Faint Mother

Have you ever wondered in the dark why things happen the way they do and why did they happen the way they did? I mean I do. I also wondered at times if my mother even loved me and sometimes I just gave up caring about it.

I remember how I found out about my mother one day in fourth grade. No one told me anything and it was a Journal entry I wrote. The topic "what's the furthest you have been away from a family member?" I remember thinking and some how it came to that I was left on the street by mother as a baby. I remember reading that to the class and crying. All those kids that picked on me they sure were quiet than.

I also remember it was a parent teacher conference that day so my dad found out about it but surprisingly he wasn't mad. He asked me why I didn't ask about my mother and honestly as a kid it never crossed my mind until than and honestly come to think of it I really didn't care.

My mother left me and my three bothers out on the street as babies. I was 2 and my other brother was younger than me by one and the other older. I was eating out of a trash can. You had the opportunity to do right and change, but you didn't. You didn't bother over the years writing me even though my dad gave you the address once he got custody, so that's why your a FAINT MOTHER to me because you always remained at a distance I can't see.

I honestly now being in my late 20's I just want to thank her because I am glad she did what she did because I am a strong, beautiful, amazing mother for it. Just by her doing what she did made me realize I don't want to go down the same path and I will do anything to protect my kids. So once again thank you Pebbles Marie Francois that I am nothing like you and will never be nothing like you in the rest of my years to come. I am done crying over a relationship that will never be. You maybe laying there on your death bed and see everyone else but trust me you won't see me. I am sorry to say that, but over the years I have tried.

You just shown me that woman out there are no better than men when they choose not to be there for their children. Don't have children if you don't want to take care of them. Also you have shown me drugs are a hell of away to lose yourself. I hated you of course, but now I don't. I can't honestly say I love you either because I don't. Those words sort of make me cringe when you say it to me because if you loved me I wouldn't have to call or remain but a distance away. I didn't ask to be brought here, but I am here regardless of if you wanted me or not but from the looks of it you didn't.

P.S I don't regret anything about being in this world. Life is precious no matter what I have been through with you. So I hope you enjoy every page y'all read because it has been over the past 27 years of my pain that I can finally release.