Fitting In

Life, it's a scary thing. Suddenly we are born and as we grow we are expected to learn new things every day and build relationships and careers and just exist. What happens when you feel like you are fail every aspect of this? What happens when you feel completely alone in a crowed room? Or you feel like the most uneducated person in the room? Or you can't even get your career started?

I can honestly say this is how I have felt for a majority of my life. And I do not ever talk to anyone about these feelings because their responses are always the same. "I'm being dramatic." "I'm not alone." "You have support." "You are loved." And for a few brief moments every week I feel loved and supported, but in the grand scheme of things? I feel completely useless, unwanted, unloved, and I just plain out feel like a burden. I have begun feeling content being by myself. I stay in my room, have my own hobbies, entertain myself and that is where I feel most at peace, even with family around me 24/7.

You see I have a big family and it's easy to feel like the black sheep of the family and even though people say that I'm not but that's how I feel. Now call me dramatic or whatever you want to call me, but it gets tiresome day after day putting on this façade that I'm okay and happy all in order to not bring these true issues to light, because my family has so many other issues facing them right now and those issues take priority over mine.

Does it hurt sometimes? Absolutely it sucks to feel left out or unwelcomed or unwanted but you learn to live with the moments you are apart of and enjoy those and cherish those more than you could ever realize. I've had so much heartbreak in my life already that I pull away from certain situations because I don't want to lose anyone else. It may sound like a lonely and horrible way to live but at least I know I can be there for myself and protect my heart.

Now don't get me wrong I love my family and I am proud and full of love and joy over them all each and every day. I know they have my back but most days I feel as if I am constantly letting them down and I feel like the biggest burden to most of them regularly. It's an awful feeling and I've tried to change this mindset of doom of mine but sometimes it's just not that east at all!

I silently scream for help and often feel like I'm drowning, but I'm still here right? I'm still pushing on and hoping for a better future. I sit here and pray and hope everyday for a big change or a big blessing. I lay awake in bed at night with negativity flowing through my brain and my veins, unable to go to sleep without the help of a sleep aide. I workout daily in order to protect myself, make myself feel better, feel good about my limited looks, but also to waste away the hours where I have to be awake before I can go back to bed.

Now you may ask why am I posting this here when even the people closest to me don't know all of this and that's because they will never see it. My family may brag about me at certain times but other than that if I don't tell them what is going on in my life, they don't pay much attention to me. I march along to the beat of my own drum and I walk along my own path. That's how I prefer it and that is how I think it is going to stay for a while. I know I don't fit in. I know I'm a loner with a very small social circle, but for now it works. I have to work on myself before I can focus on the world around me.

Life is hard enough as it is and these relationships of all types just make it so much harder. It's okay to not fit in, take your time. Focus on you and your needs and be as happy as you can be. It's okay to be broken and not fit in, but as long as you never give up that is what is most important.