Grey Area

Dear Dad…

Let’s take a trip down memory lane...

I’ll go easy on you today, because sometimes you showed up and rocked being a dad. I never told you that because I wasn’t able to. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen one another. In that time I have grown up and have had life experiences. I use to see the world in black and white with no room for grey, but as I’ve grown, I now know there is lots and lots of grey.

Over the years I have thought about you of course. I would wonder how you were and hope you were doing well. I thought about writing to you, but last I heard you moved, and I didn’t know where until after you died. There are particular times I find you pop into my memory more so than others, and I wanted to share with you…

Over the holidays you crossed my mind. We ended up having a massive snowstorm and had to stay over at my in-laws. The family was swapping childhood memories of playing in the snow. When thinking about all my memories of those times, you’re there. Some of my best childhood memories are of us playing in the snow. You would spend HOURS outside with me every snowfall; every year. It would always start with me insisting on helping you shovel. After five minutes of my help (if you can even call that help) I would lay down beside the driveway on the snow-covered grass. You would start piling the snow on me shovel after shovel until there was a huge mountain of snow. We would build forts, snow slides, and the typical snowman and snow angels. One year you even attempted a backyard ice rink! It failed horribly, but that adds to the memory for me.

You cross my mind sometimes when I help my children with school projects. I don’t know if you remember, but one year when I was in grade three or four I had to research and then build a model of certain historical buildings in Toronto. You made me pick Maple Leaf Gardens because you loved the Toronto Maple Leafs. I was devastated (and a little dramatic) because I knew nothing about hockey. All I knew was how boring hockey was to watch (Or so I thought until golf entered the picture), but it ended up being great because you were being a dad to me and paying attention to me in a positive way. You still blow me away with how artistic you were. It was a fantastic model of Maple Leaf Gardens, but that teacher totally knew I didn’t build it. I’m pretty sure I still couldn’t do as well as you.

You cross my mind when discussing summer vacations, because every summer you rented a cottage with your best friend and his son. We would have a blast with them! I remember always taking these super long boat rides to the other side of the lake to specifically get tiger tale ice cream. On the way back we would always go another way, past this private island. I had heard the story of real life tigers living on this island; I didn't think it was the truth though. I remember the first time past the island, I couldn't see a thing! So we circled the island a couple of times more, hoping to catch a glimpse of those big cats...and we did! I was blown away, and slightly scared that they would somehow magically jump on the boat. Once I realized they had no way to leave the island I relaxed and insisted on never leaving! Looking back I feel bad for those tigers, but I was just too young to know better then. It was my favourite time of the year, because I got to be a kid; a kid without worries.

If I could go back to these specific memories I would, over and over again. When you were sober, you were so much better. The man I mourn is that man; the man who showed up and left his demons at the door. The man that was ultimately buried by all his trauma and addiction.

I feel guilty I never got to tell you this, and I know I don’t owe you anything, after all that transpired, but I also know now that life has many many grey areas…

Till next time,

Your Daughter 💜