From an adoptive parent during the "black lives matter" movement

The "Black lives matter" movement brings a bit of hope for my child's future. To be honest, my decision never came easy. I knew it would never be an easy fight, but my wish for us to be family was my fuel. I think and overthink all the scenarios that can or might be happening to him. Some can be upsetting. Because of that, I try desperately to prepare him. Many times my decision to "take him from his home" was misjudged. There'll always be people to comment on what you do, no matter what you do and without knowing facts. My focus is not on that kind of people. Yours shouldn't be on them, also. My focus is on Karim, my family, my friends and trying to make everything work for us, fairly.

I would love to bring awareness for those interested in what being a white adoptive parent is, especially in the times of the "black lives matter" movement. There needs to be interest and willingness to understand and to share stories from all the fronts. I smile witnessing an increase in this matter. Maybe the future is not so bad, after all.

1. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) we are more different than not, and this detail was used against us.

But different is a beautiful thing to be. No, I did not decide on adopting my son because I don't see colours. I see them and appreciate all of them. Do you ever think of the impressive history, evolution or stories behind any kind of skin colour, eyes colour, hair type or body shape during history? We all adapted through thousands of years, and if anything, this needs to be celebrated more often (before the more recent history that separated us as humans). Our colours are beautiful; we should appreciate and understand them. After all, we all have the same skeleton. Colours come with stories of time. We are all products of a wast Universe. The Universe I am building for my son is one of love & acceptance. Our differences are the beauty of its core.

I tell Karim every day after he chooses his clothes and dresses up, how handsome he is, this bringing a big smile on his face. The days when I forget to do so, he makes sure to stare at me until I remember.

I see beauty while also being aware of the struggle. I am concerned about how Karim will see everything one day- "Is this the best for him?", "Am I doing things right?" and sometimes I fear of how "my" people will treat him and then how will this affect him? These are things out of my control, and I do hope he will be as strong as I believe he is. The funny thing is that I am kinda going through the same thing here, as people call me "mzungu" which means "white", but could also represent a rich person. In my case, I'm just white.

I do not like it. Even though, people here, in Uganda, don't do it necessarily out of disrespect. But still, it does not make it right. Many times Karim was laughing, or even he would call me mzungu, by hearing them. I saw in this an excellent opportunity to tell him that it is not acceptable to call anyone by their skin colour or to allow anyone to do it at him. Or at least to built him up in such a way, he won't be affected by it. We should only do it out of appreciation of differences. We should not be afraid of acknowledging the difference positively. We can't hide behind the fact that we are, indeed, many colours on this earth. People sometimes do it out of disrespect or just because they don't know better. He should ignore this type of behaviour because it doesn't have anything to do with him or us. I started ignoring anyone and everyone calling me mzungu, especially while being with Karim. In the beginning, he would still laugh, or say it himself but I stood my ground, repeated to him it is not good calling anyone any kind of names. It took a while, but now he is the one that in this kind of situations looks at me and goes "We just ignore them" or, "I ignore them", and my heart becomes just a bit more hopeful for his future battles.

2. Our journey is not as simple as maybe I give the impression it is

But it does get better every day.

I question myself as a mom daily. Many times I go over the pictures I took, and I see so much beauty and happiness. It's only half of the real image. I do not take photos of the bad moments, but they are there. I am faulty; I am not perfect. The first day I arrived here, I felt so alone and far I couldn't stop crying. Somedays I am not in the mood of much, somedays I am moody, other days I don't even want to wake up. And then there are the times I tell Karim off because I DO. I want him to understand someone else's space, to respect his and people's privacy, to understand that the only way to have his own things is to take care of them. Even today I told him off a few times for not staying upright while eating (otherwise he could choke). For smashing the mug (while playing with it rather than drinking from it- he could get cut also). For casually entering the neighbours' house without letting me know ( again, he needs to respect peoples privacy, and also I need to know where and with who he is). Then every time I tell him off, he gets silent and upset. I want him to know and understand limits, but this makes me feel like a bad mom.

The world I am planning to take him to is a bit different than the one from a small village in Uganda. I am getting stressed a lot with the thought of how he will cope in my world, so preparing him is one of the things I focus on.

3."You'll understand when you'll have your OWN child."

This statement confuses me a lot. What you want to say is "You did not bear this child in you for nine months, so you don't have the real understanding of motherhood", "I am more of a mom than you are" or "you can be more of a mom."

This statement comes when people refer mostly to feelings, but not only.

As if I do not feel the parenting enough, already.

The truth is that I am not trying to convince anyone.

I do understand that sometimes it is being said to me out of habit, limited mentalities or just lack of knowledge. Because I am challenging the old mindsets of the place, I come from. You don't come across many cases like mine, especially in my world, so people don't always try to find or they just don't know the right approach. But it is easy to understand. Let me explain:

he is my son; I am his mother. Adress to us or about us taking this into account. EASY

I might not have gone through the pain of being in labour (respect to everyone who did). Still, I did go through the pain and troubles to get to where we are now; I was tired, I was afraid, I was alone in it. I still want to get it over with, so we can finally go home together. My moods shift all the time, financially it's a struggle, I have no days for myself anymore and so on. Sounds familiar? PEASY

I am the one to decide if I will have another child. And this other child will also be "my own" no matter how I will choose to have him/her. DONE

Each parent struggles in a way or another. Each parent wants the best for their children. Imagine fearing for your child's life every day. But not only because of his health, him not holding your hand while crossing, or him being out for too long. Imagine that on top of everything, you also fear because of the most natural thing: the colour of his skin and the misjudgements that come with this. We should all respect and understand each other as human beings. Don't judge so that you feel/look more accomplished as a parent or because you do not understand something different. If you do and you are not willing to learn more about it, then, like Karim already realised, "We will just ignore you".

4. "He will just leave you when he grows up"

This is a fascinating statement. Actually, no. It is damn funny because I hope my son will leave at one point in life. Get a job, a family, travel, live his life, do whatever he dreams of doing. And I will support him as much as I can while wondering 100% of the time if he is well and happy.

I hope he will want to understand his roots more, so he can ultimately understand himself, who he is and hopefully to get to respect the process we are going through. Why do you assume this would be a bad thing?

Or is not this what you meant?

Or were you assuming that because of our differences he won't give a damn anymore about his mom and family, spit me in the face and disappear to become a convict somewhere?

First of all, how rude of you! Very misjudging. You should reconsider your thinking ways.

Secondly, he might. And you know why? Because any other kid, adopted or not, might too. Every child in this world with a biological or adoptive family, or worse without one, has UNFORTUNATELY at least one chance of growing with a trauma that might destroy him and his life. A wound that might seem small but with the power to change one's life in worse. Parents are there to guide their kids through understanding it. If more humans would selflessly act on this, the world would be a better place. As parents, we can not decide for our kids, can't do things for them. We can cherish them, love them, make them understand right from wrong. And while we are at it, how about focusing on all the kids that need shelter and warm food, no matter their colour? You see, carrying your child in your tummy for nine months does not guarantee him/her becoming the Ambassador of the Best Behaved Kid of All Time (no pressure Karim) -also- Sorry for the life fact reality check.

Our kids will finally have to find their ways, and this already scares us enough. How about not using their skin colour against them? Stop coming with these fictional statements, not only to adoptive parents but to all parents. We already have enough going on.

No one is less of a parent only because you don't understand or accept the process. An adoptive parent is just another worn off parent.

No one is less than a human because of the colour of their skin.

Your behaviour in the matter will make a difference.

Much love.

*This should not be taken personally by anyone as this is not the purpose of the text. Let's instead be aware of the pain and doubt we can inflict, sometimes by mistake, because we address ourselves without awareness and understanding in untypical situations or with different people.