Grief

Recently, I experienced a catastrophic loss. Like so many in the world who experience loss in their life it hit me like a bullet train. It is a pain I still feel even months later. As I have grown older I have learned many ways to process, feel, and work through grief. When I first got news of my student's passing my first thought was for my students, only nine and ten years old. I knew the death would be extraordinarily shocking and devastating to them.

One thing I continued to hear is, "Children are resilient. They'll move on and forget about it." For a short minute I was naïve and accepted this as truth. However, I see this loss and pain lingers with them everyday and will most likely be a permanent imprint on their lives. The not so uncommon expectation on children to move on and be okay with traumatizing and impactful events upsets me. I feel this sets children up for an adulthood with unresolved feelings that can stem into other harmful emotional health issues such as, depression and anxiety.

You walk into work plagued with dread and worry. It's a constant state of panic and sadness that you can't pinpoint the reason for. Why? Beats you, probably just the all too common chemical imbalance of the mood stabilizers in your brain. Probably nothing to worry about. Everyone has anxiety and depression nowadays. Which is what someone may think until these feelings build relentlessly over time. All of a sudden every action you take is like working your way through a swamp. You wonder how did I get here? What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this?

Of course, mental/emotional illness can stem from things other than unresolved childhood trauma. But I know many of us have woken up and thought, "Man, I guess that one thing that happened when I was eight was not okay. I really should talk to someone about this. This is probably why I'm so messed up." What if we did our kids a favor and addressed their feelings without shaming or demonizing them? Set them up for a life with the foundations to know how to approach, vent, and express intense feelings. These are skills they can utilize into adulthood.

Many of my students having loving and supportive parents that check in with them and encourage them to positively vent and share their emotions, especially when something negative occurs. However, I know some of my students are heading in the less favorable direction. I recently had something of a one sided conversation with a parent that could not believe the unexpected loss of their daughter's friend, their daughter's pre-existing childhood trauma, and academic struggles would have any type of negative affect on her. This is a brief snippet of my response to them:

"Of course, the students feel the weight of ----’s passing heavily on their shoulders every day. With the upcoming memorial I know more emotions are coming up. However, the feelings felt when thinking about ----’s passing can be prompted by anything as he is always with us and all around us. I see that when the kids look at his picture on the wall or when they walk past his empty desk. I hear it when they share about how they wish ---- could be here to experience a holiday, birthday, or game they are playing. These feelings have come up outside of school, during lessons, at recess, etc. I cannot control when the kids feel these feelings, but I can control how I respond and support them in their grief.

When given the opportunity to voluntarily share about their grief I could see the devastation that was once hidden behind the façade of expected child resilience. My belief is that when students have so many big feelings and are not venting in a healthy way, it affects their learning. I encourage the kids to do whatever feels good to vent those feelings in a healthy way; that be having a good cry, drawing, speaking with friends who know exactly what they are feeling, or running outside. With regards to ---- and the grief we all feel I can appreciate the sense of community they have knowing they all share similar feelings about the loss and can turn to each other for comfort.

I cannot even imagine the kids feeling the weight of burden on top of burden on top of burden without processing those feelings and being expected to learn and thrive in school. "

In conclusion, please check in with your children. Ask them about their day or about anything on their mind. Please don't relinquish a negative mindset or connotation to therapy or mental illness or self care. Finally, please don't get sucked into the façade of the expected child resilience.