Gas Lighting: “You’re Just Being Dramatic!”

Introduction

I've heard many times while talking with people, “They just blew me off and made it about themselves!”. Whether this particular phrase or a variation of the sort, no one likes to feel pushed aside, ignored or misunderstood. These feelings can lead to a lifetime of self doubt, self criticism and lack of emotional awareness. But how does it happen? Does the person doing it know they are making me feel this way? How do I know if I really am overreacting? Well I’m here to tell you that all these spiraling thoughts are completely NORMAL! It’s common to feel this way when you feel like you’ve interpreted someone’s intentions to be manipulative or selfish. It’s easy to say to these people “you just need to work on communication..” and then leave that person with a million more doubts and questions. I find the best solution is a simple step by step approach that can be done quickly within a conversation to avoid misunderstanding and hurt feelings in a relationship.

Body Language

First, let’s talk about body language. Yes, body language is a huge key factor here! Have you ever had someone give you a backhanded compliment? To shed some light on how this might go, let’s use an example couple,

Mr. Soso works to provide for his family and Mrs. Soso stays home to care for the children and household. Mrs. Soso also handles the finances for the family and every pay period she lets her husband know the bill amount due. Mr. Soso’s response every time is “Yeah, that’s fine” but while doing so he is also sighing deeply, dropping his hands and rolling his eyes. At first glance this may seem like just another day where no one likes to pay bills, but look at Mrs. Soso. Her shoulders have dropped, her gaze has moved away and she has become distant now. What do you think happened?

Unfortunately, Mrs. Soso has interrpreted her husband's changed demeanor as an effect of her request to pay their necessities. While the husband may have been expressing very normal exhaustion that comes with having to watch your money disappear to life’s necessities (the struggle is real), his partner may not know that is where his reaction is coming from. This left Mrs. Soso feeling as if she was responsible for her husband's reaction and feelings. In most relationships this is as far as the interaction goes which usually leaves one partner confused and the other hurt. All this was interpreted by body language and the best way to combat this and prevent wasting precious time wondering if your partner meant to hurt you is to simply ask for clarification.

This step can be done respectfully and constructively. You never want to go into an inquiry hot headed saying something like “What the hell is that all about!” Obviously if you fire off like this you’re guaranteed to get fired back at. This is how arguments start and sadly many people fall into this habit due to being triggered by someone they expect to feel emotionally safe with. The best way to approach the situation is straightforward and calm. If you are worried that something you said or did upset your partner then simply ask “Your reaction suggests that I’ve said/did something that upset you, can we talk about it?” It’s likely at the moment they may get a bit upset as they attempt to express their feelings (some struggle with this). In some cases the partner will refuse to discuss it further because they may need a moment to understand why they are hurt to begin with. Give them time to process the feelings and when the time feels right address it. (I like to start by offering a fresh drink or snack lol)

Tone

Next let’s talk about your tone! This one seems to get spouses in a lot of trouble and even the most practiced of partners can slip up sometimes when something innocent comes off wrong. Let’s see how our example couple is doing in this scenario.

Mrs. Soso has just asked her partner what he would like for dinner (that age old loaded questions lol) and Mr. Soso responds by saying “I don’t care.” If you are like me then your mind just flew in three different directions on how this could be interpreted. The first thought might be well then I’ll just poke around and see what I can whip up. But what if his tone wasn’t so pleasant? It may have suggested that he was annoyed with the question and now she doesn’t wanna cook at all! Or perhaps his tone suggested something more personal like he didn’t care about her and it hurt her feelings altogether. This is a good example on how the tone could make or break how the partner hears them. The best part of this is that the previously used method of diffusion can be applied here as well! Asking for clarification, being mindful of your partner and choosing the right time can make life less stressful than it already is.

If you are away from your partner throughout the day it's best to check in with them first about how their day may have gone. This not only shows your partner you care about their day but also gives you some insight about their stress level. This is what it means to be mindful of your partner's emotional needs and can help you determine if the question or request can be properly received right now or if they need time to decompress first.

Circumstance

This last one can be difficult to master but with practice can become second nature over time. Depending on the length of your relationship by now you have learned what your partner does or doesn’t like. Whether it’s something small like a pet peeve or something bigger it's smart to learn these idiosyncrasies and work with them. Maybe our example couple can shed some light on this!

Mr. Soso has a company party coming up and he is excited to mingle with his coworkers and introduce his wife to his boss. Mrs. Soso, while supportive, isn’t comfortable around large crowds and has her limits on how long she can be in them. In this particular circumstance you can see how things can go sour quickly. As they arrive, Mr. Soso finds a table for his wife, grabs her a drink and sits with her for a few minutes while she adjusts to the environment. After about 10-15 minutes he brings his boss over to meet his wife. After about an hour of attendance, Mr. Soso asks if she would like to stay a bit longer or head home. Knowing her husband has been looking forward to the event but running out of energy herself she offers to take a cab home so he can continue mingling.

What an excellent example of teamwork! Not only did the husband keep his wife’s needs in mind during the event but the wife also kept his needs in mind when deciding how to continue the evening so that they both have a good time. This is what considering the circumstances is all about! Knowing what your partner needs, likes and wants can make or break an outing/experience. He could have been less understanding and simply blamed his wife not ruining the event for him, ignoring her feelings completely.

Conclusion

Let’s give our example couple a big round of applause! While not all interactions were perfect they displayed an earnestness for understanding each other and their needs. This is the most important part of a successful relationship and the best way to avoid gas lighting each other unintentionally. While no one can expect to learn these mindful methods overnight, it's best to put these methods into practice everyday for someone you care about in order to build and maintain a good relationship. Whether it’s a partner, daughter in law, child or friend it’s always best to educate yourself in the ways of good relationship building. Having healthy relationships can improve your mental health and well being in many ways like improving social interactions, empathy, compassion, reducing anxiety, depression and more! Granted not every relationship will be a winner since there will be those who you just can’t click with. But never fear! This is normal and taking care of your mental health also means knowing when to walk away from what just wont work.

You are Loved, Worthy and you are doing great!