Fresh on 18

That day started like every other day -depressing. I had been running from responsibility and hiding at my cousin's house when I got the call that changed my life forever. I was fresh on 18.

I turned 18 in November 1993. My daughter turned one that same month. Everything in my life was a mess. I had been bouncing from house to house for three years; thought I knew everything. I was completely clueless.

Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse throughout my childhood turned me into the black sheep that every family knows. You know, the person that doesn't accept the bs that so many families try to sweep under the rug. I was angry. And I made it known. If it meant hooking(ditching) school, running away, entering into toxic relationships, fighting, bucking authority, I did it.

My circle had become non-existent by this time. Friends tried to save me from the relationship I'd been in for three years to no avail. My boyfriend alienated all of them, pushing them all away. And I didn't help by defending the relationship. God later showed me over and over with friends that came into my life how helpless my teenage friends felt.

By the time Christmas rolled around, I'd had enough. I wanted out, but couldn't figure out how to get out. I called my father and he'd be returning from Japan soon and coming to get me in order to get my life back on track.

That's how I ended up at my cousin's house. In early January, Cruella Deville (my mother's mother) told me to pack my stuff, and that I'd be moving that weekend when my dad returned from Japan... to Florida, almost 1000 miles away.

My mother was sick with Multiple Sclerosis, and I'd determined that I wasn't going. If I'd left, who'd take care of her? Not thinking of this question when I ran, because I knew everything. Remember?

Well, my dad had to get to Florida to report to his duty station at MacDill AFB, FL, in Tampa. And I was relieved. A couple days after he left, I was awakened by my cousin.

"Toya, get up! You gotta go home. Gail's in the hospital."

She'd been hospitalized before, but that day was different. They said that she had a heart attack. Well, Cruella told her that I was moving to Florida with my father; leaving her. I wasn't leaving her. Actually, refused to leave her. But she didn't tell her that.

When I arrived at the hospital, my mother's eyes were grey, and she wasn't blinking. She was hooked up to a ventilator and all kinds of tubes and machines. I asked, "Why do her eyes look like that?" To which my brother just shrugged his shoulders, with tears in his eyes.

After a while, my brother had to go to work, and left me there to keep her company. I talked to her for hours until the nurse told me that I would have to return the next day because visiting hours were ending. I kissed my mother and told her I would be back after I went to the payphone to call a ride. Walking back to her room, I was stopped in the hallway by my mom's nurse to tell me she had passed away.

She passed away...

How was it possible that my best friend was gone? She wasn't finished raising me. I wasn't done loving her. How do you go on from there? Clueless.

That was the day that ultimately changed my perspective, and not all for the better. I only had a basic knowledge of how to care for my daughter. Sure, I could change a diaper, kiss a boo-boo, and knew to keep her fed. But how would I love her unconditionally when she's acting just like ME? And I couldn't stand myself.

How would I teach her to accept her flaws and give herself a break when she fails if I didn't know how? Who would tell me that sex does not equate to love? I had thousands of unanswered questions.

It only took 27 years to get some of those questions answered. And to stop blaming my mother for not being prepared for this life that I created. That's right. Everything going on, breaking down, and not thriving in my life is not her fault, but mine.

Seven kids later, I'm an imperfect mother. And instead of dwelling on what she didn't get a chance to teach me, I'm learning how to equip my children for the world we live in, finally, with love.

Love on your mom. Listen to the annoying details, because the answers are there. Take the lessons and leave the negative. Love your children and equip them NOW for the road ahead. I promise it's never too early to teach them to embrace responsibility.

Jasmine Belle Jordan, jazzyjordan.com