pandora)