Forgotten Family

Remember the days of the old United Kingdom British Telecom television advert from back in 1995? Well, I understand the benefits of how the assistance & support that the advances made in technology overall have made to our society today. Giving light to the most recent worldwide outbreak of Covid-19 & its Lockdown protocols placed, as a result, have demoralized just how going about our daily lives and talking face-to-face with friends and family have been negatively affected in such a huge way.

Before Covid-19, both families and friends spent a lot of time visiting each other in their homes, having a coffee, and chatting about their own lives and interests together. Grandchildren would visit their elderly relatives, parents would visit their own parents - who often lived alone at that time in their own lives. Social life was just that... an active physical social life.

By the time Lockdown was enforced across the world, this physical social life was badly hit. No more face-to-face social visits took place. Now, don't get me wrong here, this is where technology has provided that support. We were much more able to talk over various social media platforms and to take advantage of video calling. But that in itself raised a worrying question. How many elderly & infirm relatives knew how to use any of this?

Well looking back at data provided by Age UK, a report published back in July 2016, noted that:

-- 4.2 million people aged 65+ have never used the internet

-- A quarter (26%) of people aged 65 to 74 and around three-fifths (61%) of people aged 75+ do not regularly use the internet

-- Among those aged 65-74 the figures are 65% of non-disabled people compared to 79% of those who are disabled.

Well, even with support over the telephone line between son & father, for example, attempts to help your ageing father know what to do, breaking it down into logical steps can be both difficult and frustrating.

As a writer who has been a nurse for 30+ in mental health care now, I can totally understand and indeed value the true meaning of active listening. We listen to obtain information. We listen to understand. We listen for enjoyment. We listen to learn. We listen to how others feel. It is about watching the person we are speaking to and noticing the non-verbal cues more than anything. For example, do they have good eye contact, are they smiling or looking sad, angry, or dejected? How are they sitting, do they appear relaxed, tense, or anxious? Are their arms folded defensively, or just relaxed on their lap? Are their fists clenched?

Non-verbal cues are things we cannot notice when over a normal telephone line. Sure, if you are able to video call, then that's great, But remember, that video performance clarity, bandwidth & distortion can break up images, making them harder to see those non-verbal cues.

It is not easy to see pr operly how the other person looks on a screen, nor every aspect of them. It really has no substitute for face-to-face warmth.

Anyhow, this just simply highlights the advantages and disadvantages of communication between others. But what about when the total reverse happens - we don't talk AT ALL?

Way back in 1972, I developed a brain tumour growth which if gone untreated would have killed me at the tender age of 3 years of age. Luckily though, surgery, radiotherapy & years of follow-up changed this.

It's 2021 and I've not heard from any of my 2 sisters and 1 brother in over 25+ years. I recall that as I was growing up, I did things outwardly and could act inappropriately towards others. Sometimes being sullen, sometimes getting into trouble, and blaming it on other family members. But that's all part of growing up? I can still remember my mum and dad spending much more time over me when I was diagnosed with a Brain Tumour but, then that was predictable right - after all, their toddler might die?

I have tried using the telephone, social media platforms, and letters, with NO responses. I have one of my sisters on one of my platforms but she never replies to any of my texts or messages.

I don't quite think that my brother & sisters felt like that though, they more than likely felt 'left out' and 'a little jealous' too. My inappropriate actions were though based upon how my tumour had altered my cognitive abilities and behavioural patterns. Over the years, I have been diagnosed with reactive depression, endogenous depression, an emotional problem/personality disorder, prescribed on anti-psychiatric medication... you name it... I've been on it.

Still, you would have believed that family sticks together 'blood is thicker than water.' Not really true...

Fortunately for me, I have a beautiful caring wife that has always been there for me, after first meeting in 1998, and getting married to one another in 1999... the greatest day of my life. We have been through everything together, the good days and the bad days. She is the one person who has stood by me and proving that 'the person I choose to be around and who chooses to be around me, has far more value & worth in my life', means more than my family itself'......

I do not need to try knocking the brick wall down endlessly if the family member(s) keep quickly rebuilding that damn same wall!

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