Get Back In Your Cell

Helllloooo, wait, listen up!

We've been trying to reach you for weeks -actually months, ever since you started fantasizing about moving to seashells and giving up your couch pillows. We want to inform you-

***Who is this? What are you calling about? Who are you, where's your badge? Do you have your credentials?**

-my badge? my credentials? Yes, they are right here, see: Office of Reproductive Responsibility.

We know that you have been considering entering into a new team with another party. These ideas do not abide by the contract you signed January 1, 2010 and re-upped on December 1, 2012. This correlates to the arrival of Offspring #1, and Offsrping #2. This contract was amended to a Solitary Life Sentence on November 5, 2018 when you declared your independence from the original team. The initial contract clearly stated that as a team you would work together to support offspring. Your team, as it was originally formed, consisted of yourself and the male you made the offspring with. When you entered this team you agreed to forsake all others in order to support the needs of offspring.

By your own volition

**Just Stop! This is insanity! I don't want to be on his team! I don't need to listen to this!**

-Yes, actually you do need to listen to me. By your own volition, you decided to dissolve the team, which is a valid prerogative, however, the consequence of the action is a Solitary Life Sentence. You are not allowed to enter into a new team, you must forsake yourself and your own needs for the sake of Offspring #1 and #2 from now until you are no longer able to sustain any possible viable partnerships. This is a natural consequence of team dissolution. You will find potential new partners will not tolerate, fund, nor support alien offspring. Scheduling with team applicants will be limited to 2 hours a week, possibly 3, if you include your offspring in the meetings -though that is highly unadvisable.

**Two hours?! That's ridiculous.**

I am aware of your current schedule, and this is where this number is derived from. Unless you attempt to forego sleep, 2 hours mate screening time is all you have. I should also make you are aware that you will be needing more sleep as you begin to enter Solitary Life Sentence care of offspring.

**This is a mistake. I need to find a new partner, I can't do this.**

-Mistake? No, no, you can clearly see your signature here. You were fully aware that by stepping away from the team.

** He was trying to kill me!**

-Yes, I realize it was toxic, however, clause #43 states that you are now solely responsible for 2 Offsprings and no decision shall be made without their *best interest at heart. Their best interest must be mutually agreed upon by the initial two team members, and they must come to an agreement without communicating with each other.

**What the heck does 'best interest' even mean?**

-Sure, yes, *best interest as defined to be a subjective and spectacularly diaphanous prophetic concept that neither of you will ever grasp in its entirety.

So as you can see, clearly, you need to crawl back into your cell and start figuring out ways to continue to hug, feed and-

**My kids are hard. I need help.**

-I know that Offspring can be prickly at times. As I was saying... figure out ways to hug, feed and clothe your Offspring indefinitely without removing them from your former team member. If you decide to remove yourself from your Offspring our office has full authority to enforce erasure of all memberships past and future. Get in your cell, best of luck!