First Place

Being the first to try out different opportunities in life doesn't make someone shift into first place. Being the first to be a role model for others while breaking cultural barriers at the same time doesn't create a natural environment for anyone.

Since birth, directions have been set for me to follow. While being the first daughter in my whole family created another set of rules for others to follow me.

"Never do the wrong thing. Would others have their daughters follow you if you didn't do this right? Act appropriately. Others are watching you. Others are learning from you."

While following every rule as best as possible, I never knew the underpass I had been slowly burying myself in.

Initially, I truly believed I was spectacularly handling everything. "I got this. It's not so hard, hah." When I wanted to hang out and make friends, "No, I have to stick with finishing my work. Doing this is what will make everyone happy and proud. When I wanted to pick a job, I'd enjoy making some pocket money, "No, this isn't appropriate for my future career. Stay focused." Off each thought flew into the air, drifting further away, never to be felt again.

I honestly thought working hard my whole life would make me feel happy and complete. Push past making friends, creating a social life, and taking mini-breaks, focusing on making my parents happy. "If my parents are happy, then my whole family will be satisfied. If my entire family is happy, my community will be pleased because I worked hard to be the role model they all wanted me to be."

"I'll be the first grandchild to finish high school. Then I will be the first grandchild to get a job while going to college. This way, I can share my experiences with my cousins, and they can be safe from all the mistakes I make."

It never occurred how wrong these thoughts were until one fateful day, a girl in my remedial college class asked me a crucial question.

"Why do you sit there quietly while covering half your face with your hand like a freak?"

At first, I couldn't process what she was saying. I've been so focused on what I needed to accomplish in life for myself, I never once thought about how others viewed me! "What was she going on about... me being a freak? I'm trying to focus on getting my work done. What's so freaky about that?"

To add to this beautiful scenario, I forgot to mention that I had completed all my schooling from elementary to high school at home. Yes, that's right, not only did I focus on specific tasks for myself. I did not know how to interact with humans.

The only people I have ever interacted with were family members. Automatically when I saw new humans, I stood mute. I'd also cover half my face because I figured, if I am not talking, why not cover half my face since I didn't use my words for the most part!

That was the starting point. The statement from this girl I barely communicated with had some audacity...but she also had a point. How would I make myself the opposite if being too quiet is freaky?

I wanted to focus on the tasks at hand, but I didn't want to as a freak. "Maybe I should change my appearance a little." As I dressed very plainly, I figured a few minor adjustments wouldn't hurt—a bow in my headscarf, a set of lovely earrings, and a little bit of eyeliner. Since I didn't know how to use other makeup tools, just a dab on my waterline should suffice.

"There, now I'm not a freak anymore!" I was a bit more confident in how my appearance came out. Sadly, this didn't help me much. I didn't change my responses or interactions with other people by adding a few accessories.

Throughout the confusion I've had during this short period, I stumbled onto an app called "LinePlay." "What an odd name. I wonder what kind of game this is." Little did I know, this tiny app would change my life forever.

I discovered that "LinePlay" was an app to meet different people worldwide in a cute animated manner. Indonesia, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Australia, and even the United States. Everyone is all on a tiny platform. It was amazing!

Not one person would know who I was on here. "Since nobody knows who I am, they don't have any expectations of what I'm supposed to accomplish or how I should be acting....maybe I can try just going with the flow?"

Slowly but surely, I hopped into different chats. Initially, I would silently observe the conversation between active group members.

"Why do you sit there quietly while covering half your face with your hand like a freak?" It would suddenly echo in my head.

"No one can see me, no one can hear me. Why am I being so silent?" At that moment, I pushed myself. "Type something. Type anything. Even if no one responds, type for the hell of typing."

After hitting enter a few times, a few people had responded. "SEE random girl whose name I don't even remember. I'm not a freak! Hah!"

Every day, after completing all my chores for home, work, and school assignments. I opened my little app to practice chatting with others. Eventually, I found a group of people I was able to call "friends."

Friends, such a strange word, considering the fact I had none. My new group of friends taught me so many new things. I learned about how different everyone's lifestyles were. I learned how to laugh with everyone. I learned how to cry with everyone. I learned about each friend in such a fantastic way, and each friends' story taught me something new to add and apply in my own life.

Each love story shared taught me to live life more confidently and take risks if they were worth doing it.

Each sad story shared taught me to live life with fewer expectations and accept when things can't go your way.

Each happy story motivated me to achieve a few goals, maybe even dream a little bit!

I had no idea. Taking all I could learn from my friends when they would share something would help me work on my confidence. I slowly started picking how I would feel comfortable handling different situations.

I chose what made it more comfortable for me to handle my work, chores, and assignments. From then, I started to yearn for more interactions in person.

"I want to make some friends in person. I'd love to hang out with some friends on campus and even go explore places out of school one day!" What a beautiful goal for me!

At first, the first few attempts to make friends didn't entirely work as I had hoped it would. The first few attempts had me stuck in a small group of women who didn't fully see me as a "friend."

Nevertheless, that didn't stop me. I wanted to try again. My friends I had made online had encouraged me to keep pushing hard and get out of my comfort zone. Again, I tried a few more times. This time, it worked! I made one wonderful friend, then another friend, then a few more.

I've finally done it. I could talk confidently, laugh comfortably, and call a few people in school my friend. They didn't care what I had to accomplish. I didn't need to be a role model for them. I didn't need to watch how I acted in front of them, and they always supported me.

Over the following years, a handful of professors I've had in my life noticed how silent I initially had been and how I was slowly talking amongst classmates or smaller groups of friends. Some had also helped by having me talk more in class to get my voice out more than just using my voice with friends.

By the time I graduated, I had learned my cousins didn't care for me to be a role model. If anything, it made their life much harder, and at some point, they wanted to distance themselves from me since my presence caused more stress than ease for them.

I was no longer a role model for them, nor was I one for my community. I'd joke with my friends, "Ah, well, that was a waste of half my life."

My friends came into my life when I had least expected it. Each one built me stronger in some way where I could handle different situations in the best manner possible.

Some friendships I had created online are still very much alive today. After many hours of video calls and planning, we were lucky to have a few meet-ups in real life.

I will always be grateful for all of our experiences together to the friendships I have made online. Whether we still talk or see each other's stories on social media. Each one has a special place in my heart.

To the friends I have made in person, I am genuinely grateful to have so many wonderful sisters in my life who have always been there for me through my best times and my worst times.

Being the first at everything for other people's sake is a straight road of loneliness. Even if it may be for family, it should not be the only goal you have in life.

Your family does not define you.

The tasks, jobs, or expectations you have in your life do not define you.

Your hard work and perseverance define you.

If you work hard towards your goals, I promise you that you will get to achieve them, whether it happens slowly or fast.

P.S.:

Thank you to the random girl I never saw again in my class.

Without your rude yet slightly true comment, I would've never been as confident as I am today. :)