Father Figured Not

It is said that a little girl's father is her first true love. And that he teaches her what to accept and expect from the men that will surely come. How amazing that must truly be. To experience life so calm and pure from the beginning of your life. To be protected at any and all cost by a father is a joy that cannot be bought. They come when you cry and want to make it all better. Until another man takes over and asks for your hand in marriage. And the father reluctantly agrees to allow the marriage of his baby girl. Only because he knows that she picked a man like him. A man that will not only love, protect, and provide for her but also their children when that day comes. He's confident that he has given her the tools, wisdom, and knowledge to make the best choices in love and life.

But what do you do when that father figure, figured not? When he figured not to stay with his family. Figured not to provide for that bright eyed little girl he helped create. Figured not to show her what's a man's true role in a woman's life? Or when his addiction became so bad. That he figured not to even show his face?

This little innocent girl went searching. Accepting heartache, abuse, and neglect along the way. As a teenager I went Searching for that father figure in older men. Older men who saw that I lacked the key piece to run from them and their advances. I was missing that piece that allowed me to know that gifts and money aren't love. Or that love doesn't mean accepting hurt. These men knowingly and unknowingly robbed me of youth and innocence. However, was it really robbery? I did willingly participate. I did stay and cling to any and all the moments that felt like love and acceptance to me. I would always stay. Only for them to leave after taking a piece of my being with them. I did not understand why everyone left me. There has to be something wrong and broken inside of me?

So, I kept pleasing people hoping some man would love me. Over the years, I dated, loved, lost, and searched. In my search I did run across a few great men. Men who really wanted to love me. However, since I had never experienced love. I could not accept nor reciprocate it in a healthy way. So yeah, they left me too.

I was lost, alone, afraid and ashamed. Ashamed from having so many failed relationships. I thought that if I allowed a man to cheat on me, abuse, and mistreat me that truly he would stay. Stay to love and want me for the rest of our lives. I had many relationships that all left me alone. With each one taking their piece with them.

Heartache after heartache. I finally became numb. I had given up on the idea of what I thought love should or shouldn't be. I was fine with being unhappy and alone. I was content with allowing men to come and use me up then leave me. At least I could have small fleeting moments of pleasure without the pain.

After many years of neglect, abuse and bad love. My mom remarried a great man. A man who not only showed me what a father was. But he also showed everyone in her lineage what a man's role in a woman's life is. Mr. French, or papa as we all ended up calling him. Papa was what we all needed. At first, I did not get along with him. I wasn't used to a man, being a man. I was not used to a man leading a family without manipulation. It wasn't until after the birth of my son. That I understood how valuable and vital Papa had become in my life. I would watch him interact with my son. How gentle yet firm he was with him. How he would never tell me how a man should be but showed me every day with his commitment to my mother. And through his love for our family. Papa was never obligated to love us. Yet he loved us all unconditionally.

This little girl is now a middle-aged adult that has now figured not. I have decided that the absence and neglect of one father could never outweigh the love from a father that Figured. Figured not only was I worth it. But he always made sure I knew it. Thank you, Papa for Loving, Guiding, and Protecting Us. And although you are no longer with us on earth. You will forever be in our thoughts, memories, and our hearts. You changed us all for the better and you are greatly appreciated.