Fly, Mama

"Anne."

Anne stared blankly at Connor stacking his plastic blocks.

"Anne."

Blue. Yellow. Orange. Purple. Green. Pink.

"Anne!" Brandon shouted.

Anne blinked and snapped her head up towards Brandon, suddenly aware that he had been trying to get her attention.

"You need to get out of the house."

"Why?" she asked sharply.

"You've been wearing the same clothes since Thursday."

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, she counted carefully. It could totally be worse.

"So?" Anne replied defensively.

Brandon sighed and then mustered up a sympathetic smile. "I think it would be good for you."

Anger bubbled up inside of Anne.

"Where do I even go?" Anne scoffed. "To the grocery store? How exciting!"

"Go for a walk."

Anne motioned her deadpan face towards the gloomy February sky and the thousands of rain drops slapping the window. After a few seconds of silence, she stood up off the floor and stomped up to her bedroom.

Anne lifted up her faded, oversized sweatshirt and studied her c-section scar in the mirror. Ashamed, she pinched the loose skin around the scar. Disgusting, she thought.

Anne gazed toward her closet at the mountain of dirty clothes overflowing the hamper and two baskets of clean laundry in need of folding. Dread overwhelmed her as she tried her hardest to hold back the tears. Unable to hold her breath any longer, she fell to the floor and wept, shoulders bouncing up and down uncontrollably. She finally released the groans that her words could not express for months, which was surprisingly cathartic.

After a few minutes, Anne's phone vibrated repeatedly. She glanced at the screen through her tears and saw that it was Valencia.

How did she know?

Anne cleared her throat as she hastily put in her ear buds. "Hello?"

"Hey!" A long pause. "Are you okay?" Valencia asked, her voice filled with concern.

"Uhh, well...not really. I want to fill you in but I don't have the energy right now. I want to hear about you."

"I understand. I'm sorry for whatever you're going through." Another long pause. "I'm calling because I have some time off coming up. Let's meet up and do a girls trip."

A flutter of excitement rose up in Anne for a split second and then came to an abrupt, tragic halt like a ten-car pile-up. Anne felt the desperation and longing for some time away, while also being confronted with the fear of not being ready to leave her son. Anne was a stay-at-home mom, and Brandon worked long hours during the week. They had no local support system.

"Are you there?" Valencia asked patiently.

"Uh, I-I...Val, I can't. I'm sorry," Anna said dejectedly.

Valencia took a deep breath. Anne could feel her frustration through the phone.

"Anne, you're my best friend," Valencia pleaded. "I'm worried about you. I miss you."

She doesn't understand, Anne thought.

"I miss you too," Anne said quietly. "Maybe next year when Connor is a little older," she was cringing on the inside.

"Okay. Well I have to go, I will talk to you later. I hope your day gets better," said Valencia. Click.

Anne felt utterly unsettled after that call. In an attempt to calm herself, she grabbed a onesie and sniffed it deeply, enjoying the sweet, bubblegum-like fragrance of the infant laundry detergent for a moment.

Anne rebelliously folded her laundry and performed other chores manically despite Brandon's suggestions. A few hours later, the doorbell rang. Flowers and a card from Valencia. The card read,

I love you <3

-Val

Typical Val. Guilt flooded Anne's insides. She felt like a horrible friend.

...

Three weeks later, while Anne vigorously brushed her teeth, Brandon approached her with a beaming smile on his face and gave her an all-encompassing hug.

Anne spit into the sink with her eyebrows furrowed. "What's that for?" she mumbled.

"Get in the car," he said confidently. "Let's go!"

"And where are we going?" asked Anne suspiciously.

"It's a surprise! Come on, let's go!" he repeated.

"Where's Connor?"

"He's already in his car seat."

"And you left him in there while you're up here?"

"He's fine. Just hurry up," he urged as Brandon left the room.

Anna threw her hands up and grunted, irritated and thrown-off.

"Oh, and grab a book for yourself!" Brandon yelled from the bottom of the stairs.

Anne felt frustrated that she couldn't feel excited about what was to come. Her husband was clearly excited for her, but she could not will herself to get there. Excitement was such a foreign emotion to her these days. On the car ride, she tried to remember the last time she was truly excited. She remembered the day Connor was born eight months ago and smiled. That was an exciting day. She tried to trace the series of events that led her to this point. It seemed that with each month that had passed over the last several months, she lost a little bit more of herself.

Anne's curiosity increased as Brandon headed south on the freeway. She stared at him inquisitively as he drove full speed ahead past every familiar exit. Eventually, Brandon smirked and put on his turn signal and prepared to exit. Anne shot a look towards the exit and saw the sign for the airport.

A rush of panic swept through Anne's body. Who is coming to visit? I'm nowhere near prepared for any visitors right now.

"Brandon, why are we going to the airport?"

"You'll see," Brandon smiled mischievously.

"Please tell me. Please. C'mon, you know I hate surprises. I can't take this anymore," Anne pleaded.

Brandon kept silent, despite his temptation to spill the beans, until the car decelerated into the Departures drop-off lane. Once parked, he put his flashers on, got out of the car, and pulled out Anne's mauve hard-shell suitcase from the trunk.

Anne unbuckled and turned around in her seat towards the trunk. "What are you doing?" Anne snapped reflexively.

"I'm not doing anything. You, on the other hand, are going to Cabo," Brandon announced proudly, grinning and his deep blue eyes twinkling with delight.

Anne's jaw dropped as she attempted to process what Brandon just said. "No! What do you mean, I'm going to Cabo?" She rushed out of the car and snatched her suitcase from Brandon. She swiftly opened it up, unable to contain her curiosity. She rummaged through her bag to find bikinis, her favorite dresses, sandals, sunscreen, makeup bag...

Anne was interrupted by a young woman exuberantly running out towards her. It was Valencia.

"Oh my, God!" sobbed Anne, filled with all sorts of emotions.

Valencia ran right up and embraced her friend. Anne looked at Valencia's smiling face with wide, teary eyes, looked back at Brandon, then back at Valencia.

"She told me what to pack," confessed Brandon.

"I was gonna say...," Anne laughed.

Valencia extended her arms and shouted, "Surprise!"

"What am I going to do with you two?" Anne asked as she wiped the tears from her face. "I'm completely overwhelmed."

"We know," Valencia said as she tilted her head to one side, studying Anne empathetically.

"I have so many questions!"

"I can answer all of your questions on the plane, but we gotta go!" said Valencia as she checked the time on her phone.

"Oh!" Brandon gasped in urgency as he remembered something. "Here's your passport. Can't forget that!" He reached in his back pocket, pulled out Anne's passport and handed it to her. Anne chuckled at Brandon's panicked state and realized how that was almost a really bad situation.

Anne and Brandon hugged and kissed goodbye, not wanting to let go. After a few moments, Anne sighed and walked towards the car.

Anne opened up the back door, kissed Connor goodbye and lingered there, admiring his soft cheeks and happy disposition. He has no idea I'm about to leave him, Anne thought as she released round #2 of the water works. Her heart ached.

Anne was moved beyond words she knew how to express. She couldn't believe that her friend made a special detour to fly out to Seattle from Minneapolis, just to pick her up so they could travel together to a surprise vacation to Mexico. At the same time, Anne felt a tremendous amount of pressure come upon her as if she was stuck under a king-sized mattress while trying to escape a house fire. All of the worst-case scenarios flooded her mind, and she felt powerless with no time to evaluate. Would Connor be okay without her? Would he think she abandoned him? Would Brandon be okay being a single parent for a week? What if something happened on the trip? Is the area safe? Did Valencia do her research?

Like a first-time skydiver right before initiating the dreaded plunge out of the plane, Anne fought past her fears, grabbed her luggage and headed inside the airport. It's now or never, Anne thought.

Valencia caught up to Anne and smiled at her. "I'm really proud of you," she said. "We're going to have a great time."

"I know," Anne smiled back. And she believed it.